Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
Chapter One
Blackwood Manor looked the same as ever when Max pulled the Gemini into the driveway and stopped right before the gates. He cut the engine, staring up at all the iron. They'd open, of course they would. He and Lyssa were Blackwoods and the gates were spelled to open for one of the blood. Why did their sister have to move back into the Manor? Did she not remember the shit they went through fifteen years ago? Then again, Aishe was probably at college in Perth at that point, so what was the point of even wondering if she remembered or not... Max sighed, planting his elbow on the car door and propping his chin up on his hand. He glanced left towards Lyssa.
"You up for this?" he asked, watching her warily as she stared up at the dark, ominous attic windows. He wasn't sure if he wanted to stare at it or run away. Then again, running away wasn't an option right now. Max frowned at his sister. "Because if you're not, we can totally leave.... Like, right now."
Lyssa exhaled carefully, shifting in her seat to meet his worried gaze. "It's not like we can go back to Molan Uni in Perth, Max. We've finished our five year course and--" Lyssa cut herself off as she turned back to the Manor, frowning. "Is that a police car?"
"What?" Max asked sharply, twisting to peer past the intricately designed wrought iron gates to see the tell-tale white-and-blue paddy wagon parked near the front door. "What're they still doing here? Wasn't the accident over a month ago?"
"Two weeks ago," his sister stated flatly. He turned back towards her. "This is getting weird, Max... Why're they still here? I thought they ruled it accidental?"
"Tell me about it," he muttered, slumping in his seat as he turned back to the gates. As he watched, the front doors opened and their sister secorted a uniformed officer out of the house and down the steps towards the officer's paddy wagon. They lingered by the bottom step for a moment, heads bent towards each other as they talked. The officer handed their sister something and Aishe's expression turned grim. "Okay, this is beyond weird, Lyssa. Am I right or am I right?"
"You're a moron," Lyssa deadpanned, staring right at him with something akin to blandness.
Max shrugged, not bothering to deny it before he straightened up and started the engine again. The gates were moving, slowly creaking open as if they'd only just sensed Max and Lyssa's presence. If the gates were even sentient, that was. Max snorted and put the car into gear, pulling through the gates once they were fully open. The officer got into his wagon and started it. He passed Max's Gemini just as Max was passing fully through the gates.
The officer gave them a curosory glance just as Max turned to wach him drive by. He didn't recocgnise the man, but those dark eyes were sharp and assessing. Max swallowed, tightening his grip on the steering wheel as he turned away. Something about him was bugging Max, but he couldn't put a finger on it. Not that he wanted to anyway.
"How're the cats?" Max asked, not taking his eyes off the driveway before them as he pulled up by the front steps. Aishe was still standing there, watching the car curiously. He glanced towards his twin. "Lyssa?"
"Hmm?"
Max turned the car off and turned to look at his sister. "Lyssa, the cats?"
Lyssa blinked at him then twisted to stare into the backseat just as a loud 'meow' came from somewhere under a towel. "Oh, well." She shrugged. "One's sleeping, the other is crying like a little bitch, obviously."
Max turned to peer over the back of his seat, eyeing the two cat carriers sitting on the back seat. One of them had a towel haphazardly thrown over it, hiding the front of the carrier from view. The other held a black ball of fur and a set of glowing amber eyes. The Cat Sìth was a little bigger than a normal cat, and clearly not happy with being locked up in a cat carrier. Maybe Max shouldn't have convinced it to stay in there... He shook his head and straightened up.
"Come on," he said, reaching for the door handle. "Let's go say hi to our wayward big sis."
With that, he shoved open the Gemini's driver side door and hopped out. Lyssa followed, but Max's eyes were on Aishe. She was watching them warily, shoving what looked like a phone into her back pocket.
"Sup, Aishe," Max called, closing his door and moving to the driver's side back door. "You look tired."
"The twins are driving me up the wall," Aishe told him, taking the two steps needed to reach his side. "I wasn't expecting you two for another few days."
Max shrugged, reaching inside to flip open the cat carrier. "We decided to head down early. Didn't want to be late for the funeral."
