Hello there! I see you're a pretty new member here on YWS? Great to read other people's works! I'll be reviewing your short story today.
Things to Potentially Fix
I noticed that your second paragraph is the lengthiest paragraph in the whole story. It seemed bunched full of information of the backstory of when the two characters met. I would suggest splitting it up into multiple paragraphs. Just because it is all taking place in the same general moment, about the same general scene, it's fine to split it up into several sections. Don't have the temptation to shove it all in one bulky paragraph!
Along with that, I think you should move that (second) paragraph to the very beginning. Since it's kind of a flashback restating what happened in the past, I think it's reasonable to have it first thing in your story. Then you can have all of the other paragraphs below that, emphasizing what had happened.
Near the starting of your story, there were scattered pieces of information that really only belonged in one single paragraph, but was actually in several. Make sure the information harmonizes together with everything else; don't confuse the reader. The sentences were beautiful, but at the beginning the confusion struck me when everything seemed out of place. The writing was wonderful, but reread the first paragraph and switch up sentences, along with the beginning of the second paragraph.
Good Points
The ending. Loved it. Simple yet sweet. It wasn't too elaborate, meaning a reader can interpret what might happen in the future.
Not to mention, the metaphors! They were everywhere, scattered throughout the story like diamonds in dust, and they made this short sparkle more with them. My favorite, for example, was:
...and now a cocoon of pure white ice is wrapped around your body.
Wonderful. It gets the idea across rather than simply stating what is going on/went on. It carried through to the imagery, too, and made it more descriptive in image than before.
Thank you for sharing this story! It was quite lovely and I'd love to see more from you. Though this may have been a short and small review, I hoped it helped you a lot (or at least a little). Thanks again!
~Sunset <3
Points: 6214
Reviews: 128
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