I regret what I did with, but I did it anyway because my mother asked me to.
I sat by her bed, the beep of the heart monitor slowly coming to a stop. I shook my father awake and pointed to the heart monitor. As the nurses pulled her out of the room tears streamed down my face. I sat in the chair unable to move. My father placed his hand on mine and gave it a squeeze trying to be helpful after all the years he neglected me. Annoyed I took my hand out from under his and walked into the hallway of the hospital. I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked into the cool night air.
I needed to wrap my head around things and comprehend the fact that I was a piece to my mothers death. She didn't die of a heart attack or stroke. She died because of me, because she asked me to take her off of life support. She said she could not bear the pain any longer she just wanted to get over with it.
I turned onto a dirt pathway their was a figure standing a couple feet away from me. The figure motioned for me to come closer. Once I got closer I could tell it was a boy. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt . As I walked closer I heard a cracking noise behind me, I winced. I looked to see what it was but it was nothing. When I looked back to where he had been standing, there was nothing there except for a note. It said: “Be careful. I know what you did.”
When I arrived home my dad was asleep on the couch . That night as I was falling asleep, I kept wondering about the boy that left the note. What was he trying to say to me? Was he warning me or threatening me? Does know what I did? How did he find me?
As the time went by I lay wondering about two things. What have I done? And Him.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Hello, I'm here to review your revised version of your story. First, I will say that it is a significant improvement from the last. It makes much more sense now that you've taken the time to explain what happened and why the protagonist felt so guilty. You had a few grammar errors here and there, but I didn't see anything major wrong here. I will point out a few of those mistakes for you, though.
I don't think you need the "with" in this sentence. It sounds weird with it in.
All of these sentence structures are the same. Having too many sentences next to each other with the same structure can make your story seem choppy (if that makes any sense.) Try using a variety of sentence structures so that your story flows better. One way you can figure out the best ways to word your sentences is to read them out loud. I know, flow is usually associated with poetry, but flow is an important part of prose as well. Just keep that in mind when you're writing, whether it's prose or poetry, the flow matters.
A mini lesson on when to use commas and when to use semicolons: Commas are used to separate dependent and independent clauses (i.e. "As the alarm clock rang, the girl reached for the snooze button.") The first half of the sentence cannot stand as its own sentence without the other half to support it, therefore it is a dependent clause. The second half is independent because if you take away the first half, it still stands on its own as a full sentence.
Semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses (i.e. "The boy danced in the rain; he had a lot of fun.") Both halves of the sentence can stand on their own if half of the sentence is taken away. The first half is its own sentence as well as the second half.
Do you get what I'm trying to say, or am I just talking nonsense to you? xD
Now, using the mini lesson I just taught you, you can go back and find the rest of the places with missing commas or semicolons. Also, you use a comma after things like "also", "however", etc. if they start off the sentence.
I hope I was of some help to you. Have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you so much! I am very bad at grammar and some of these things I have not yet learned in school.
No problem! If you have any more questions about any of this, or just grammar rules in general, feel free to PM me and I will be glad to help
Hey hey,Raindrop here!
Will give you a fast holdfully usefull review now.
Reading and reviewing at once.
I regret what I did with, but I did it anyway because my mother asked me to.
/ First of all,you do not need to put commas before but.
It is not needed.But still acceptable./
I sat by her bed, the beep of the heart monitor slowly coming to a stop.
/ ...the heart monitor was slowly coming to a stop /
I shook my father awake and pointed to the heart monitor.
As the nurses pulled her out of the room tears streamed down my face.
/ ...out of the room, tears streamed down my face/
I sat in the chair unable to move.
/I sat in the chair,unable to move./
My father placed his hand on mine and gave it a squeeze trying to be helpful after all the years he neglected me.
Annoyed I took my hand out from under his and walked into the hallway of the hospital. I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked into the cool night air.
/Annoyed, I took my hand away from his and walked into the hallway of the hospital.
I wiped the tears from my eyes and walked into the cold night air./
I needed to wrap my head around things and comprehend the fact that I was a piece to my mothers death. She didn't die of a heart attack or stroke. She died because of me, because she asked me to take her off of life support. She said she could not bear the pain any longer she just wanted to get over with it.
/wrap my hand around things?
mother's death
She said she couldn't beat the pain any longer, she just wanted to get over with it./
I turned onto a dirt pathway their was a figure standing a couple feet away from me.
/...pathway there was a figure standing a couple feet away from me/
The figure motioned for me to come closer. Once I got closer I could tell it was a boy. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt . As I walked closer I heard a cracking noise behind me, I winced. I looked to see what it was but it was nothing. When I looked back to where he had been standing, there was nothing there except for a note. It said: “Be careful. I know what you did.”
/Once I got closer, I could tell it was a boy.....As I walked closer,(not 100% needed).../
When I arrived home my dad was asleep on the couch . That night as I was falling asleep, I kept wondering about the boy that left the note. What was he trying to say to me? Was he warning me or threatening me? Does know what I did? How did he find me?
As the time went by I lay wondering about two things. What have I done? And Him.
/ If you could put the 'What have I done?And Him."in italic./
Overall,interesting story.Go on!I hope I was helpful.I read out loud and the commas are for where I stop.
I hope you have a good night/day.
Thank you so much!! I am so bad with commas and punctuation
You are welcome.
I am very confused about what is happening. Also, I think some of the word choices sound a bit like you're just trying to show off long words. I had to look up "consternation", and "my regret had been a hindrance" sounds like something someone would say in a fake Received Pronuncation accent. I would change it to "my regret had stalled me", or maybe even change the word "regret" to something stronger like "grief", excerpt I don't know what his regret is at all so I don't know how best to describe it. I do think you could make the long words work if you didn't just juxtapose the occasional long word in with a bunch of short words ("synchronize our steps" and "was so luminous" are awkward in the midst of otherwise terse diction, for a couple of examples). Also, "it was a very vague" what? You don't need to say that something is very vague also, if you just describe it well enough.
Hello! I loved this story! It kept my interest throughout and I love you use of imagery. That being said, as this is a review I will now provide you with some constructive criticism.
I'm kind of confused as to what is happening. It's interesting, but I don't understand. I think you should expand on the story a little more to clarify some things. It felt very inconclusive. Are you planning on writing a continuation of this story that will shed some light on the boy and what he thinks you protagonist did? If not, I would suggest writing it into this story. It's good to keep your readers in suspense, but being too vague can also confuse the reader and make them lose interest.
" I stood in a field, the corn looked as though it touched the moon."
This sentence sounds a bit weird to me. I would suggest changing it up a little. You could try something like:
"I stood in a cornfield, so tall that it seemed to touch the moon."
Obviously, it doesn't have to be exactly like that. It's just a suggestion.
"That was all it said, it was very vague."
You don't need the last part of that sentence because the reader already knows it is vague from the description you gave before. So the sentence should simply read like this:
"That was all it said.
Description is good, but if you're overly descriptive, it makes your work sound repetitive and the readers start to lose interest.
In conclusion, this was an interesting story and you describe things well, but I think your plot delivery could use a little improvement (unless this is just part one of something bigger, then I'm assuming the discrepancies will be cleared up later.) Keep writing and have a wonderful day/night!
Thank you for the review! I wrote this short story for school (the unneeded words, and shortness) I am planning on writing more when I get the chance. I will definitely add more detail. Again thanks for the comment!