I think of you in shades of blue,
The blue that calms,
The deep blue that kills,
Like looking into a sky that makes you feel safe,
or being taken by the ocean and dragging me away.
Iv'e been swimming in the deep end, it's worth it for you baby,
keep getting crushed by the waves in a whirlwind haze.
I've been drowning lately, don't think i can take the pain.
That's why you keep telling me to look up to the sky,
that shade that looks exactly like your eyes,
the one that will always pull me back by your side.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hello! Okay well this poem is SO BEAUTIFUL. I'm genuinely envious haha. Blue is my favorite color and it's because it reminds me of drowning in love and pulled all over the place by life so this poem connects with my heart. However, like every poem there are things you can fix.
Firstly, I recommend you take out the world "baby" in the line: "Iv'e been swimming in the deep end, it's worth it for you baby,". In my opinion, pet names and nicknames lose impact and make the poem turn cliche and sappy.
The other things are just simple grammar errors. For example, capitalizing your "I"s and making sure that where there are periods there are full sentences.
This poem in overall is really extraordinary.
Keep contributing to the world literature! <3
Hello! Okay well this poem is beautiful. I'm genuinely envious haha. Blue is my favorite color and it's because it reminds me of drowning in love and pulled all over the place by life so this poem connects with my heart. However, like every poem there are things you can fix.
Firstly, I recommend you take out the world "baby" in the line: "Iv'e been swimming in the deep end, it's worth it for you baby,". In my opinion, pet names and nicknames lose impact and make the poem turn cliche and sappy.
The other things are just simple grammar errors. For example, capitalizing your "I"s and making sure that where there are periods there are full sentences.
This poem in overall is really extraordinary.
Keep contributing to the world literature! <3
I guess I should come out of my hibernation and start reviewing again, and this seems like a good piece to kick start my reviews with! Congratulations @ScarletARose for being chosen to be my first victim
I will rate it a 6 out of ten for now, which is actually pretty well done when I am delivering critique (it takes a lot to impress me, so don't feel dissuaded)
)
Anyway, on to the poem.
So, the first thing one notices of any piece is the title... You don't pick up a book and start reading without glancing at the title first, and the same applies with poetry. Although your title is good and draws the attention, it is overused, or at least, the idea behind it. I would suggest to keep some form of blue in the title, but making it unique however you please (don't lengthen it... It is always good to have a short but powerful title)
Next, I shall deal with grammar. The reason why I love poetry (both reading and writing it) is because of the freedom it provides. There is no defined "right way" to do it, which is why I admire your courage to attempt a free verse poem.
It works well for the most part, but please remember to consider the fluidity of your verses. Your main themes are love and blue (i.e water and the sky, etc), which obviously requires a lot of fluidity and rhythm to suggest those concepts. Your use of punctuation (to which I shall come momentarily), restricts and stagnates this rhythm to me as a musician.
With regards to punctuation, I would advise you to remove some the commas and periods at the end of your verses. You must remember that your audience is intelligent enough to understand what you are meaning with the verses, regardless of punctuation which simply hampers the rhythm.
On to vocab! Okay, so first thing: replace the blue's. There are so many words to explain or metaphorically state blue that the continuous repetition of "blue" is a bit diminishing to the content. The "baby" also doesn't fit with the mood of the piece, and greatly changes my view of the poem as a whole.
Another thing- change the starts of many of your verses. I understand that it is supposed to be a conversational poem, but starting nearly every verse with "that", "or" or "I've" just makes it difficult to read the verses. (Also, note the spelling error in line 6... You wrote "Iv'e")
Also: Metaphors, Alliterations and Personifications. These add a maturer depth to the content, and make the piece just that much more interesting to read.
As for content; it was okay, but not exceptional. I could not entirely connect with the emotion (which I can clearly see you wish to bring through with this piece) behind the piece, which made it a bit more difficult to read. Try separating ideas, and try not to use the same idea multiple times but in different ways (verses 5-8 are essentially the same thing stated differently)
It also ended so abruptly. You left the message hanging in the air (in my honest opinion), and although that works with novels, it unfortunately does not work so well here.
Overall, this piece needs some work, but it has the potential (which is always good) Work on your vocabulary and presentation of content, and improve the grammatical particulars, and this could be a stellar piece
Welcome to YWS, and be sure to ask me or any other mod (we have the light and dark green usernames) if you are ever in a pickle (If you find yourself in a literal pickle, we have med student here who can surgically remove you from said pickle
Hope to see more of your works,
The Illusive Intellect
Hi ScarletARose, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Quick note: Welcome to YWS, I hope you have fun on the site.
Theme: This is a pretty well used theme and has become a bit of a cliché, but I think you pulled it off in a way that made it interesting to read. I really liked how this poem flowed even though there were no rhymes. The first line was a great start to the poem and drew me in, as for the last line, well that was a wonderful way to end the poem.
Description: I think the reason this comes across as interesting is because you used the constant theme of blue. You used the description of the ocean and the sky to your advantage and they fitted really well since they are blue.
Suggestions: I don't really have any suggestions for I like the poem the way it is.
Small problems: Okay so I do have on problem. Since your main theme is blue, I think that you should use for words to describe the colour of it. In the first three sentences you used the word blue thrice. For the first sentence I think you should stay with the word blue. Then in the second sentence you could use a soft blue colour like turquoise perhaps. Then in the last sentence you could say cobalt or navy.
Overall this was a great poem and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.