This story, or introduction to the story, was actually quite well written. It flowed nicely (excuse the water pun!) and caught my attention. I understand that it was a kind of spur of the moment midnight idea, and we all have those! Most of my ideas are actually that. But no matter how spur of the moment it is, you can always beef it up and improve it later. My main beef with this piece was the lack of detail. You need some serious descriptions and detail! I'm interested in his family and why he is leaving them. You could very much go more in depth there. Does he have sisters or brothers? What about his parents. You mention them briefly and how he wanted to leave them but you kind of leave the reader hanging when the main character is about to embark on an adventure with seemingly no purpose for doing so. I understand that sometimes you dont want to reveal anything and everything in the very first section but it helps to throw your reader even just a little bone so they can infer a little. You don't need to be screamingly obvious either, just some subtle descriptive information.
Also the antagonists in this piece are painfully vague. You mention them once or twice and I, as a reader, want to know more. Like even who they are and what they do. Possibly they are humans and those are the enemy that they have been warned about. Or maybe another tribe of enemy mermaids. Now for some nitpicks!
Okay this sentence is like, super super long. I think you could break it up a little more and have it be a little less run on and a little less confusing. Maybe if it was broken up a little more like this?He'd no recollection of how long he'd been traveling, no way of measuring time save the growling of his stomach, and no real care in confirming how long he'd been away from the small amount of “family” that still cared for him, or how close the hateful ones were to finding him.
"He'd no recollection of how long he'd been traveling, no way of measuring time save the growling of his stomach. Bowen had no real care for how long he had been away from the small "family" that still cared for him. And he didn't know how close the hateful ones were to finding him." It doesn't have to be exactly that but just a suggestion on how to break up this mega sentence!
Knowing, he discovered, caused far much more trouble than the ignorance his kind bathed in.
Okay so this sentence also read strangely to me. Maybe just getting rid of the entire "His kind bathed in" all together and just leaving it at ignorance.
This story does have some potential and you write really well! I just really wish there were more detail for me to provide feedback on. You should definitely continue with this story but just beef up this piece first and then work from that. Write some backstory or some history to him and his people. Figure out what kind of a relationship he has with his family and what they are like. I get a good sense of character in this narrative, he is obviously really determined and in a way optimistic. I get a sense of self from him and that is really good and usually the first area that needs work in the beginning of the story. I just think he would appear a little more "round" and believable if he had a more rounded world to exist in.
Like I said, this was just a sudden idea that came to me out of a sleep-deprived mind, and I didn't really continue with it past what you see posted. I have vague ideas for the whole community of, yes, mermaids, but nothing concrete. If I was to continue, I know a bit about the direction that the story would progress in.
Points: 3223
Reviews: 86
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