Published January 1, 2009
My first poem - And first draft.
Sitting there,
Watching the world go by;
Staring out the window,
Despairing at the curse.
Loved ones long gone,
Swept away by winds beyond control;
Leaving one behind,
One waiting to be freed.
The fast, ever changing world,
Has no place for one of great wisdom;
No place to care for those who lived,
Knowledge forgotten.
One last friend do those people have,
The last friend they'll ever know;
The thing that will release them,
To join the ones they've lost.
When the friend comes calling,
And they take the last step;
No-one is there to say good-bye,
For they are already waiting.
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hey i really liked the poem. I found no errors.
For your first poem, this was great!
It was very well written and gave hope.
I really like the third and the last stanza. Very emotional and vivid imagery.
Great job!!!
Becca
Since its the 1st draft you can work on it more.You just can't start a poem randomly,
perhaps you can but by the time the reader finishes reading the poem he should have clear in his mind who are these "they","the friend",etc.The poem didn't judge well with its clarity.
But even when I attempted few of mine first poems they were vague too.Work on it,and it will be a good piece to read surely.
I would say the ending was good.You definitely made a good attempt.And I would give a 6/10 too.
Keep writing and posting.
~Shine~
its good
Kk Thanks Gahks, i'll work on it.
Hey there!
This is a good start. Parts of this are quite well-written, particularly the ending:
"When the friend comes calling,
And they take the last step;
No-one is there to say good-bye,
For they are already waiting."
The problem with this is: Who are 'they'? The speaker? The object of their affections? A crazed axe-wielding maniac? You get the idea. It all seems a bit vague. Define the person you're talking about. Focus the images: add detail, perhaps like this:
"When his friend comes calling,
the old man creeps through the door;
No-one is there to say good-bye,
For they are already waiting." (Last line doesn't make any sense)
Elsewhere, you could use some fresher images. Instead of this stale stanza:
"Sitting there,
Watching the world go by;
Staring out the window,
Despairing at the curse."
Try something more original, more fresher sounding, particularly with openings because they need to catch our attention. The use of the present participle is good and adds immediacy, but the action described is bland. Try, for instance, something like:
"Painting his last masterpiece,
the old man stares into the window of his dreams,
despairs at the reddening bitterness
that casts a lingering shadow over his handiwork."
Something like that. Use as many senses as you can ("reddening bitterness"); that often helps the reader to plunge into the scene instead of just plainly reading it. In other words, it shows rather than tells.
You managed to avoid the frequent pitfall of "was [adjective]," like "he was happy," which I commend you for. In fact, this piece is a commendable attempt; it just needs refining and polishing. Good work!
Gahks
6/10