Lost in the valley of love

by Sarahh

Published March 14, 2013

E - Everyone

In Poetry

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Whom should I complain?
All gone, whom should'nt I blame?
There's no smooth terrain!

Why high is the flame?
It's a bulk, where is the crane?
There's nothing so plain!

Why grim is the pain?
All lost, where is my own lane?
There's nothing as drain!

Did I ask for fame?
It's a grind, now where's my grain?
No fluid in vein!

How much is my gain?
How much am I wet by rain?
My words are so lame!
Comments & reviews · 2
User avatar
Jonathan
Review
Jonathan wrote a review Review · Mar 14, 2013

(Whom should I complain?) OK (To whom should I complain?) Might be better.

(Why high is the flame?) (How high are the flames?) I think might be better.

I think that at the beginning of the first three sentences it should be (how) not (why) or maybe it was intentional or you could say (Why can my pain be so grim).

(There's nothing as drain!) This sounds a bit wrong.

(no fluid in my vain) sounds wrong to me too.

It is for certain that your rimes are not lame in fact they are very good a lot better than mine at least.

Good luck.:D

User avatar
Peregrine
Review
Peregrine wrote a review Review · Mar 14, 2013

What can I say? I love it! I Love It! I LOVE IT!!! The rhyme is so easy to follow and understand. It is easy to say, and is very pleasent on your tongue. My favourite part is this:
How much is my gain?
How much am I wet by rain?
My words are so lame!
Though I must say, your words are not lame, they are brilliantly crafted!
I also would like to ask: Is haiku your favourite form of poetry?
If it is, please write more. You have a talent!
Tell me if your put anymore up,
Peregrine



That, sir, is the most frightening battlefield in the world: the blank page.
— Larry McMurtry, Comanche Moon