And here's part two~ Again with finding inspiration in the strangest things.
Seven For A Secret - Part 2
The boy sat on the throne-like chair, both legs thrown over the left arm of the throne. He was picking his teeth with a long, thin piece of startling white bone. The girl was screaming in the background, and he didn’t care. She was just another meal to him and his brothers. All twelve of them. He grinned as the screaming was cut short, shifting the bone toothpick to his other hand as he reached over to the table and picked up the glass of red liquid sitting on it. The room was dark and somewhat sinister for a dining room, and the fire roaring in the fireplace barely lit up the boy’s face.
“Bran.”
He turned slowly, face screwed up in annoyance at the intrusion. “Yes, little brother?”
“It’s done.”
The crow-prince grinned and tossed the bone toothpick away. “Good,” he said, taking a sip from the glass and making a noise of enjoyment a moment later. The blood of a human child always tasted delicious. “Eight for a glimpse of heaven.”
He ignored his brother’s dramatic sigh as the other boy left the room in a huff. The sithen was blissfully quiet now. Bran didn’t mind. It was far better than going into the mortal’s realm. All that iron and made-man material made his head hurt. He was just glad the little girl had lived on the edges of the city. He didn’t think he could have handled going right into the city again.
Bran sighed, breathing out the next line: “Nine for a kiss.”
The glass was picked up again, the red liquid swirled around in the glass before it was brought up to his lips. He took another sip, savouring the taste. She was truly delicious. It was a disappointment, having to cook her up for their father, but it was better than nothing. Bran grinned, setting the glass back down. They’d had some fun first, though. His brothers and him; they’d made her scream, made her beg. The emotions she’d had...
“Ten for a debt, now paid in full.”
He flicked the glass over, a scowl on his face as he watched dark red creep slowly over the off-white wood of the table. He had wanted to play with her some more before they had to cut out her eyes and drop her into the boiling summer wine. Bran had seen his brothers’ faces. They had been disappointed. All eleven of his brothers. He supposed it was for the best. She hadn’t had the Sight. They’d had to let her see them, had to give her the choice before they blessed her with it. Bran hadn’t wanted to. He’d wanted her to scream in terror as something dark and unseen attacked her, but no. Father had told them to bring the girl, and so they had brought her.
His eyes narrowed and he nearly spat the next line out; “Eleven for the wanting, the waiting.”
Bran turned away from the table with a snort. He stood slowly, ignoring the dark red staining the table as he stalked over towards the fire. His anger caused it to flare up and turn nearly black. He ignored that, too. It wasn’t what he wanted, wasn’t what any of them had wanted. His brothers and he, the Twelve Crow Princes of the Court of Shadows.They wanted freedom--from the darkness, from the shadows that haunt every single one of them, but what they risk is far more than anything else they’d ever risked before. Their father kept them prisoner, only leaving the sithen to do his bidding. Bran and his brothers were bound by more than just words and magic--they were bound by chains stronger than any ever made.
He picked up the bone-toothpick from the floor in front of the fire. So that was where it had ended up. He looked at it for a long moment before hissing, “Twelve for a curse, stronger than bone.”
Bran began to pick his teeth with the bone toothpick again, humming the entire rhyme to himself. He was waiting now. They all were waiting. Waiting for the next time their father asked for another human child with the Sight, not that they’d found one a thousand years ago, and probably wouldn't find one again for another thousand.
“Long live the cursed.”
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
This is a sudden dark twist on the previous part. it came as a shock to me but after reading it I liked it.
I thought it would be nicer to get rid of the whole 'mortal realm' and 'court of shadows' part which does make it fantasy.Since this is a short story I feel like 'the Sight' thing is a bit too much and on top of that something cliche to fantasies.
I feel the story would be darker and more impacting on the reader if they could place the setting in our world, somewhere in the wilderness, a dark place to give them something to think about and brood on. I like to imagine the crow boys and holed up in some run down but grand treehouse much like a witches hut, where they see themselves as princes rather than actually being part of some other realm but that is my opinion the story is up to you but I enjoy so secret and creepy additives.
