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Young Writers Society



She Is

by SarahMazer


Hair like fire, she is amazing Skin like freckled porcelain, she is indifferent Eyes like a green ocean, she is beautiful Lips like a red rose, she is enthralling Laugh like a bird's song, she is extraordinary Smile like a sunrise, she is renewing

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Sun Feb 24, 2013 9:19 pm
Rarity wrote a review...



I love this, it's really pretty. I do have two critiques for you. One, just remember to put periods at the end of each sentence. It helps the reader know when to pause so it all doesn't run together. Second, the comparisons are not very unique. If you really want to make you poem stand out in the minds of others, try coming up with some new comparisons, something compleletly seperate from what others have done before. My favorite simile would have to be "Skin like freckled porcelain". I know girls that hate their freckles, but your wording makes them beautiful. Great job!

Rarity




SarahMazer says...


Thank you!



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Tue Feb 05, 2013 5:53 am
pletta says...



Not a review but the line "Skin like freckled porcelain" is awesome.




SarahMazer says...


thank you! :)



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Mon Dec 31, 2012 2:04 pm
Demeter wrote a review...



Hi again Sarah! I'm excited to look at your work :)

Hair like fire, she is amazing
Skin like freckled porcelain, she is indifferent
Eyes like a green ocean, she is beautiful
Lips like a red rose, she is enthralling
Laugh like a bird's song, she is extraordinary
Smile like a sunrise, she is renewing


I have to do it like this because it's much easier for me to look at the poem line by line! Unfortunately there have been some formatting issues with YWS works lately.

The form of this poem is quite nice and easy on the eyes, but it might be that several lines of "x like y, she is z" will get boring and repetitive at some point. This is a relatively short poem, so you'll probably get away with that, but if you're thinking of doing something like that in the future, it's good to keep that in mind.

I think my main issue with this poem was that all these similes and descriptions seem fairly basic and not particularly new. For example "Lips like a red rose" - even you must have heard that a thousand times. The same goes for "Laugh like a bird's song". They are pretty descriptions, of course, but uniqueness is what makes poetry interesting. It pays to think of a metaphor/description that no one else has seen before, because that is what will make them want more of your work. That is what will make them think and go "wow". And that is what you want as a writer, of course. :)

I was also expecting to see these things sort of link together. It's a bit difficult to explain, but I guess I thought the "she is ___" was somehow a result of the "___ like ___". It doesn't seem to be the case, though? For example, I can't see why having a laugh like a bird's song would make someone extraordinary, *especially* since that particular description is quite used.

I hope this helps! Happy writing! :)


Demeter
x




SarahMazer says...


Thanks:) I'll keep that in mind.



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Mon Dec 31, 2012 10:09 am
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dikxita wrote a review...



beautiful really....but you know how good it would look with the lines specified individually...but anyways it is nice...good job




SarahMazer says...


Thanks:) and I know I meant to put it in the right way.



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Mon Dec 31, 2012 8:09 am
deleted3 wrote a review...



I love the imagery in this piece! It really shows that this has been written with a great deal of love for the poem's subject.

I have a critique about your format however. A poem needs to be in stanzas, rather than a block of text in a paragraph. As a paragraph (if you intended it that way) it would need more punctuation, full stops and so on. The lines stand out much better when you write it like this:

Hair like fire, she is amazing
Skin like freckled porcelain, she is indifferent
Eyes like a green ocean, she is beautiful
Lips like a red rose, she is enthralling
Laugh like a bird's song, she is extraordinary
Smile like a sunrise, she is renewing


You may even want to add extra line breaks where your commas are, that's up to you. I also have a query about this line:

Skin like freckled porcelain, she is indifferent


Did you mean to use the word "indifferent"? If you look up the dictionary definition, it's not a positive trait, and so it seems out of sync with the mood of your poem.

Otherwise, good job




SarahMazer says...


Thanks:) and when I submitted the poem I entered it as stanzas but it showed up like this.




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