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Young Writers Society



The FTL Chronicles - Chapter 2

by Sathalha


Whose stupid idea was it to fight the Rebel scout?

Oh right, it was mine.

“Major damage to the shield systems captain, we can't take much more!” Sargon shouts over the intercom.

“Rebekkah, I need a report on our weapons systems right now.”

“Intact and firing with everything we've got, sir, their engines are down.”

“Good, keep it like that. Sargon, relay all shield power to the front of the ship and hope like hell they don't notice it.”

I grab the control sticks and yank hard to the left, coming around to face the enemy ship head on. We must be less than 800 standard meters away from them.

This is gonna be a close one.

“Commander Flynt, fire all port-side weapons on my mark.”

“Yes sir.”

I throttle up the impulse engines, bringing us closer and closer to to the Rebel scout with every second.

Boom. A laser crashes into our forward plating, but the shields hold up.

Come on, almost there.

Closer.

Closer...

“Now!” I shout as I give a final burst of energy into the engines and fly past the enemy. A firework erupts to the left of me as the other ship is filled with missiles and explodes into millions of tiny fragments, taking it's crew with it. Suddenly the ship shakes and careens off to the right, spinning out of control as the engines fail.

Oh no” I think to myself as my universe spins round and round, I had forgotten that all the shield power had been diverted to the front, leaving the back part completely unprotected to the explosion. A major mistake for a captain, and if Rebekkah or Sargon are hurt, I'll never be able to forgive myself.

“Situation report, now!” I frantically yell into the speaker.

For a moment, silence, then both of their voices come onto the speaker, confirming their well-being.

“That was quite a hit, Cap'n, you sure know how to mess up a girl's world.” Rebekkah answers.

“Our engine systems have taken some minor damage and had to be shutdown sir, but nothing I can't fix.”

“How long?” I reply to Sargon.

“30 minutes and she'll be good to go, you should scan the debris for any useful wreckage while you wait.”

“Good idea, Rebekkah, get the exo-suits ready.”

I have to stay strong, because if I don't, countless numbers of different species will die, just because they support the Federation.

But can I?”

I calm down as I start the scanner and wait for a reply on useful materials.

What I get makes my day.

“A weapon? A completely intact laser? You gotta be kidding me, Cap'n! This is my birthday come early! And I have the perfect place to install it too!” She sounds like she just got the best present in the galaxy.

45 minutes later and everything is set to go. All repairs are done, and the new laser's functioning without a hitch. Rebekkah and I are just testing it on some rocks in a nearby planet's asteroid belt when Sargon comes in.

“Captain Reinhardt, may I have a minute?”

“Sure, lets step outside.” I leave my weapons officer to her fun and walk out into the corridor with Sargon.

“What's wrong?” I ask. He seems hesitant, so I also stand there, unsure of what to do. What's a captain supposed to do in a situation like this anyway? Do they have a psychic sense of knowing what's wrong with their crew members?

He finally speaks. “It's my father, sir. A report came in over Federation channels. He...he died in a recent battle with the rebel fleet, down in quadrant A-221.

This shocks me. You always know people are going to die in war, but you never really expect it to happen to anyone you know. I remember Sargon's father from when I visited his family home a few years ago, an ace pilot who loved nothing more to spends hours flying in a small rent shuttle with his son.

“I'm...so sorry. He was an amazing man. I respected him.”

He looks up to me with tears in his eyes. “We all have our missions to accomplish, and he died while fulfilling his, I'm proud to be his son.”

I'm amazed on how strong Sargon is, with how much courage he must have not to break down. But we can't, not while we have this task to fulfill.

“I know what. We haven't named this cruiser, so I think you should name her.”

He blinks in surprise. “Well... how about 'Saviour'? To reflect our mission.”

Saviour. That's a nice name for a ship. “Sounds good to me, and I'm sure 'Beks will be love it too.”

Saviour.

I like the sound of that. It gives me hope.


