The Fires of My Fury
You broke my heart,
I
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Hey Sc0rpiA93,
This is a very overly-used theme. By any means it is not any less important, but to deliver it the writer must be able to use originality. And I'm afraid this poem is lacking.
But don't be discouraged. I agree with Mad about this line, 'As the fires of my fury skate across your memories' and this is enough to show yourself that you can stretch your mind beyond what is best described as the usual dribble.
Don't tell the reader how you felt, what you saw, what you are - show them.
It's all about showing the reader and getting their attention, and being able to hold it there.
Please feel free to PM me if you have any questions; I will be happy to help.
Keep writing and work on originality.
Good luck and all the best with your work,
Ink
Considering that you are attempting to write upon a very written topic you really need to spend a greater amount of time considering the various pitfalls associated with those topics, namely cliched descriptions - also something distinguishable.
What you have here is a poem entitled, "The Fires of my Fury" - very Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
First stanza is a simple retelling of emotion, with a few lines of unoriginal imagery, there isn't anything that stands out.
A little more emotive here and just as I began to get hopeful that there would be some sort of vivid, memorable description it tails of, "by hurting me". Of course the gash was caused by hurting someone, it's like saying water let's me live by being drunk.
The rhyme wasn't too bad - but I think that there should be some sort of rhythm accompanying the lines, the stanzas broken.
Not much I can say about that. Skating image was good, the best of the poem.
I really think that you need to take some time read over this and come up with some better images and a better way of narrating the piece - not a simple "I felt this, I felt this, This happened to me and I felt this".
Come up some imagery like the skating over memories, that's a flash of something better.
Imagine things such as, "evening is spread out against the sky,/ like a patient etherised upon a table" or descriptions similarly abstract.
Hey Scorpia - I posted some links for you in response to your question in the "What is Dramatic Poetry?" thread and I believe Suzanne also gave you a link in the Welcome forum. Sometimes as a new member it can be a little overwhelming, so I understand if you missed the rules. YWS wants you to do two critiques before posting your own work--and I understand if you're not really sure how to do that, but it's not so hard, trust me!--so get cracking! Again, if you're having some difficulty please private message a mentor or a Greeter. They're here to help out.