I think the descriptions here are far more well written than the previous part. I love this line:
this stuff is very short, but my friend length doesn't matter! matters most is ur creativity which is outstanding! i liked ur concept. u r pretty awesome in writing such stuff, lot of imaginary parts are there in ur stuff!
ur starting part is good. then when we come to bottom the interest regenerate! again and again! i liked it.
[Bran began to pick his teeth with the bone toothpick again, humming the entire rhyme to himself. He was waiting now. They all were waiting. Waiting for the next time their father asked for another human child with the Sight, not that they’d found one a thousand years ago, and probably wouldn't find one again for another thousand.
“Long live the cursed.”]
if taking glance over ur last part then ur ending is also played a vital role in making this work a hit!
grt keep writing!
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! ^^
Hey there! Socks here, to do my best at a review.
This was very interesting to me, and I have to admit that I liked It... quite a lot. Mostly for the way you wove the rhyme into the story in that creepy, abstract, sort of fashion.
Now, in the first paragraph you use "Chair" twice. It's always good to have fresh words, even if you do have to use "It's" once in a wile, because "It's" is far easier to glide over then double "Chairs". Sorry about nit picking.
The Third paragraph (or one of those paragraphs) has "Made-man" in it. Did you mean to say "Man-made"? Or is it those creatures odd way of saying human made? In any case it confuses me and possibly other readers, which I'm sure you want none of.
Speaking of confusing things. I don't remember where it is, but you say: "but what they risk is far more then anything else they'd ever risked before." I think you may have slipped in to present tense for a moment there, either that or my brain is having issues today.
Now I'd like to remind you that you're a great writer, and that we're all in this together, so don't take my words to deeply to heart. have a nice day.
-Holysocks
man-made = human-made. Same thing; it's not of natural make.
I think I'll need to edit this before I start the actual novel that'll be based on the short story. ^^ (Yes, Seven For A Secret will have a novel-length companion to it!)
Hey Scarli~
Here comes that awaited review! I'm basically going to sum up the first part as well, seeing as I just read both.
I really liked the whole idea of this. Turning the rhyme spooking and making it something which a person/creature has to obey because it's like a spell. I can see this is going to be an interesting fantasy that I would sure like to read more of!
I didn't really like the open ending so much because I wanted more. This didn't satisfy me as a piece on it's own. But now I know you want to continue it, and this sounds like a really good idea for it. There were some things I didn't understand (not vocabulary wise). And as for punctuation, grammar and all that stuff, I didn't find any mistakes that I could pick up on.
I liked the rhyme, and I hope it'll stay important all the way through. Okay, I shall stop gushing on how great this is (because it is) and go to the things I think need a bit more explaining. It may just be me not understanding, but then you can explain
'He turned slowly, face screwed up in annoyance at the intrusion. “Yes, little brother?”
“It’s done.”
The crow-prince grinned and tossed the bone toothpick away. “Good,” he said,
What's done? The brother scuttles off before we get to know. Maybe it's something we find out in the future? Or something that I'm just too blind to see?
She hadn’t had the Sight. They’d had to let her see them, had to give her the choice before they blessed her with it.
Okay... this confused me a lot. Not so much the Sight bit, because I believe this is something we'll learn more about as readers in the future. But forced to let her see them, choice and blessed? I don't really get what you mean. Is it the part where she had to see them in human form and choose to go with them? I don't remember any blessing though. And why did they /have/ to do this? More things we'll know in the future?
And lastly, the whole Daddy thing? I get that the father was the one who cursed them, and somehow they're all prisoners/slaves to him. What I'm interested to know is in the future, how did he manage to curse them so strongly? Can they escape it? Why did he do it? And lastly, if they're all freed, what will they do with themselves?
I am so interested! If you need to explain to me/ask me anything or just want some help chugging the story along just catch me in chat or message me! Happy writing ^^
Deanie x
Deanie, ilu <3 I'm going to work on a whole novel to go with this short story. This is kind of a prologue type thing. And everything should be explained eventually. <3
Also; I don't know how you don't pick up on it. It's done, as in the girl from part one! She's going to be dinner.
Oh, and that bit about the sight. The brothers were forced to do it but they had to give her the choice. To see their true forms, not the human-looking ones. This would have been sometime between part 1 and 2. And this part explains why they have to do it. Daddy's not a nice faerie king.