Young Writers Society

Hi, Sassy!

This was a beautiful piece. You have such a way with words. Your vocabulary is beautiful and effective. Very well done!

I don't usually do nitpicks, but a couple I found:

I don’t have wings to sing me away
I don’t know how I’ll stay okay today

I don't really like the assonance in the second line here. It felt like a jab to the gut. "Hey! Hey, person! I'm going to rhyme with the previous line, okay? Okay?! Do you see?! I rhymed!" I'd probably get rid of "today," but either one will work! Then again, maybe it sounds fine to you/others.

Only a halo can rescue me now
A sweet angel to bless me before I drown

An angel to bless you before you drown? D: Silly, speaker! That doesn't make sense. It's not really what they're asking for at all! More like someone to save them from drowning. Not a blessing before the drowning.

Where are the angels to sing my joy this day
To sing Hallelujah in your name, your name
I’ve got hope for tomorrow and hope for today
And on my healing heart and healing dreams I’m flying away

I really liked the first half of this stanza! It flowed so well. The last line, however, felt weird with repeating "healing" like you did. I'd probably consider rewording/rewriting this one.

I think the one thing that really jumped out at me is the last stanza. I think that could make something of an interesting chorus line? It felt very out of place compared with the rest of the song's structure. Consistency is lovely, and I do love my consistency lykwoah. So yeah. Referencing that parallelism somewhere, or perhaps delve more into who the speaker loves / what makes them free. Tie it in better with the song! I absolutely adore it when songs tie together.

I wish more metaphor could be used. Especially the music one. There was a line about being a drum. Well, angels are many times seen with instruments or music. I think that's a technique you could consider using. It's really cool, and I loved that drum line you had in the beginning.

I like how you transitioned from deep sorrow to heavenly relief. It's really very beautiful, and I can't really fully express how beautiful this sounds. Such a lovely job. Many kudos!

I liked this. And actually, I'm totes going to remember the like button. Well done, Kat! I can't wait to read more of your work.

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!