Hey all, I thought I might post this and see what everyone thought. Note that this is horror/sci fi and didn't fit anywhere else.... Also, it's not finished and I don't know where to take it. Crit and suggestions welcome. 
Proceed, enjoy and review. 
Chapter 1: Disaster.
I stared at the scene before me. I stared at the blood seeping across the ground towards me. I knew that they would be coming soon but I couldn’t stop looking at what was before me.
My mother lay on the ground. A rusty nail had pierced her neck and she had bled out within seconds. She’d tripped and fallen over, landing on the nail. I never even heard her scream.
But now, now it was too late. They were coming and if I didn’t move soon, I’d be dead too.
I knelt down beside my mum and kissed her check. I couldn’t bury her and I wasn’t sure if they would eat her or not. It was too late anyway and I didn’t have the time to sit around here and say goodbye.
I straightened up when I heard the noise. It was something between howl and a scream, I knew what it was and so did my little brother.
“Is that them?” he whispered clutching my hand.
I turned to look at the little brown haired, blue-eyed boy beside me. He was trying to hide and he wasn’t looking at mum; in fact, he was looking anywhere but at her.
“Yeah,” I said. “It is.” I looked back down the alley and flinched when I heard one of them run into the blockade we’d put up at the far end. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
My brother nodded and together we snuck off down the alley, trying to keep quiet in case the others heard us. One was enough trouble.
We made it to the end of the alley and I peeked around the corner. The street was empty but I wasn’t going to take it at face value. Just because something looked empty doesn’t mean it is.
I looked down at my little brother. He was holding his teddy bear, Bailey, to his chest like a life line. His eyes were wide and he was rigid, staring off across the street to our left.
“What is it?” I asked. “What do you see?”
He pointed towards an alley across from us. I followed his lead and looked to where he was pointing.
There, at the entrance of the alley was one of them. It was a man, but he was most definitely dead and had been for a while. And yet, even though he was definitely dead, he was walking around and making weird noises like he was still half alive.
I pulled my brother back into our alley and watched the dead man shuffle around in his alley. He didn’t notice us, but I knew he could smell us. Maybe his eyes had been poked out? I didn’t want to stick around and find out.
I slipped out the alley, dragging my brother behind me and snuck off down the street. I checked to see if the gun that dad had given me was still where it should be, in it's holster, and took a look back at the alley. He was standing in the middle of the street now, his back to us.
I fingered the gun but he just took off in the opposite direction to us.
“Jesse,” I whispered and my brother looked up at me. “Let’s go find that safe house, huh?”
Jesse nodded and we raced off down the street. We didn’t run into any of them, and we get lost a lot but eventually we found the damn safe house. And unfortunately for us, it was empty.
* * *
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
Wow, this is a good story! But since I'm here I would also like to point out the part where her mother dies. Giving a slight kiss on the cheek doesn't really set the vibe that your character has true, saddening, emotions. What I'm trying to say is please be more descriptive about this part, and if her younger brother was there, why would he not be crying as well? So please add to this part. Also,
"It was a man, but he was most definitely dead and had been for a while. And yet, even though he was definitely dead, he was walking around and making weird noises like he was still half alive. I pulled my brother back into our alley and watched the dead man shuffle around in his alley. He didn’t notice us, but I knew he could smell us."
Ok so, in the beginning, the characters already knew there were zombies, correct? So why was she so bewildered when she saw him? And if you are saying that he was just half dead, and not a zombie, then how could he smell you? But if they didn't know that there were zombies, please somehow add that in, someone can easily get confused by this. Other than that, GREAT story, and please make a part 2! Once again, great story. -Lauren
Thanks for the reviews, guys. I've thinking of rewriting this anyway. Hmm...
Dear Scarlett (haha, my novel character's name! Sorry, couldn't help saying that)
I love apocalypse- zombie stories, and with a few well-written descriptions and beautiful similes/metaphors the story will florish.
I have to say this: loved the idea, but I believe you need to re-write it. The potential of your characters hasn't been harnessed properly.
And especially this part:
If my mother had suddenly died and my father wasn't with me, I'd bawl. Honestly, this part makes it hard to believe the character. Even if she didn't cry, at least the kid should be upset. You can show that it would be hopeless to stand around and mop after her AND show that she is extremely distraught AT THE SAME TIME. It is possible.
-Maddy
This opening is pretty good, but all three sentences ending in 'me', two with 'before me'. It's repetitive, and it makes the flow stilted. Easily fixed, with a little rearranging. =P
Oooh. The lack of emotion gives the feeling of shock, is that intentional?
For someone who is in such a hurry, she stops and thinks about how she's in a hurry a lot =O
At the moment, I get a gloomy, cold, and shocked feeling. If that's what you are going for, then kudos. But if you want more action/horror at this stage, consider speeding it up a little. Shorter scentences and try not to linger on one topic, or circle back to one.
'in fact' is unneccesary. As I said, if you want to have a faster paced horror story, you want to cut down on the words. =P
I'm not certain here, but shouldn't 'is' be 'was?' past and present and stuff? I get confused. Look into that =P
Hrmm. I think it would be more effective to refrain from 'explainig'? What I mean is cutting out "and yet...dead" and "like he was still half alive."
There, at the entrance of the alley was one of them. It was a man, but he was most definitely dead and had been for a while. He was walking around and making weird noises (at the back of his throat? Iunno. I edited but now this scentence feels unfinished. But do you get what I mean?)
