"Mom! I am going in The Fun Garden of our society... "said I.
Mom replied, "Come before 4 o'clock, Peter! ... I will be making tea!".
"Yes mom!"
In The Fun Garden
I sat in the "Bird House" built on an artificial tree, and was lost in a tought...
It is impossible to do something which could enable me to see my dad as a kid of my age...
But... Nothing is impossible! Impossible can be made possible...if machine can be made to work like a human, If Wright Brothers could fufil their wish to fly in the sky, if our technology is advancing so much... Then why can't I fulfil my wish?...
Time elapsed, and suddenly I remember that I need to go home before 4, and its five minutes past 4! I huried up and reached home, panting. I had tea, and sat in front of TV. Soon I got bored, so I went in my room. I pushed the "ON" button of my laptop. I Googled about the present technologies. I learned about motherboards and circuits, biasing--Forward Biasing, Reverse Biasing, the flowing of current through them.
I went in the library, and brought the C++ books---The books teaching the basics of software and programming. I studied about the small chips.
It was 10 p.m. and I dozed off t sleep.
The next morning, my mom said," Peter, yesterday you were calling out POSSIBLE...IMPOSSIBLE...POSSIBLE! in sleep"
"Oh! Was I?" Well I might be thinkng deep in the sleep!
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
Hey there Saraswati. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.
Note before this review begins I have not yet had the chance to read your other chapter. If I make any incorrect character or plot guesses please inform me of the mistake. You have one review so you're already halfway out of the green room and here's the other 50%. So enough with my chit chat because this is where the real critique begins.
The first couple sets of dialogue were set up a bit funky and I think in one case the punctuation was incorrect.
I'm guessing the ellipsis was used to show the main character's voice was trailing off. Almost fading as he or she ran through a door or something. Was that the intended effect?
I think you might have wanted to put a split in between "Mom" and "I". That way you are noting that the mom acknowledged and was paying attention. If you don't put that there it sounds like the kid is just talking to air.
The mother should not be just casually throwing around a suggestion. She should be sort of ordering the kid to get back before four. Also reset the tea thing. It might be better if it went something similar to this.
See how that shows some more authority as if it was coming from a parent rather than a friend. Also try and use more contractions so the dialogue and actions seem more real.
You need to get rid of a lot of your ellipsis and try and let not the use in future chapters. The ellipsis, as far as I know, is to note a thought or action that trails off or continues somewhere else. Many of your places do not apply to this and I think it would be best to replace them. In most places you needed a period instead. It will give the piece a much better presentation and will make it less confusing.
There are a couple of misspelled words. I have collected them below along with what I think the intended word was.
Huried = Hurried
Tought = Thought
T = To
Besides that there wasn't much to comment on. There wasn't that much of a plot but I'd like to hear more about the bird place and Peter's room. Describe each place in detail, even the floor plan of his house. That way the reader's will be able to connect more with your main character.
Well that's about all o have for this review. Sorry if I couldn't offer any more comments/words of advice, depending on how you take them.
Happy Review Day!
Lizzy
Queen of the Book Clubs
This is my 147th review!
Hey there Lizzy!! I really liked the suggestions, and I will think more about them, and apply them in this chapter, the previous chapter, and in what I am going to write the next.
Thank you for your valuable suggestions, and they helped me a lot to improve.
Heya, Saraswati!!
This chapter is really good! I loved it. I like the idea of the "DEEP THOUGHT" leading to te next actions which was gathering information. You have presented it very nicely. I especially thepart when you call out, POSSIBLE... IMPOSSIBLE... in he last line. The title suits the story. loking for the next part! Publish it soon, and notify me...
Keep Writing, Dear Sararswati!