Published July 14, 2008
I've read the rules, I think it's ok to post this so long as it's rated properly.
If I've crossed a line I shouldn't have then let me know and I will delete it and apologize 
Also, please be harsh if it's bad!
The frantic scramble,
of our bodies needing friction,
craving that wonderful sound of flesh on flesh.
Lips pressed together in hurried kisses,
teasing and tasting each other.
Clothes shed quickly,
torn and scattered on the floor.
The scent of our sweat mixing,
as our bodies become one.
Joining together as passion creates
pleasure, and our minds lose
the ability to think.
Together we fall into this game
of ecstasy.
Peace and Love
Scarlett
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141,364 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
So, I liked this, to some extent. I won't repeat what Cade said, so it leaves me with not so much to say. There was, however, one line that really irritated me. It may just be me, but still.
Sound doesn't seem right there....I was thinking maybe replacing it with feel would sound better. Just a suggestion.
Good Job and Merry Writing!
~Bella~
Don't worry, Scarlett! The 'R' rating is appropriate. (And trust me, there have been much edgier things posted under 'R' ratings.) If you ever have a question about ratings, feel free to PM a moderator or junior mod. Thanks for reading the rules first! And now for the critique.
If I were to write this out in sentence form sans line breaks it would read:Description and direction. I think the piece mostly suffers because it describes a typical movie or TV sex scene, complete with darkish set, jumpy camera, close-ups of the actors' faces and tussled hair. I'm thinking, big deal. I can find this just about any hour of the day on my TV. What makes it special?
Most of your sentences are...well, they're fragments, and they're fragments that are only descriptive, telling one thing about the scene. So that makes me wonder...what's it all mean? Where's this poem going? I don't feel that the piece is much beyond what's on the page/screen. I feel like there's so little emotion behind it, despite the 'passionate' subject matter! I should like for this poem to tell me something, to make me think or say, "I've never thought of it that way!" instead of "Well, that's nice. Good for speaker and speaker's lover. Moving on."
Punctuation. Don't forget about those pesky rules. Mostly I notice a comma problem. You don't need a comma at the end of every line like you've got in the beginning. Line breaks or not, punctuate as you would in a normal sentence.
The frantic scramble, of our bodies needing friction, craving that wonderful sound of flesh on flesh.
As I mentioned before, it's a fragment anyway (which isn't a crime, but I don't see its purpose here), but it should read:
The frantic scramble of our bodies needing friction, craving that wonderful sound of flesh on flesh.
-Colleen