Well, I haven't written anything quite like this before so any and all criticism is welcome. I apologize if this is a little short; I promise that Chapter 1 will be longer.
Sasha
Prologue
We were halfway down the street when I realized that I had forgotten to brush my teeth.
“Damn it.”
Marcus threw me a quick glance.
“What?” he asked. I just shook my head. There was no way I was telling him, not when everything else was going according to plan. Aunt Suzie had left less than ten minutes ago, like she said she would. I had two hours until she came back…two hours with Marcus. My stomach did a little flip as I thought about what we were going to do. What I was going to do.
White houses lined both sides of the street. All we had to do was cut across one of the well-kept backyards and we would be at the boat docks.
“Third dock, last boat,” Marcus said, breaking the silence. I almost smiled at how shaky his voice sounded. At least I wasn’t the only who was nervous. Near the end of the street, we made a sharp right and cut through the backyard of a two story house. The docks looked ominous in the fading light of the day. I knew we would be in trouble if we got caught. No one was allowed on the docks after eight, but as Marcus and I neared the third dock, I started caring less about getting caught and more about what was about to happen.
After what seemed like eons, we reached the third dock and stepped onto the shaky platform. My throat went dry.
This is a mistake. What if you get pregnant? Turn back!
I dutifully ignored the thoughts racing through my head and willed myself to keep moving. Marcus had his hand on the small of my back, guiding me forward.
Tell him the truth!
I opened my mouth, trying to form the words that I wanted to say. But, what could I say? Panic began to build up in my chest. I couldn’t say anything. It was too late for that. We stopped in front of the last boat on the dock and Marcus pulled out a key from his pocket.
“Are you ready?” he asked.
My hands began to shake.
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141,250 Literary Works • 674,330 Reviews
I thought this was pretty good. The first line is the perfect opener to a story like this. I agree that cutting out the line about getting pregnant would be best. I thought you left a good amount of suspense. Now, to me, this feels like a rough copy. I say this because the events seemed a bit rushed. Maybe add a few paragraphs more.
Hey there!
Ok, so although people have gone over a lot, I'll give my thoughts on the whole thing.
People seem in two minds about this, but I like it. It's kind of quirky, funny and makes me want to read more; just to see why that's important!
We really don't get too much of Marcus in this. Perhaps here you could expand slightly, go on his body language. How he looks. You don't have to do it in this particualar point of the story - anywhere might do.
And bam! This is far to obvious. Use her body language to describe how she's feeling. I know this is cliche, but show don't tell!
Overall I really liked this as a start. The reader is left wanting to know what happens and so far it is well written!
Keep writing!
~Amy
'Ello!
I love this as an opening like. It almost made me laught, but being in a room full of students, I decided otherwise!
I only found one error to change:
Mkay, so here, since you ended his statement with a ?, you need to capitalize the H in he.
It should look like this: "What?" He asked.
and then continue on! Yay for you being good with grammar.
One more thing, don't appologise for this being 'too short'. I thought it was the perfect length and you ended it making me want to read more.
post more and PM me.
~Skip.
Hello, Sasha. I am Jayleigh..fairly new to the site. This is my first review. I hope it goes well. Off I go...
How did your narrator realize this? Did she run her tongue along her teeth? Did she just *poof* remember that she left the bathroom before brushing? A little more info for this, please? Oh, and would she be trying to figure out a way to hide it?
Would she straight up say this? Or would her tone be muffled/under her breath?
Where'd she go?
If they havent arrived at the docks yet, why would he say this? If he is trying to just break the silence...something more like "nice weather" would be more of what would go here. Obviously not the weather comment, but use your imagination for that.
Whoa. Not-so-sublte hint about what will/what she hopes to happen on that boat.
ooh. this is interesting. It's short and simple.
Your narrator angers me at times. When your are living in the moment, the fear of pregnancey usually doesnt come up until much later. Or never at all. I have no idea what age she is...so that confused me a little. And why did Marcus have a key to the boat? Does his family own it?
When did they plan this? Was it a plan to actually do..stuff...or was it to just hang out alone together and she just thought things were going to lead places? Hmm. I am very confused about this.
I'd definitly like to see more of this.
--Jayleigh
Hiya Sasha! I’m just gonna dig right in!
First off:
This is such a great opening line. I mean, it’s blunt and cute and sounds like one of those thought that pops into my head just as I’m stepping onto the bus in the morning.
Overalls:
Dialogue – Right now, there isn’t much here as far as dialogue goes but what you have is good. However, one thing you need to remember is that dialogue is one of the most important parts to developing both characters and plot.
Characters:
Narrator: So far, you’re giving us her feelings about what’s going on. But we don’t have any sense of what she feels for Marcus. And right now, in this situation, which is one I’ve been in several times I’m ashamed to admit, you don’t always have your thoughts focused on the dance steps. Sometimes you’re thinking about the person you’re with. Don’t forget what she’s feelings about Marcus.
Marcus: Okay, sure we aren’t in his head. But we need to know what he’s feeling. For this, you’ll need to use actions and facial expression. You did good when you mentioned that his voice was shaky. But is he chewing his lip, knotting his hands together, watching her?
Check out thunder_dude7’s article ‘Basic Character Development and Dialogue’ for some advice for working for both of these topics.
I hope this advice gives you an idea of things to improve upon in order to really develop a great prologue that moves in to an amazing first chapter! PM me if you have any questions.
~lilymoore
Hi (: OxfordandOnyx here to review, though please note this can only be an extremely quick review as I am off to bed soon!
I am not too keen on the opening line, it doesn't really flow well and lead into your story. It also doesn't draw me in. I sometimes find it hard to think of a great opening so in the mean time, I will use description to open my story and if I good idea later on, I go back to it!
This is more of a nit-pick but the word 'eons' seems out of place here. I would stick to a phrase that would blend in with the rest of your vocabulary.
Now, this line is a big giveaway as to what (I think!) these teens are up to. I think you should cut this out and leave much more subtle hints as to what is going to happen.
Overall, it was an interesting prolouge to your story and I am looking forward to the next chapter (if you post it up that is!). I could relate to your MC as you convey her emotions well.
Keep on writing!
PM me if you post any other chapters on here! (:
OxfordandOnyx