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142,214 Literary Works • 676,897 Reviews
It was a very interesting poem. I like how visual it was. And your conventions were good too.
However, there were some minor problems. It's flow was very bumpy and it dulled the beauty of the poem. I liked it thogh, just pay a little more attension to your format.
My rating:8/10
keep writing!
w&w
hello!
Ok one or two small things
First off Im sure you can think of a better way to say "I close my eyes" I realise that you have a rhyme scheme but try think of a move innovative way to say it
getting back to the rhyme scheme, you dont have a very clear one, my pesonal feelings towards rhyme schemes is that you should either go all out and have a definate one or leave it all together, because, to me anyway, it looks like you have a half rhyme scheme and it just ends up looking messy
Same with the capital letters, either have all your sentences starting with one or only after punctuation
I do like the poem, but if you just correct a few little mistakes and maybe throw in a few innovative words for more umph it could be much better!