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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi once again, Sarah!
Yeah, the formatting is a glitch, so I'll just try to do my best without seeing the real form.
I think I like this better than the other poem of yours I read today, "She Is", I think it was. This one has more of a "philosophy" to it (not saying you always should!), which is quite appealing to me, at least.
I've been talking about rhyming poetry a lot lately, and intentional or not, I really like the little internal rhymes you have there:
It sounds very delicious, and I think you could do this even more! It's a great way to build a rhythm to a poem, and it also creates some consistency in my opinion. The poem seems more together.
In my opinion the weakest bits were
This seems a bit too much like filler, something that doesn't really matter and is just there to make the poem longer. What if you took it out completely? I don't think the poem would suffer at all really!
Hope this helps!
Demeter
x
Thanks:) and yes the rhyming was intentional.
Hi Sarah and welcome to YWS!
First off, I think the formatting is wrong for this piece. Prose-poems can be effective, but this reads like it was supposed to have line breaks and stanzas. I've seen formatting glitches on here before, so I don't know if this was intentional.
Also, there's no punctuation. Poems don't have to follow the same rules as prose, but they should have some structure that the reader can comprehend. I generally use the same rules for punctuation and capitalization that I would in prose, which is a good rule of thumb in most cases.
Now, concerning the content. I think you had some good images of happiness personified that could be expanded upon. Right now, this reads more like a random thought than a thought-out poem. Make it stronger by adding more concrete images. For example, maybe you could show someone happy and what happens when that joy leaves.
I know this was a long review for a short piece, but I think what I said could apply to future work as well. There's some creative imagery I liked, and as you gain experience with reading and writing poetry I'm sure you'll improve. Keep writing!
Thanks for the tips, I'll definetly use them! The formatting was a glitch, I didn't know how to fix it. Thank you, and I am going to add a desription of a person happy, and later on sad.