"Besides," Lyssa called from the other side as she retrieved the other cat carrier and a large suitcase. "We wanted to sped some quality time with you and the twins."
And warn you about the house, Max wanted to add, but he kept his mouth shut. Instead, he turned to watch the Cat Sìth as it slinked out of the carrier and stretched. It looked at him with its amber eyes and blinked. Max turned back to his older sister, grinning.
"So, where do we put our stuff?" he asked, glancing past Aishe to see a flash of light brown darting out of the doorway. A moment later it was back and Max met the dark eyes of his niece, Blair. He waved at her and she grinned before darting back out of sight with a giggle.
"Upstairs," Aishe replied, stilly eyeing him warily. "Second floor. Feel free to pick a room."
"Thanks." Max reached back into the car to pull out a duffle bag and slung it over his shoulder. He glanced down as the Cat Sìth hopped down from the car's backseat. "Well, Puck. Why don't you head on inside and find a nice spot for us?"
The Cat Sìth glanced up at him, blinked and then trotted off up the Manor's front steps and into the house. Max watched it go before turning to look at his sister. Lyssa was just coming around the front of the Gemini, smiling softly. She joined him by the stairs and set the cat carrier down by their feet. A pitiful meow bubbled up from within the carrier.
"How's Nyx doing?"
"Not good," Lyssa told him. "She really doesn't like the car."
Max scowled at her, then glared down at the meowing cat carrier. "There is nothing wrong with my Gemini, you brat!"
The only answer Nyx gave him was yet another pitiful little meow. Max sighed and shook his head, moving to mount the stairs. Aishe grabbed his arm, jerking him to a halt. He turled to look at her, raising an eyebrow.
"Whatever you do," she said, keeping her voice low and not quite meeting his eyes. "Don't go down into the basement."
"Why not?"
"It's still an active crime scene," Aishe hissed, tugging him in close. "The police suspect foul play, but I only moved in a month ago and none of us were home--" She cut herself off with a sharp shake of her head and sighed. "Nevermind. Just stay out of the basement, okay?"
Max exhaled carefully. "Fine by me. Lyssa?"
"I don't think we'll be going down there anytime soon, Aishe."
"Good," their big sister spat, releasing Max. With that, she turned on her heel and stalked back up the steps and into the house. Lyssa picked up Nyx's cat carrier again. Then she and Max followed Aishe at a slower pace, exchanging worried looks. What the hell was going on in their childhood home? Max wasn't completely sure if it was related to the events of fifteen years ago, but he was certainly intending to find out.
End of chapter
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Hello! I'm finally here haha
I'm trying to follow like twelve lms novels so my reviews will be late/spaced out! Excited to follow this one though
let's dive right in!
**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**
Honestly, not my favorite opening line ever. Of course, I'm interested in what Blackwood Manor is, but not that interested. I'm the type of person that when I go looking for random books, I always pick the one with the best hook, and I don't think I would be interested in this one. I feel like there isn't enough for me to be interested in, just the Manor. And you also didn't give any descriptors as to how it looks the same as ever. Is it ominous? creepy? make me want to know more!
I'm already confused by the opening. The sister comment isn't very clear. Is their sister moving back or is she at college? I assume the sister is Aishe?
*...
or is Lyssa the sister? it's not very clear. I'M SO CONFUSED IS THE SISTER AISHE OR LYSSA AH DX like I get that their both his sisters, but when you just describe either of them as "sister" it's sometimes unclear which one you mean.
I think this was a pretty good opening chapter. I didn't feel super bored reading it, and I'm interested to see what happens next and what exactly this event was. Good job!
- del
so i just realized i totally skipped the prologue so that's prob why I'm so confused xD sorry
It%u2019s not necessary to read the prologue. It%u2019s technically not included now. Just there for my own personal reference xD
oooh okay haha
Aishe and Lyssa are both Max's sisters, where as Lyssa is his twin and Aishe is their older sister. I hope that helps. XD
it does thanks xD
Heh, no problem!
