Hey! Sky again I saw this up as well and figured why not keep going? Again, suggestions.
We must be less than 800 standard meters away from them.
"Standard" seems pretty unnecessary there.
“Yes sir.”
Yes comma sir.
“Oh no” I think to myself as my universe spins round and round, I had forgotten that all the shield power had been diverted to the front, leaving the back part completely unprotected to the explosion.
Comma after no in the quotations, and a period instead of a comma after round.
“30 minutes and she'll be good to go, you should scan the debris for any useful wreckage while you wait.”
Period instead of a comma.
All repairs are done, and the new laser's functioning without a hitch.
"The new laser is functioning" instead.
He finally speaks. “It's my father, sir. A report came in over Federation channels. He...he died in a recent battle with the rebel fleet, down in quadrant A-221.
You forgot the second quotation mark.
I remember Sargon's father from when I visited his family home a few years ago, an ace pilot who loved nothing more to spends hours flying in a small rent shuttle with his son.
I feel like you meant "an ace pilot who loved nothing more than to spend hours flying in a small..."
I'm amazed on how strong Sargon is, with how much courage he must have not to break down.
"I'm amazed at how strong..." instead.
“I know what. We haven't named this cruiser, so I think you should name her.”
"You know what?" instead... maybe?
“Sounds good to me, and I'm sure 'Beks will be love it too.”
"will love it too." The be isn't really needed.
So from going and reading the first chapter to jumping right into this second one, I realized that it went pretty fast. They are already in a war? When and how did that happen? Maybe give a little more back story before you jump right into the action. I'll comment it again for this chapter, but write out your numbers. Thirty, not 30. It is just a formality... not a huge deal. Also, quick suggestion, they are soldiers. Maybe use military time or a different time reference than just thirty minutes. Another formality, "gonna". Spell out the right words, "Going to" instead. My last complaint is where this chapter ended. I feel like maybe a couple of more lines to completely tie everything in this chapter together would have been nice. Maybe he looks into the galaxy and they stand in silence, honoring his father's memory? Again, just a suggestion.
I really like this story. The father part was very emotional and pretty unexpected, but he wasn't mentioned before. Maybe if we knew the connection they had, it would be better. Anyway, again, great story. Keep writing! I hope this review is helpful
~Sky
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