Heya Scar! Happy RevMo! Seems like the perfect time to review this, and since I’m a part of the YWU, I will probably be scrutinizing the plot of this as well mwahahaha
I like how you describe Iztal’s voice in Shandor’s mind. It’s wonderful imagery and elicits such a good and fond kind of sensory reactions from me. I like it!
One of the things that’s interesting about Shandor and Iztal is how they (spoiler for anyone else who’s reading this that is not Scar xD) alone power this protection around Draconis, and they’ve been doing it for so long that, well, it will be the thing that kills them, of course. I was going to say that it’s killing them, but that’s been happening for a very long time. I don’t know exactly how old Iztal is, but I would say that his age is somewhere near, either higher or lower, Tyndros’, and yet Tyndros, for his age, is rather healthy and not anywhere near the same threat level of dying as Iztal is. The huge difference between the two, though, is that Tyndros stayed in hiding for thousands of years, secluded himself, and didn’t use his magic, while Iztal has used so much magic for so long. I wonder how Iztal would think if he and Tyndros interacted. How would things have changed if Tyndros more actively assisted his kind, especially when they were hunted to near extinction?
Dark purple eyes lingered over intricate stonework and worn paths, glided portrayals of ancient people
This description is weird, and honestly doesn’t make too much sense. Are you talking about Shandor’s eyes or Iztal’s eyes? Even then, I think there’s still something missing at the beginning her, explaining whose eyes they are and what is going on here. Is Shandor pouring over some, so that explains the eyes?
So, this egg here, is this the primal source? I don’t actually remember what it is, so I’m asking here. And if it is the Primal Source, does that mean that there’s something, magically at least, still alive in that egg? And of course, it hasn’t been touched in awhile because of the dust that is on in. Speaking of said dust, your description “dust right in front of the egg” is a bit awkward of a way to say that. I would rather change that the right in front to something different, like “on the face of it” or “on the front” or something along those lines.
Overall, this chapter isn’t actually showing us much, and I think it’s… too mysterious? At least, it’s too vague. This feels more like one of those prologues that don’t actually add much to the story and can be left out, because they’re more really trying so hard to be vague and mysterious, and I think a similar thing can be said here. So, what’s actually going on here? Shandor doesn’t know, Iztal doesn’t know, and we don’t know, and instead of anything really being answered, we get a vague, what’s supposed to be terrifying, “Run” at the end. Listen, it’s honestly not that terrifying, haha. And I’m saying this as someone who knows what kind of power this would take to be in this room, or at least the position it takes. I’d like to start a conversation with where you’re thinking of taking this, so I can understand more of your thinking regarding the future of this story and what you were hoping to accomplish here with this chapter. I think I could help you more that way. I honestly can’t say much more until there’s more to this story, because this chapter was pretty short and didn’t offer much except vague mysteries. I hope this helped! And I also hope this review made you freak out a bit or sweat a bit because the BIG BAD OVERLORD OF YWU CAME TO REVIEW THIS or something like that, idk im tired XD. Now your turn to review The Forgotten??
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Reviews: 378
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