Heyo Scar! So I promise that this review isn’t gonna be as long as the last one im so sorry about that it looked like just a huge rambling session. But! I hoped it helped xD
As the reader, I have absolutely zero idea of how the Blackwood manor looked, soooo perhaps some descriptions here would be lovely. This building is gonna be a central part of this story, so this is the perfect time for you to ham. It. Up on how the building looks. Just, not too much xD balance is key and all that, but yeah, for Max it looks the same but the reader it looks like… uhhh nothing. Make sure to incorporate your descriptions into the action to make it more fluid and natural. Maybe Max instinctively brushes his hand against the rusted gate etc etc.
I’m confused by this line. What are you trying to say here?
Welcome to the new section of these reviews called #Scarzone , where characterizations remind me of what you write consistently. Boiiii you know I’m gonna push you outside of your comfort zone! Told ya this was gonna happen xD and yeah this sucks as a title but it’s gonna have to work until I can think of a better one that’s not long xD
So, #Scarzone – 1
This seems like information that I should remember but totally won’t. In other words, is this important? Is it absolutely needed to put the specific uni name at this moment? Remember, you can always explain more about this kinda stuff later on. Personally, I’m fine with knowing they went to uni and they graduated. Look at all these kids, going to uni! I’m the only one in my family who’s gone to uni xD
But, this begs another question: Why exactly are they back? I know we talked about this a bit in planning sessions, but this seems all over the place already, which honestly is pretty impressive, since we’re only a few paragraphs in. (I think it’s more all over the place for me because I have knowledge of this story coming in, so I guess keep that in mind) but so are they back because they need a place to stay after uni? Are they back for their sister because she naively moved back in? Are they back for another reason? If it’s a combination of all these, that’s gonna be hard to justify (not impossible, though!).
This is another trap of “adverbs ruining verbs” here that I touched on (aka rambled about a lot) in my prologue review. This is also a confusing combination. Maybe it’s just my thick skull, but “asking sharply” doesn’t innately give me anything description wise.
Scar… you just asked the same question with each twin xD. If neither know the answer, why ask it again? This is something my mom does to me all the time (ask me questions she knows I don’t know the answer to) and I call her out on her bs, soooo I’m doing the same thing here. Also, I want to see some different personalities with Lyssa and Max. I’m still not getting it. So,
#Scarzone – 2
*escorted
Also, I haven’t heard the term “paddy wagon” in forever lol. Is it common where you are? I guess this is just cultural differences xD
Your characters snort A LOT. (I found at least eight times in Fireheart where “snorted” was used, and alllll of them were from Ace lol. How many times do you snort irl? I sure don’t that much. I also just don’t see why Max would snort here? Was he chuckling at his own non-joke? Is he a witch skeptic? There’s so many questions here that a simple word brought up.
#Scarzone – 3
Something about police officers always make me nervous, so I’m right there with you, Max! I’ve never gotten pulled over for breaking the law or anything, but still! Idk maybe I’m just a #rebel and have problems with authority lol
What a dirty innuendo lol
CATS
#Scarzone – 4
So it’s been established that they both curse, which is a shame. It’s something that I see in all of your characters, which is why I’m adding a count. There’s nothing wrong with it, and I get it, you’re in your mid 20s so you’re around people who curse on a conversational level so it’s normal for you, and would be normal for them, but it’s still a commonly used trait in your characters. On another note, this was such a harsh tone for a cat lol, like I know you personally call you kitty a brat all the time, but like, the most I’ve ever called a cat was an a**hole lol.
“drive side” is unneeded here, as, well, he was driving xD
I’m finding a bit of a difference in Aishe, which is better! Perhaps she could sigh here? Idk that’s a really minor thing, it just seems like a time for her to sigh.
Also, this was a clever way of doing exposition! Now readers will connect two and two together with the police, the “incident”, and the funeral. Bravo
Sooo, did their sister not live in this house? I know she’s a bit older than them, but it seems that this Manor has been in their family line for a long time, so wouldn’t she know about the house as much as they do (except for the thing that happened to them at 12 – and even then I’m sure she would know about as much as they do about that incident because, if something happened to my siblings while I was at college my parents would have definitely let me know)? This also adds yet another reason for them to come back (the funeral adds another) in that they wanted to warn her about the house. What exactly are they warning her? Yeah, that thing happened, but you also decided to have them not fully remember it. Did other things happen at that house?
