Zephyr Chapter 1-2

Hey there! AllyGrLxOx is here for a review!(:
I just want to begin with saying that anything I say is only to try and better your writing and your style!

You definitely have potential for a great plot and some good character development, however I really did find it hard to get through this chapter. It might have something to do with poor spacing and lack of decent paragraphs but I also believe that you're writing in the wrong POV. I believe that it would be to your advantage if you wrote it in first person, that way you could explain what she was doing and not bore the reader with "Zephyr did this, she said that, she hates this."

You also need to slow down and better the flow of the story! As a reader we want to feel the emotion that your characters feel, so I would recommend slowing down the story and drawing out some of your details.
Another suggestion would be to edit and review the beginning to help draw the reader's in.

Well that's about it!

Keep writing because you have plenty of potential!

PM me with any questions(:

It's an OK story. When I started reading it, I saw you said 'Zephyr said, zephyr did this'. That gets really ANNOYING. I would suggest saying 'I,' or 'She'. Good luck!
~MW

Nah, its ok. But you understand everything in the next chapter. I'm sorry if it wasn't clear enough...maybe if I put the third chapter things will become clearer.

I understand this was rushed but you should always read through your stories first i didn't understand what this was on about at all! i didn't get the story line the only but i got was a magic book or somethign like that (don't mean to be harsh)

Savanah wrote:A nanowrimo novel.

Please consider he fact that I wrote this super fast and I didn't review it yet.


Zephyr was always bored in school. (here you have put she was bored in school now she was in history, to make it more readable say Zephyr always got bored mostly in history and unluckily she had to be in that piculiar lesson) Now she was in history, the guy behind her eying (eying what does this mean??) her long red hair and the guy beside her, Zephyr’s green eyes and pale face (i didn't get this bit at all). She looked at the book next to her, it was so tempting, but she knew that she couldn’t do it,(add history to this bit, like Zephyr was tempted to jump into the book, you see she had this power that can make her jump into books or something) she had to wait until after school to do it.
“Zephyr? Where was the cold war fought?” The teacher asked.
Zephyr lifted her head lazily and answered:
“Alaska?”
The whole class started to laugh.
Zephyr usually had a 61 average in school, (i would say take this bit out you don't need the 61 average just makes it sound boring) but she didn’t care. And her parents didn’t either. Sylvia, Zephyr’s little sister was by far their favourite. While they read her story after story, they would sign any school document of paper without even looking at it. Zephyr liked it like that. If her parents cared, it would be too hard for her to explain why she disappeared all the time. Of course all the kids’ spider club knew. Zephyr honestly had no idea why it was called that. The founder probably did ini mini miny mo with all the words in the dictionary and got spider.
Zephyr looked around the classroom, eyes stopping on the world map than looking at the blackboard.
I’m bored, I’m bored, I’m bored, she thought.
“Hey mister?” She said raising her hand.
“Yes Zephyr.” He said with an overly patient tone.
“Was the cold war fought with liquid nitrogen, I heard that stuff is really cold.”
“No Zephyr, now stop bothering the class or I’ll throw you out.”
“Oh I would like that very much.”
“Fine, out you go, and if you don’t go to the principal’s office this time, you’re going to see me in detention.”
Zephyr smiled, then took the bus home. (Jumps WAY too fast she was in class one miunet now at home do a new paragraph for add somemore to it) She was now looking through her sister’s room, trying to find the earphones she “borrowed”.
“Come out, come out, where ever you are.” She said. (what is she looking for)
At that moment, she heard footsteps.
“Aw crap,” she whispered to herself, “mom can’t see me in Silvia’s room.”
She looked around the room for a safe hiding place, meanwhile, the footsteps were getting closer.
“Shit.”
Zephyr opened her sister’s closet. She was four and a girl, so obviously, a bunch of stuffed animals and barbies fell out. Cursing, Zephyr rummaged through them as her mom walked closer to the room, and found a book.
“Yes!” She murmured.
She opened it fast and said.
“On this day, I wish to go, in this book.”
Light flashed everywhere for not even a second before her mom walked in, but Zephyr was gone. 


