Just a little something I wrote down. Most of this is mostly based on what happened yesterday between my little sister and me. I haven't really written any scripts before and I do want to know the correct way to go about writing them.
Sharice is in the bathroom, trying to figure out how to get the green dye out of her hair before her mum gets home. The door is open and she can see Kielan in the room with the photo album open in front of her. The bathroom and her mom's room are connected. There is a King size bed against the far wall, a dresser off to the side of it with a TV on it, a clothes vanity and a computer desk. Kielan is six and Sharice is fifteen. Kielan has uncombed dark brown hair and dark brown eyes. She's wearing a pink shirt with a pair of too small shorts. Sharice's recently cut black hair is lazily combed and her bang has a giant, thick, bright strip of green in it. She's wearing Spongebob pajama pants and a Invader Zim t-shirt.
Setting: Mom's room, Afternoon.
Sharice: (Pacing back and forth in front of the full length bathroom mirror) Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!
Kielan: (looks up from the photo album) Ooo, Reise! You said a bad word, I'm gonna tell Mu-
Sharice: Shut the hell up, Kielan!
Kielan: (frowns and looks down at the album) There me, and there's Reise! (In a dull monotone) There's Stupid Raven, and that's Ugly Moe. (Flips page.)
Sharice: (Pulls at the green lock of her hair) Maybe if I put the black leather polish in my hair it will change back to black... (Searches through the cabinets and mumbles quietly. Grabs leather polish before going back up to the sinks and mixing the leather polish with shampoo and putting the mixture in her hair. Nods and walks into Mom's room and sits down next to Kielan.)
Kielan: (Rocks from side to side) Oh there's Reise and Mumma! (Flips page) Ooo, it's Mumma and Reise! (Flips page and frowns) Reise and Mum... (Flips page again and scowls) Ree and Mum... (Flips page again before turning to glare at Sharice)
Sharice: (Looks up at her and raises and eyebrow) What?
Kielan: You're hurting my feelings.
Sharice: Whaaa?
Kielan: You took all the Mumma pictures.
Sharice: (Rolls eyes and flips the page a few times)
Kielan: (In a dull monotone) Ugly Moe...Stupid Raven. (Eyes get wide and she rapidly flails her fingers at the photo page) Reise! Ree! You! (Turns and grabs Sharice by the front of her shirt.) That's you?!
Sharice: (Looks at the page and nods) Yes, that's me.
Kielan: (Bursts out in loud laughs)
Sharice: (Frowns and looks at the page) What?
Kielan: You were so fat!
Sharice: (Stares blankly at her until she turns the page)
Kielan: (Recovers and points at the pictures) There's you, Mumma.... (Glares) Stupid Raven...Ugly Moe...
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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Hello, now when i first looked through this the description caught my eye. you have alot in there that is just very rendom and has nothing to do with your story. if you really want it in there then i would recommend that you put it in as what your characters see and i would pitch the begining description. this way it makes your characters more self aware and it saves your readers the time from reading a long description that has nothing to do with the story. sorry to be so blunt but im just giving my honest opinion. i hope that this helps and i encouraghe you to write alot more in the future. this was very entertaining to read and i had a good laugh.
Keep it up!
Porter
P.S. if you have any questions for me then feel free to Private Message me anytime
Hello, ReisePiecey!
Is this true? If so, your little sister is hilarious! They only problem I have if they way you make Kielan say "momma". I guess it can be brushed of as slang. I guess it is, she is only six after all. Well, this was fun and cute to read, and that's really all I have to say.
~Loveless