I didn’t really comment on it before, but there’s a lot of weird and out of place emotions happening in this chapter, AND Max turns to look at Lyssa a lot. This seems like this is trying to keep Lyssa in the story while she’s not doing anything. Why would she be smiling here?
#Scarzone – 5
Is Gemini the brand of the car or what Max named it? In either case, saying “My Gemini” feels weird. Personally, I would either say “my car” or “Gemini” in either scenario.
Why is Aishe so angry here? She seemed stressed earlier and wary, but not really this angry like that?
#Scarzone – 6 (same thing as snorted)
#Scarzone 7 – (same thing as snorted lol, honestly I’m getting more cat vibes than human ones here. Is Aishe secretly a cat?! Same thing with “stalked” later on here lol)
So, I liked this chapter! It has problems, yeah, but it’s better than the prologue. I didn’t really feel like a lot was going on, however, including with Max and Lyssa. I’m just having troubles grappling their characters. They seem so similar to each other right now, and similar to a lot of your other characters. That is concerning, and I hope that there’s more to differentiate them in future chapters ^^
I hope this helped! Can’t wait to read chapter 2
Hey Scar!!!! Here to give u one of them sICK REVIEWS
uhh I mean, I'm gonna try and be helpfulOoooh I like that with this one little line, you let us know that there is magic in this world, even though it appears to me modern to some extent. I can't really pin down a year or whatever but the dude's got a CAR lol and idk what a germani is but it sounds fancy or whatever. But yeah, it's a nice way of casually letting us know there's blood magic and spells or something like that. However it works is of course super vague to me right now but HOHO, interesting.
I'm not gonna highlight this as much as Pan did, lol, but I think you mention this bad thing and the bad past quite a lot throughout the chapter without going into specifics - which I totally understand, to keep that mystery - but I think there's a way for you to hint at it more subtly like Pan was saying? In a way, when you don't say there's a mystery outright, it actually makes it more mysterious. Ya get me? Lol.
THAT said though, it still really has me curious a hecka bunch! It makes me wonder if this house is haunted, or cursed, or something really dark. It makes me really want to know what happened 15 years ago but I feel like I'm not gonna get answers for a while, haha.
Okay, so you spend a bit of time on the cats, and I know Pan was like... are they really important? Lol. AND I GET AS A PET PERSON, cats are important haha but I was wondering about their importance ever since you started putting THIS kitty's name in italics, haha. Is the reasoning behind that just cause it looks... idk, more dramatic? I mean, I'm not saying to get rid of it! It works! It just makes the cat's name look kind of mysterious haha and I'm like... is the cat more powerful than we think?? IS IT MORE THAN JUST A CAT??? HMMM.
Oops, just a little typo.
So there's two different mysteries at play here. There's the: who died (since they're here for a funeral) and whodunnit, and what the heck happened all those years ago? I have a very strong feeling they're connected haha, or at least, it very much would make sense for them to be. But I do find it curious that it ends with Max and his sort of statement of resolution to solve the mystery. I dunno, I guess I just didn't get that kind of vibe from him? Sure, he sounded annoyed and wary and like he didn't think his older sister should be messing with the home. But I wasn't under the impression he came with the intent to uh... draw the connections between the two mysteries? Just because he kind of sounded so spooked about the 15yrs ago thing that I didn't think he'd want to uh, return to it/dig it back up? But then again, that could just be me!!
Anyways, this was a really enjoyable chapter to read though!!! The siblings - especially Max and Lyssa have really smooth and natural feeling sibling dynamics, and I love their commentary on their cats haha. That was humorous. Your writing style is also really easy for me to read so yayayayay.
GOOD JOB!!! YOU'RE DOING AMAZING!! And you can keep it up go gurl!! And as usual if you have any questions or whatever, hit me up!