Basically, rather than explaining, just state it as a fact as if the reader is clued in, and the reader make get a small shock- good in a horror- or even if they don't, they will fill in the blanks quickly enough. People like to be treated like they are knowledgable.
D= your ending does not give the story justice D= it basically feels crammed in at the end, like you pressed fast forward x5 past the important bits. I really liked the story, you capture a shocked and survivalistic mood well, and I found the end a bit of a let down. =/ You should bulk it out! =D
Your structure is weird, with the really short paragraphs. I don't know how to fix it, I just noticed it. It makes the flow seem choppy, and feels like you are skimming without getting too deep. if that's the way you want it, excellent. If you extend it, however, you should possibly get deeper into the emotions, the descriptions of the surroundings, the feelings, and the way she felt. Were her hands shaking, was her heart hammering? Just little details that can really flesh a scene into something tangible.
I like what I read, however, and this tone is effective in the horror genre. With a little fleshing it could be something fantastic. ^^ Awesome, scar.
-Nutty
I keep forgetting to do that--the rating, I mean. I've specified a rating. Now you can read it.
The rating will be for later chapters...
Hi I would love o read it if you can specify rating.Plz..
Thank you. Oh, it's not the dad. It's just some zombie, hence the 'he' and 'it' references. Anyways. I knew there were mistakes.. I'll fix them soon. Thanks again for the review.
Hello Scarlett!!
I liked this story. Zombies and two kids trying to make it out alive = epic! I cannot wait for the continuation!
I shall review this in outrageous orange!
My first impression was wow. I really liked how you started this story with a bang by killing the main character's mother. And I must say, what a gruesome way to die. We see them have a few tense moments in the middle that left me guessing quite a bit. The end to this chapter was very very good! I liked how you put a spin on their arrival with the emptiness being “unfortunate”. Very nice intro chapter, I want to see more!
There were a few things I think should be looked at, I have pointed them out.
Again, great story. I am curious to how this apocalypse occurred (and of course that will be revealed later in the story), and really I like the approach. Great job.
Thank you. Yeah, I love how everyone's end of the world ideas are so very different. Thanks again and sure, you can take it in to be analyised.
I don't mind at all. You might even come up with an interesting plot twist for this. *shrugs* Just as long as you remember that it's mine, okay?
And sure, Nikki. I'll message you.
I must admit, as I'm writing this, I have to say I haven't read your story yet. I'll comment on it altogther after I'm done.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
stared at the scene before me. I stared at the blood seeping across the ground towards me. I knew that they would be coming soon but I couldn’t stop looking at what was before me.
My mother lay on the ground. A rusty nail had pierced her neck and she had bleed out (perhaps “she had bled to death” would make more sense) within seconds. She’d tripped and fallen over, landing on the nail. I never even heard her scream.
But now, now it was too late. They were coming and if I didn’t move soon, I’d be dead too.
I knelt down beside my mum and kissed her check. (I assume you mean cheek, simple typo, understandable) I couldn’t bury her and I wasn’t sure if they would eat her or not. It was too late anyway, (maybe take out the comma and instead write and?) I didn’t have the time to sit around here and say goodbye.
I straighten (ed) up when I heard the noise. It was something between (a) howl and a scream. I knew what it was and so did my little brother.
“Is that them?” he whispered, clutching my hand.
I turned to look at the little brown haired, blue-eyed boy beside me. He was trying to hide and he wasn’t looking at mum; in fact, he was looking anywhere but at her.
“Yeah,” I said. “It is.” I looked back down the alley and flinched when I heard one of them run into the blockade we’d put up at the far end. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”
My brother nodded and together we snuck off down the alley, trying to keep quiet in case the others heard us. One was enough trouble.
We made it to the end of the alley and I peeked around the corner. The street was empty but I wasn’t going to take it at face value. Just because something looked empty doesn’t mean it is.
I looked down at my little brother. He was holding his teddy bear, Bailey, to his chest like a life line. His eyes were wide and he (possibly add his frame was rigid instead of he?) was rigid, staring off across the street to our left.
“What is it?” I asked. “What do you see?”
He pointed towards an alley across from us. I followed his lead and looked to where he was pointing.
There, at the entrance of the alley was one of them. It was a man, but he was most defiantly (did you mean definitely? Or defiantly? Both seem to work) dead and had been for a while. And yet, even though he was defiantly (again, definitely?) dead, he was walking around and making weird noises like he was still half alive.
I pulled my brother back into our alley and watched the dead man shuffle around in his alley. He didn’t notice us, but I knew he could smell us. Maybe his eyes had been poked out? I didn’t want to stick around and find out.
I slipped out (of) the alley, dragging my brother after me and snuck off down the street. I checked to see if the gun that dad had given me was still where it should be, in its holster, and took a look back at the alley. He was standing in the middle of the street now, his back to us.
I fingered the gun but he just took off in the opposite direction to (from maybe?) us.
“Jesse,” I whispered, and my brother looked up at me. “Let’s go find that safe house, huh?”
Jesse nodded and we raced off down the street. We didn’t run into any of them, and we get (got) lost a lot but eventually we found the damn(ed) safe house. And unfortunately for us, it was empty.
* * *
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In the end, I liked it. I'm really into the zombie stuff, and I was excited when I saw your post. Good job, I look forward to your next piece. Message me when it comes out, eh?
hey! I can't wait to read the rest of your story. Zombie 'end of the world' stories are so popular these days but I like to read how different people would approach impending doom. I loved your story, well what I have read so far, it had action right in the beginning which kept my interest.
just let me know.
we have a class at uni in which we bring in stories and analyse them. If you like i could give you an analysis