(didn't understand what had happened) Zephyr walked into the castle, walls painted pink, chandeliers hanging from the ceiling, young girls dressed in pink dressed full of froufrou passing by. She made a disgusted face.
“What is with this book and pink, and why did I walk right into a kid’s princess book!” She muttered to herself.
Now people were staring at her with curiosity.
“What? You never saw jeans before?”
The pink dressed girls stepped away as if they were scared and started to mutter again. Sheash! She thought. She continued to walk, going farther and farther into the disgustingly pink castle. She knew she would have to stay here for a while, returning to the real world before spending a certain amount of time in the story can be dangerous.
As she walked under a doorway into another room where she hoped to hide until she could go home, she heard footsteps. She turned to see a knight in shining armour.
“Honestly, I had to get stuck in a fairy tale?” She said aloud.
“I do not know of what you speak, but the ladies in this castle would appreciate that you leave.” The knight said.
“Yah depends what’s out there. Is there like a dragon waiting to chew me to bits?”
“I was going to add that I suggested we give you a room for the night.”
She looked at her watch. I’ve been here... ten minutes, another 50 to go.
“Yah, I guess.”
The night led her up marble stairs, to room half filled by the gigantic bead that was probably bigger than a king size.
“Okay, thanks, bye bye.” She said before pushing the king out of the room and closing the dor in his face, leaving him with a puzzled expression.
Now that the door was closed, zephyr could do what always made things clear in her mind.
“I hate my sister. If I didn’t have a sister, I wouldn’t be stuck in a freaking princess story. I wonder what the story is. Some girl probably lost a glass shoe or something. Now if my body dies now, I’ll be stuck here forever!”
She went and sat on the bed. It had one of those things on the tope that made it kind of like a tent. She settled for staring at her watch. Tick, tack, tick, tack.
“Well, may as well have some fun.”
She stepped out into the corridor and walked around until she found something interesting. It was a door. It was probably the only door that wasn’t pink. Actually, it was black and painted red with weird symbols everywhere. She entered not knowing what to expect. She found thousands of viles filled with all sort of different colour liquids. She also found pots with things in them like yes, and what seemed to be hearts. If Zephyr hadn’t seen all sorts of other awful stuff she would be disgusted, but instead she looked at them with curiosity.
“You liiike it.” Said an old sounding voice. (who's talking?? not getting it)
“Not particularly. I just walked in.” Zephyr said.
“Weeell. You don’t seem like your frooom here.” She continued analysing Zephyre’s physical appearance.
“Yah, well not really,” she looked at her watch, “But I’ll be gone in thirty minutes.”
“Sooo, can I show some thiiings during that time?”
“Fine go ahead. Show as much as you like.”
Um, that sounded wrong, she thought.
(should of told us that at the start of the new chapter) The old woman had long gray hair descending in her back and her face was greenish, covered in warts. The usual image of a witch.
The witch went and reached for the shelves, bringing down several post and viles, filled with assorted stuff.
“Heeeere, I will show you the perfect loooove potion.”
“Great.” Zephyr said in her best “I don’t give a crap” voice.
“Roooosamond leaf, gobber, heilor nut, pixi dust, raven poooowder, maiden’s finger, and heart. These are the ingredients neeeded.”
“Great person, now how do ya make it.”
The witch took the ingredients, this vile full of a disgusting looking brown liquid and pored it into a crystal bowl. Then she put a few dry leaves in it then she put a finger in another bowl and squashed it up until it had the consistence of apple sauce, and she put it with the rest. She put in all the other ingredients, including a bit of the heart she took off with tweasers.
“Noooow, you see?” She said, mixing the liquid together.
The disgusting brown mush started to turn green and more liquid.
“Hmm, interesting.” Zephyr said.
“Heeere you go, princess, drink thins and the object of your heart’s desiiiiire will fall madly in love with you.” The witch said.
“Ha! What are you crazy? All fairy tales have a hidden moral, and this one’s probably don’t trust strangers. You probably expected me to come in and be all,” She took a high pitched voice, “ooh, magic made with a bunch of weird ingredients, please show me! Oh so if I drink it, the prince will fall in love with me? Okay then, I’ll drink it!” she took her normal voice, “Sorry, I’m not some stupid little princess you can trick, what were you going to do, turn me into a toad.”
She started laughing, until the door opened.
“You!” The knight said. “You were accomplice to the witch this whole time!” He seems shocked.
“Nah not really, I just walked in and...”
“Enough of this! Guards!”
Zephyr noticed the two guys next to the knight. They grabbed her by the arms.
“Take that thing! It could be a spell!” He said.
The guard did as he was told and then started to drag her, they dragged her down stairs, corridors, until they arrived in a cold, dark room. They opened the door to what seemed to be a cell and they tossed her in.
“Aw, come on, now my clothes are going to be all smelly when I get home.”
They locked the door and leaved her in there.
She looked inside. She wanted to go home but she remembered what her teacher at spider club said.
It was a day she had skipped school to go to spider club, and her teacher was giving her another lecture about going home before an hour spent in the story.
“People who come back before the hour are known to die, go into a comma, or just simply stay stuck in the story. You’re lucky if you get out fine. And you’re also lucky if you get stuck and someone can come get you. That’s why you should always let someone know where you going. But there is also one more thing, and that is where you’ve been in the story for about forty minutes, and also if you’re lucky, you come back, but you lose your powers.”
Thinking of that, Zephyr cursed. She was lying on hay, and she could count about twenty ants with her in her cell. It was cold, and she was only wearing a t-shirt. She put her hand to the cold stone wall and felt indentations, like the kind you make to count the number of days you’ve been somewhere. The up side was, there was no pink in sight.
“I’ll try to sleep, and when I wake up, I’ll go home.”
Zephyr had slept in worse places, she should be fine here. She killed as many ants as possible then lay on her back and closed her eyes.
  i'm sorry i couldn't read any more you should try and get it more clear again don't mean to be harsh just make a few adjustments and you can PM if you want when you have done it