This is a vignette i wrote for my final, i am very proud of it so i thought i'd share.
I was sitting on the floor listening to a song called give a little more. I specifically remember this because this is the day things came in perspective to me.
give a little more, take a little less played through my head like a broken record. The hook spoke to me. i always here people saying if you make someone happy you will be happy as well. You get what you give.
give a little more, i tend to always receive things from people. Clothes, phones, t.v's, money, even little things like a pair of earphones. I'm dependent, although i don't like to be.
take a little less, the truths gonna find you if you don't confess. Fight a little harder, dig a little deeper. Can anyone hear what i'm saying? played through my ears.
i remember seeing a group of students across the courtyard and wondering if they worry about the problems today or if ignorance has already consumed them, but ignorance can be beautiful. Knowing nothing of the cruel world. At times I wish I was that person who knew of nothing because the knowledge that i have today has made me angry, disappointed and lonely because I yearn for a better tomorrow. I yearn for the happiness I know will not come easy. I disappoint myself when i cant change the wrong in the world and i hate it when people don't recognize or care for it.
805 million people in the world do not have enough to eat and every 10 seconds a child dies from hunger related diseases. There are too many people who don't care or contribute to things like this. Man has filled our hearts with greed and selfishness, to the point we don't see human beings as human beings anymore. We don't show love to one another, we don't respect each other because we don't know them."Why should i respect them?" I've heard several times. Ill tell you why, because everyone is going through their own battles everyday, even if they aren't as bad as yours. Respect all, fear none.
Now a days you cant even compliment someone without them making an outrageous assumption . If someone believes in spreading love, they're a hippy. If someone wears black all the time they're emo or goth. If someone is unbelievably smart, they're a nerd. If your black your ghetto and if your white you have it easy, Mexicans steal all the jobs. Color is just a name. What happened to individuality? You don't like someone because of how they think or what they believe? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. It's sad to say that we depend on religion to know morals.
Will it ever change? love is like a fruit, in season at all times and within the reach of every hand. Anyone may gather it and no limit is set. When will we grab that fruit?
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138,001 Literary Works • 672,071 Reviews
Hello there! cleverclogs here for a...
Grammar-wise, though, there's a lot of issues.
This is a great sentiment. I can relate to it so much. It really states the feelings that I have trouble putting words to. Content-wise, there's not much more you can do to improve because it's awesome.
I know that a lot of times, especially in poetry, lack of capitalization can be a stylistic choice. I'm not sure if that's what you were going for here, or if you just made a lot of typos. You have a lot of "I"s that are not capitalized when they should be. There are also lots of sentences that do not start capitalized. An example of what I'm talking about it this:
"Give" should be capitalized, and so should "I". I'm thinking that mistakes like these were a transcription error, so it's no big deal. You can just run through and proofread them.
There's also a problem with comma splices. A comma splice happens when you use a comma to separate two independent clauses. To fix this, you can either add a conjunction or replace the comma with a semicolon or period. Here's an example of where you have a comma splice:
"We don't show love to one another" and "we don't respect each other because we don't know them" are both independent clauses, so you can't separate them with a comma. Either add the word "and" after the comma, replace the comma with a semicolon, or replace the comma with a period. I'm a fan of option 3 (the period).
Another thing is that you need to any lyrics that you're quoting from the song in quotes or italics, and credit the author(s) of the song. Otherwise, the plagiarism police are going to hunt you down in your home and throw you into a landfill. XD Well, maybe not, but it's not a good idea to leave things like song lyrics in a work uncredited.
I like how end the piece with a question. It gives the piece a nice rhetorical value. I'm really able to relate to this part here:
There are some things that I wish I didn't know because it keeps me up at night. This is totally true and you phrased it so well.
Overall, I love how dang true this piece is, but it could use some work in the grammar section. Thanks for sharing, and keep on writing!
Hello! I'm Lau, here to review!
First of all: welcome to YWS. It is great here, dont worry.
Second of all: Nicely done, I love the idea and I think its a great subject.
Third of all: this is very normal, I had this problem too on my first story I wrote for YWS, but you should capitalize your I's.
Fourth of all:
"If your black your ghetto". Just add a little comma in between black and you're, also, it should be you're, not your. It's a normal mistake, so don't worry about it.
"and if your white you have it easy" the same simple mistakes, came here.
Anyway, this was great! Keep on the good work and never stop writing.
-Lau.
Good job! This is really well done, keep it up!
Never stop writing!
XxX
nice I like it
Thanks!