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81 Reviews


Points: 2620
Reviews: 81

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Sun Mar 26, 2017 2:06 pm
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skylnn00writes wrote a review...



Hey! Sky again :P I saw this up as well and figured why not keep going? Again, suggestions.


We must be less than 800 standard meters away from them.

"Standard" seems pretty unnecessary there.

“Yes sir.”

Yes comma sir.

“Oh no” I think to myself as my universe spins round and round, I had forgotten that all the shield power had been diverted to the front, leaving the back part completely unprotected to the explosion.

Comma after no in the quotations, and a period instead of a comma after round.

“30 minutes and she'll be good to go, you should scan the debris for any useful wreckage while you wait.”

Period instead of a comma.


All repairs are done, and the new laser's functioning without a hitch.

"The new laser is functioning" instead.

He finally speaks. “It's my father, sir. A report came in over Federation channels. He...he died in a recent battle with the rebel fleet, down in quadrant A-221.

You forgot the second quotation mark.

I remember Sargon's father from when I visited his family home a few years ago, an ace pilot who loved nothing more to spends hours flying in a small rent shuttle with his son.

I feel like you meant "an ace pilot who loved nothing more than to spend hours flying in a small..."

I'm amazed on how strong Sargon is, with how much courage he must have not to break down.

"I'm amazed at how strong..." instead.

“I know what. We haven't named this cruiser, so I think you should name her.”

"You know what?" instead... maybe?

“Sounds good to me, and I'm sure 'Beks will be love it too.”

"will love it too." The be isn't really needed.

So from going and reading the first chapter to jumping right into this second one, I realized that it went pretty fast. They are already in a war? When and how did that happen? Maybe give a little more back story before you jump right into the action. I'll comment it again for this chapter, but write out your numbers. Thirty, not 30. It is just a formality... not a huge deal. Also, quick suggestion, they are soldiers. Maybe use military time or a different time reference than just thirty minutes. Another formality, "gonna". Spell out the right words, "Going to" instead. My last complaint is where this chapter ended. I feel like maybe a couple of more lines to completely tie everything in this chapter together would have been nice. Maybe he looks into the galaxy and they stand in silence, honoring his father's memory? Again, just a suggestion.

I really like this story. The father part was very emotional and pretty unexpected, but he wasn't mentioned before. Maybe if we knew the connection they had, it would be better. Anyway, again, great story. Keep writing! I hope this review is helpful :smt001

~Sky




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Sat Mar 11, 2017 10:05 pm
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Zebobez wrote a review...



The action scene at the beginning was poorly written, but it got the message across and I don't think it was a failure as much as it was a good practice test. When writing action scenes, you have to keep in mind every element that is occurring at once, not just what your character sees. I think your problem here was that you focused too much on what your character thought and saw, and because there was a lens over the action everything was confusing. Even though it may not be realistic for a storyteller to regale every little detail about their situation and their enemy's movement, it makes for better reading and a better-flowing action sequence. Writing action sequences in first person is hard, because you're tempted to just write down what they see, the main character, that is. This scene could be improved, and your whole story as well, by the simple addition of a more omniscient narration style. That is to say, tell us more about what's happening and don't just relate exactly what your main character is seeing and feeling.

Here's an example. Don't relate beats of an action scene through dialog only, which is what you did during the opening of this chapter. Try showing what's happening to the reader, instead of making them guess as to the events through the characters' dialog. That's just one way I can think of to fix this passage, but there are plenty of other fixes in the same vein.

Otherwise, this story has a good style and I like the characters because they are relateable and quite likable. You'd do good to keep going with what you have.

And if I sound patronizing to you, I don't mean to be, I just wanted to relay some advice instead of just saying "It doesn't work."




Sathalha says...


Thanks for the advice, It's really helpful.
I'll be checking over this and editing, and I'll take your suggestions into mind.
Thanks for being a great help.
Sathalha




Hail Hydra
— Stan Lee