Young Writers Society

Hey there! joallover here for a review on this wonderful Review Day for team Mazarine Marauders!
So I have a few things to say about this.
It is well written, I find nothing I need to point out. I just want to talk about the content.
Reading this, I honestly thought it sounded like an abusive relationship. I, myself, am a religious girl. I love God with my whole heart. I just don't believe that is the way to describe such a love.
"I'll remain completely devoted while he can come and go as he sees fit."
"If we disagree it is always my fault and completely up to me to fix it."
"If I am angry, I am a sinner and must repent. "
These are three examples that I believe could be better said so they don't sound like the guy is a jerk and the girl is an overachiever.
I believe that God doesn't "come and go as he seems fit." He is ALWAYS with us, he never leaves.
I believe that disagreeing with God is a normal part of living. When he closes a window to open a door we don't know exists, disagreeing is the exact path we take to discover that door.
I believe that being angry does not make you a "sinner and must repent." We are always sinners, but it is forgiven if we admit them and ask for forgiveness. Sin is far greater than anger.
You get my point, hopefully, I've tried to make with those three examples. You're on the right track, just, it could be written a bit less...rough.
Like I said, it is wonderfully written, I just believe that some of your points could be better expressed.
Peace Love and Fahrvergnugen!
-joallover

So at first I thought this was about an abusive relationship, then I thought this was about a highly religious believer's relationship with God, and then with the "babe" at the end I thought it was about any abusive relationship again...so based on your description being "a vague comparison between two different relationships," I'd say probably it's both, yes?

I love the ambiguity of it--it makes the piece very powerful, and different people can extract very different meanings.

My only real suggestion would be--if you want to make it entirely ambiguous, or more ambiguous, or less confusing, maybe--would be to cut the last two lines that come before the very last line. Because you already got both the abuser and God points across without the more obvious two lines about "a living, loving, almighty God" and "babe," so I feel like those lines detract from the rest. They kind of pound it into our heads, like "THIS IS WHAT THE POEM IS ABOUT."

(Well, poem or whatever it is, as it lacks most of the usual poetic elements and you classified it as "other.")

And then because your title is the same as the last line, I would even say you could do away with the last line, so the poem ends on the line "Nothing."

(I'm just going to keep calling it a poem because that's easier.)

So those are my suggestions for you. This was really interesting.

Blue

Hello there! My name is Ella, and I am here to review your narrative lyrical piece on this lovely review day!

Let us get down to business. So, this seems like a pretty serious narrative. At first the narrative is a little hard to make out, but nearing the end, it's clear that this is on the subject of relationship abuse. All right, now, here's what I love about your narrative. Even though the lines varied in length and syllable count, it flows extremely well together. I could hug this narrative! Nevertheless, there are some flaws to the piece. Per example, always using a period or a question mark at the end of every sentence makes it quite bland. Maybe you could spice it up a little with some exclamation marks?

Hope to read one of your works again! Peace!

~EllaBliss

Fahrvergnugen!