Hiya, ScarlettFire! Happy Start-of-LMS! I thought I'd swing by and review this for you. I'll start with the smaller and more nitpicky comments, then I'll move onto my overall thoughts at the end. Let's go!
Small Comments
As openings go, I think this one leans a bit too far on the expository side. I feel like you're almost trying too hard to hook me, like you're pointing to the mystery and whispering 'look at this!' into my ear. You also pander to details that I doubt Max would think about, using 'their sister' to clarify who he's talking about and specifying that Aishe went to college 'in Perth', even though that would be so obvious to Max as to not mention it. It's tiny things, but they gather together to disrupt the realism.
I actually think the opening would be stronger if it was more to-the-point. Max pulls up to the Manor, looks to Lyssa, asks her 'you up for this?' Let the scene do the talking. Max's discomfort at returning home will come through clearly from his actions and dialogue, so there's no need to spell it out in the prose.
This struck me as particularly For The Audience. If they were both at the same uni, why would she specify its name and where it was? Why would she specify that the course was five years? If you had something like this:
"It's not like we can go back to uni, even if--"
It would feel more naturalistic. When writing dialogue, you always have to consider the shared knowledge of the characters. You need to write according to their understanding, not the reader's. If the only reason they're mentioning something is to educate the audience on some backstory, said audience will feel addressed and the immersion will crack.
I find the repeated use of 'wagon' a bit odd. 'Paddy wagon' is such a marked, colloquial term that it sticks out; it doesn't really work as a quiet synonym because it feels so archaic. There's also the fact that 'paddy wagon' is usually used to refer to a police van, even though you mention that they're looking at a car. I honestly think just calling it a 'car' or 'vehicle' would be far better; they're much more invisible terms.
Typo there.
Seeing as he said her name to get her attention in the previous bit of dialogue, I don't think he'd say it again here.
In the second half of the chapter, you're much better at steering away from obvious exposition, but you lose it towards the end. It's not subtle enough. By all means allude to the dark history of the house, but less obviously. At the moment, it feels like you're trying too hard to hold my interest, even though the plain events of the first chapter would be enough to do that themselves.
Overall Thoughts
1) This is a great outline for an opening chapter. It's got all the things I love - sibling dynamics, old mysteries, strange house - but it comes down to how you execute them. You don't need to rely on the mystery of what happened fifteen years ago to keep this interesting, so don't keep forcing in references to it. The fact that Max is returning to a childhood home with reluctance, the fact that the police have been there, the fractured relationship between him and Lyssa and their older sister - this is all enough to hold my intrigue perfectly by itself. At the moment, I feel like you're scrambling to keep me hooked rather than just telling the story, which actually has a negative effect. Act like you're ignoring your reader. Act like you don't care about them. Maintaining that pretence makes it easier for an audience to sink into a story, because it gives us the sense that it exists outside of our own understanding. If you eavesdropped on a conversation in real life, the speakers wouldn't reference or explain things for your benefit; they'd just keep talking like you weren't there. Reading a story should feel like eavesdropping.
2) The dialogue between the siblings is really good in the second half of the chapter. It gives me a great sense of their dynamic and feels natural to read. In the first half of the chapter, you need to be careful not to use dialogue as a thinly-veiled exposition device; even though dialogue is a great way to fill the reader in on details, you have to make it look indirect. The second half of the chapter is much more successful at that. Just watch out for having your characters address each other by name too often, as well. Unless we're trying to get somebody's attention, it's actually surprisingly rare for us to use people's names.
3) While I'm a sucker for kitties, the bits where they check on the cats and let them out of the carriers seemed to drag on a little longer than necessary. It's not a massive issue overall, but it left me wondering why you were dedicating so much time to it. Unless the cats are more significant than I realise?
4) The basic shape of the chapter does leave me curious. I am intrigued to know more about the siblings' relationship and what their history is, and I'm particularly keen to find out more about this 'accident' in the basement and how it really happened. There's plenty here to engage me. I think you just need to prune the chapter back a bit so that those interesting elements can stand out more.
I hope this helped! If you want me to elaborate on anything, please do ask.
Keep writing!
~Pan