The cold wind moaned as it whipped and swished through the twisted streets and alleys of the Hannia Slums. It snapped at the heels of those who dwelled in the dilapidated slums as they scuttled about, tending to their own business.
Children in tattered rags sat on the cobbled stone and playing games not to far from the decrepit hovels they called "homes". A young boy blew into a handmade reed instrument and a sorrowful tune pierced through the hiss of the wind. His skinny hound pricked up its ears to listen.
Drizzle fell from the grey sky and the citizens of the slums pulled their cloaks closer to their bodies for warmth, huddling together with people they knew, leaving ones they didn't to fend for themselves.
A guard strolled into the narrow alley and spotted the cluster of shivering people. He cleared his throat and moved a hand to the hilt of his sword that hung at his belt. The little crowd dispearsed, mothers grabbing their children and disappearing down connecting alleys. The boy who sat by his dog threw his reed instrument, got to his feet and dashed away, the hound loyaly trotting in his wake.
The armoured guard nodded in satisfaction and set off to patrol another alley.
He turned a corner and saw another guard leaning in the shadows against a grey stone wall. Striding up he spoke in a contemptuous tone.
"What a terrible existance these Slum Rats have".
The guard leaning on the wall nodded. "Aye, I'd rather die than suffer life here"
"Lucky we have the Barracks, what would we do without that place?" chuckled the other.
"At least the Eliminations are almost afoot. Soon we will be able to sweep through these streets and alleys and exterminate any Slummers who get in our way". The two guards smiled approvingly as they thought about the event that would take place in just four days. They continued their conversation as they both walked down another alley, towards the Square.
* * *
A young man, of about eighteen summers, threw his feet over the wall, just above the spot where the guard had been leaning a second before and dropped, landing lightly on his toes. He surveyed his surroundings with emerald eyes and held his dagger delicately, but ready to use at his thigh.
He wore a black tunic and simple woven leggings, boots upon his feet. Sewn onto his tunic was a design that depicted a skull in a crown being consumed by silver vines. This was the design of the Bane of Arnthor, a rebel band of youths that revolted against the King Arnthor, who left the Slummers here to live in these terrible circumstances.
Not one to attack two of the kings guards single-handedly, the young man turned on his heal, deciding to report back to the Bane's meeting Place. He sheathed his prized dagger as he ran and slipped it into a pocked sewn into the folds of his tunic.
With a final glance in the direction where the guards had previously stood, the young man brushed his dark hair from his striking green eyes and disappeared down a narrow alley in a haze of shadow and falling drizzle.
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,783 Reviews
I'll be COMPLETELY honest, yet I'll try not to be rude or anything...D;= rude isn't my style
Okay, I couldn't finish reading it, why? Simply. I /didn't understand/! D;= ALWAYS make the first chapters catchy. I couldn't even get through the first paragraph. You used too many 'big' words.
The average reading range for the US(at least) is 5th grade reading level, I know sad. I'm a 12th grade and I didn't even understand some of the words in your first paragraph.
You shouldn't make a reader have to get a dictionary while reading, it turns the reader off. I usually read part of the first chapter in the store, and if this was a book, I would put it back! Only because you used words that I wouldn't know. From context clues, I just barely got what you were saying. =D but it's sad when I can't even pronounce the words. Don't be afraid to use simple words. There's nothing wrong with simple.
=D I hope I helped a bit for future works. I'll try to read it again when I have a dictionary handy, promise!
Ah, I see... I can't wait to read more!
Rev
The guards patrol all over the place, but here they patrol the slums making sure the citizens are kept in line and don't try anything to rebel. And during the "clear out" not all of the slummers are cleared out of the area, guards break into homes of some familys and basically just rip them away. it will all become clear in the next chapters, hopefully
Interesting some of the wording was a little awkward or cliched but it was nice.
Pretty good, i like how you forshadowed about the future slaughter. over all i think you only need to improve in a couple ways. You should give more clues as to the time period, they used swords as a primary weapon inmost part from the bronze age to the rennesance (spelt wrong). and you should also describe the gaurds equipment to give more detail about the enemy the bane faces. Are they well armed? What kind of armor do they wear? Are they well trained?
Hullo young Newbie, you intrigue me.
There is some definite promise in your writing, dying to see what this place does to you.
I like your verbs, you have sexy verbs, you obviously have found out that they're more vivid than adjectives and it really works here. Some other sense imagery could support your work here, some smell, some touch, you have the sound and the sight covered.
Didn't like this paragraph as much. The phrase 'tattered rags' is a bit of a cliché. What are the rags like? Illfitting, perhaps, torn, mangy, rotted, rank, how do they hang, how do they smell? Do the children seem almost animal in them? 'they called "homes"' falls a little flat. I like the reed instrument, I like the dog.
Good observation. Good characterisation. Your description of action is clear and accurate. It works for you.
This line of dialogue didn't flow so naturally as it could have, it's a little bit stagey, a little bit playing to the gallery. You don't need to point things out to your audience, we'll pick up on your orientation and jargon so long as you describe what you experience, which you are quite good at, so no sweat.
Your hero's a little formulaic, but I have faith in your wit that you will do something special with him.
There are Holocaust allusions here, the ethnic cleansing, do you study Modern History at all? In terms of influences, I saw Charles Dickens to some extent and Margaret Atwood. You have you temporal allusions in line with fantasy convention, the cloaks, the swords, but there's also a kind of post-apocalyptic feel in some way, in your dystopia.
Eager to see where you're taking this.
Very interesting! Your writing style and voice fit the story nicely. I just have one question, why would the guards be patrolling the slums if they were going to be "clearing them out" soon anyway? Were they there to protect the people from each other or make sure they weren't getting into trouble?
Anyhoo, Merry Christmas,
Rev
Did you mean Tunic?
Otherwise it was pretty good considering the size. The descriptions used gave me a sense of the atmosphere in what seems to be a dark and gloomy place. It shows potential if more work is done but I don't think it would be to my liking. For some reason it seems share a similar style as Robert Jordon's Wheel Of Time Series, which were never my cup of tea, or the Deltora Quest series. Keep on writing!
Happy Holidays,
-Elitehusky
more to come! please leave a reply