The Dying Tree: Lovers Regrowing

ScarletMonkey,


To my ear, you have constructed a bunch of images placed haphazardly across the page to "support" some grandiose unifying themes of life/decay/time. You could have chosen to take each of themes seriously, but instead under-developed all three and left the reader with little more than a passing nod of recognition.

Clear the clutter of abstract ideas and feelings, find a concrete topic to write about, and work from there.


Best,
Brad

That was wonderful. ^_^ I loved it all. I'm not the best person to give a critique on poetry, but I found this easy to follow and enjoyable to read. Maybe someone with more experience about poetry will think otherwise, but I thought it was beautiful.

Great work!

~*Syd*~

Ok, a lot of stuff has been edited. I actually took a look at this and realised that the focus isn't that strong. I've got good lines in here but also some really weak ones

So I re-did some of it.

Before it wasn't that focused so i've fixed that AND changed the title to reflect it.

Anyway tell me what you think



ScarletMonkey

This poem has the potential to be truly beautiful, but there's still more work to be done.

Nothing can compare to nature;
we retread this adventure,
when no art and no poetry,
can account for the beauty around me.

To begin with, your second line confuses me. We retread what adventure? I think you should rephrase this to make your meaning clear, as I'm not getting it. It give the impression of rhyming (or attempting to) with "nature" which lessens the impact of the first line and makes the reader flinch. To be perfectly honest, when I read that I expected a load of semi-rhyming rubbish, and that kind of beginning doesn't do this wonderful poem justice!

Even the dead of the trees
lay peacefully along the earth;
they open themselves for footsteps.
The human dead hold their tongue,
to recollect all things given joyfully,
Away from all else.

OK, nit-pick time. "lay" should be "lie." I agree with xantham that "pathways" might be better than "footsteps". Also, "tongue" should be plural as you're talking about more than one human dead. I'm not sure what those last two lines are supposed to mean; perhaps rephrase? I'd suggest not using "all else" here as it detracts from the ending.

Lovers compare the frosted glass,
of the bleached winter mornings,
to the soft, gentle breathing[s],[/s]
that broke them both into song.

I don't understand those last two lines either.

Spring to nature, spring,
like leaves do to boughs!

Eh? These lines "spring" suddenly into the poem, and I'm not sure they're needed.

The child learns his seasons first,
and his life weaves around,
all else.

That's absolutely beautiful. Whatever else you do, please keep this!

Overall, a lot of it needs editing for clarity and focus, but you have the beginnings of a really great poem here. I especially love those last lines. Kudos!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Nothing can compare to nature, (semicolon maybe?)
we retread this adventure,
when no art and no poetry,
can account for the beauty around me.

The human dead hold their privacy
to recollect all things given joyfully,
and join oneself to this planet forcefully

So it must come to pass,
where leaves are remnants of the past,
man counts each second,
that materials have beckoned.
As the stuff in a story,
we should not really worry,

spring to the horizon
like leaves do to boughs,
the child learns his seasons first,
and his life weaves around.