Published August 24, 2010
This is a really short introduction type of thing that I had a dream about last night. There will be lots more to come, but I want to know if my idea sounds interesting from the small passage that I'm offering. Please review! If anyone has any ideas as to where this is going, I'd love to hear them.
Introduction:
His name is Yerachmiel but I'm the only one who will ever know that. Everyone else, all the insignificants on the outside, know him as Jin. His friends, teachers, and even his adoptive family. I almost pity them knowing that they'll never see the real "Jin". His true colors can never be shown around those evolved primates. With their technology and government agents, I figured they'd be smart enough to realize the presence of Yera much more quickly. It's clear to me now that I've overestimated their so called advances in knowledge, but, even with their new discoveries in science, they're still the same insolent cavemen from so long ago. Too ignorant to notice God walking among us.
- - -
Like I said, this is terribly short, but I would still like to hear your comments and suggestions.
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Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayy...so this is definitely a pretty short thing to try and review...but I've reviewed shorter...xD Well, let's see what I can manage to decipher out of this one. For starters, I think you intended for this to be sort of a first paragraph to things here I think? Or I'd hope so anyway, because there really isn't much you can do with a random paragraph from a random point in the story.
At any rate, this paragraph reads sort of like the kind of beginning narration that you sometimes see at the start of a story, just establishing sort of the circumstances that this story is meant to take place. In that vein, I think you manage to do a pretty good job. Within the paragraph I see a decent balance between outright exposition and simply telling us what we need to know. There are enough mysterious parts to hook a reader in but not so much to be confusing.
From what I can see here, if this was the first paragraph of a story, I'd totally continue reading said story. This appears to be a pretty awesome premise here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Just reading it, I've already got hooked into it.
Writing a story about angels/god will amaze me a lot since there's been a lot of stories that involves... vampires .-. so I'm hoping that this will be an amazing story that will make me want to read it over and over... or just finish reading it. The way you use the grammars are really nice and it seems to fit just fine. I may not be a master when it comes to grammar but I AM a master when it comes to stories and your imagination.
Like wise, the first thing you want to do is to plan it all out, it's best to make an ending first and keep on moving the plot to that ending you would like to use. Remember to always re-read it since there might be a certain detail that you wrote and never wrote it again ( aka "about a certain friend in a dream" but then you never told us who it is ). When you're thinking about making the plot, be sure to think what would you do next after this certain detail so that you can make it a mystery and that people will want to read more to find out what is really going on here.
Rather than that, that was a really good introduction and it will surely be as great as the intro is. I'm planning on reading this 'till the end :]
Interesting! I do love a good angel and demon story! I agree, outlines can save your butt when you run out of ideas! Notebooks and powerpoints are what i use! if you want to hear more about my powerpoint mumbo jumbo, its in writing tips under HELPFUL HINTS. There are also alot of great tips on writing notebooks. Also, make sure to do alot of research, which I'm sure you have, theres just alot to learn about this topic.
My advice exactly is to write out a plan in which you want this story to go..
Other than that it seems nice, but as you know some dreams are fragments.
Well good luck, adieu..
CardDragon.
Hello, Reise.
I think the word 'but' would be better replaced with the word 'and'. It just seems better that way.Even though this is a really short passage, I do find myself wanting to read more. Even though I've no idea who's talking, I like your characters voice. Whoever they are, they seem to look down upon regular humans so I'm supposing that they are a follower of Yera. This was very good, but I do have one comment.
I'm hoping to see more of this story.
~Loveless
Nice, ReisePiecey. Considering how short this is, i suggest you use it as preface or something. I like how even though its short, its intriguing. it makes me want to read more.
Hey Reise!
I just thought I'd tell you that I LOVE angel stories. Especially when they take a new spin on the already heavily explored concept of angels, demons, and God. So far, it sounds like you are going in a new direction, so I want to encourage you to write more! Since you've only posted this small paragraph, I can't really get a good grasp of the story yet, or give you any pointers grammatically (which is my strongest area) but I like what I've seen thus far.
Keep writing!
Bailey