· This story is based on realistic events:
A night in the Woodchester Mansion
- When the rain poured and the winds blow
- Winter arrived with a big pack of snow
- Announcing the beginning of the story you’re about to know
- This story started with happiness and cheers of joy
- From a little girl and a ten year old boy
- : «Daddy is rich» shouted Alex and Rose
- «We’ll have fancy things and elegant cloths»
- Their father had a high promotion, thus he became their star
- And now they had to leave Miami and travel very far
- Their mother Diane said: « say goodbye to sun and sand
- We ‘re going to the famous foggy England»
- Steve said: « I bought a mansion with a really low price
- Thanks to superstitious hoax and fake lies »
- Diane said: «how did you do that? Please tell me more»
- Steve answered laughing: « Oh! the story we’ll just make you bored»
- The kids and their father Steve were pleased all along
- But Diane felt there is something going wrong
- After arriving, the housekeeper welcomed them in a cold tone
- He said: «the Woodchester Mansion welcomes you all»
- «my services will be no longer available after the darkness fall»
- «Even if you get into troubles no one will answer your call»
- And he secretly mumbled:«god have mercy on our souls»
- Diane asked surprised: «what was that all about? »
- So Steve calmed her saying: «Oh! He’s crazy, there is no doubt»
- The mansion was majestic and great
- With a wide garden and a big black gate
- Even the houses near the mansion were built in a great style
- But no one lived anywhere near it for more than a mile
- The family unpacked and found all what they need
- There was many rooms and a library with books to read
- And the two kids were thrilled indeed
- Diane said: «it is amazing, yet it doesn’t feel like home here »
- «There is a great deal of coldness and a sorrowful atmosphere»
- «Nonsense, this place is heaven» answered Alex with a smile
- «The kids love it and so will you after a while»
- Suddenly, little Rose screamed: «daddy! We found a monster come quick! »
- Steve came running to find his children hitting a painting with a stick
- It was a huge portrait of a two-faced man on the wall
- The kids cried: «Daddy kill the monster make it crash and fall»
- So Steve tossed it in the garbage and that was the greatest mistake of all
- Later in the night, the region experienced a cold rainy weather
- And the sound of thunder sounded scarier than ever
- So the family had dinner early in their big dining room
- And kept each other company all night in that terrible gloom
- Each time the wind blows or the thunder roars
- The horror sneaks into their souls more and more
- Finally, they started to fall asleep and surrender to exhaustion
- But they knew it won’t be a «goodnight sleep» in this dark mansion
- Exactly at 3:00am, they were awoken by a horrifying shout
- And what a huge fear possessed the family’s hearts
- But no one dared to move or to go out.
- An angry wind smashed every window and slammed every door
- Its coldness broke into their bones spooking them even more
- They couldn’t move, and they could hardly breathe
- Their hearts beat hard and shook underneath
- They prayed and held hands all night long
- As they started to hear some kids singing a scary song
- They hoped it’ll be an illusion or a bad dream
- As they anxiously waited for the dawn to beam
- After a few hours of pure fear
- The sun light was finally here
- So they slowly started to open their eyes and uncover their ears
- Coldness was gone, and the house was again warm
- The singing and screaming also stopped and there was a dead calm
- They slowly went out of the bed room and proceeded to the hall
- As they walked without any balance and leaned on a wall
- They expected that the house will be a mess and glass will be everywhere
- But shockingly, the mansion was in a good shape from the smallest window to the neatest chair
- «Good god! Steve look » screamed Diane
- As she pointed to the portrait of the two-faced man
- It was good as new, and hanged on the wall once again
- Yet this time, it had a little change
- It looked different as it was rearranged
- It now focuses on the second face which was the ugliest
- And according to the kids, it was also the scariest
- The devilish face appeared with a scary grin
- With a newly- carved line saying: «I who commit sins »
- As the family stared at the paint in a big thrill
- The housekeeper entered and said sarcastically: «I assume you all slept well»
- Steve was enraged by what the housekeeper said
- So he strangled him and yelled: «if you’re behind this consider yourself dead! »
- The housekeeper hardly answered: « I didn’t do this, this is not the case»
- «It’s you who disturbed the former owner of this place»
- «I tried to warn you but you did not listen to me »
- «And with knowing the truth you brought here all your family»
- Diane pulled Steve and freed the old man
- Then she asked him: «what did you warn him about I don’t understand? »
- «I told him the whole truth» the housekeeper replied
- «I told him not to live here because the house is still occupied»
- «But he choose to be ignorant and very blind»
- «Now it is too late, you’ll have to deal with *the darkest side*»
- Before he left, he looked at the children with a pitiful face
- And he mumbled as usual« what a shame! What a waste! »
- Steve said to Diane: «don’t believe this old miserable fraud»
- Diane replied: «knowing what to believe is now very hard»
- Then she ran and stopped the old man
- Then asked him to explain the matter from the top to the end
- He agreed after seeing desperation in her eyes
- And he said: «fine! You shall know the whole truth without any lies»
- Diane invited the old housekeeper for a cup of tea
- Then she started to ask him: «what does the owner want? And who is he? »
- «Did he send people to scare us so his house is once again free? »
- «Maybe we can come to an agreement and he just let us be»
- The old housekeeper laughed until he teared
- Then he said: «you people are crazy indeed»
- «He is the one that everyone feared»
- «He’s the one with two faces; one is good, the other is bad»
- «And he’s about to be the worst nightmare you ever had»
- Diane asked in a surprise: «you mean he’s the one in the portrait that we saw? »
- «How come he’s still alive and the portrait is created ages ago? »
- The housekeeper answered: «his flesh and bones lay in the ground»
- «But his evil spirit which you disturbed, still wonders around»
- «Enough with this nonsense!» Shouted Steve
- «We are not some idiots you can fool or deceive»
- «We’ve heard enough, and now I’ll have to ask you to leave»
- The housekeeper replied: «very well! I’ll go on my way»
- «But be careful in the game you’re about to play»
- And then he left after he said all what he wanted to say
- Steve loudly said: «I’ll keep watch all night long»
- « I will prove this is a set-up and all what he has said is wrong»
- Later at night, Diane and Steve locked their kids in a room
- And the paranormal events started at 3:00 am as they assumed
- The cold wind invaded the house with a big power
- Then it suddenly stopped, and there was a dead silence after an hour
- The two parents started to slowly walk
- As a small candle light was turned on out of the dark
- A soft wind entered and opened a big window
- And out of nowhere appeared a mysterious man’s shadow
- Steve said with a trembled voice: «see? I told you this was a game»
- «There is no such thing as ghosts; and scaring us was the only aim»
- Then he screamed: «show yourself, tell us who you are! »
- «The games you’re playing had gone so far! »
- A loud laughter was the mysterious man’s only response
- And this caused Steve and Diane a faster heart pulse
- His two shiny red eyes glowed from the distance
- And he said: «it a shame that you’ll die here and your kids are the only witness»
- (The man teleported behind Steve and Diane)
- And once they felt his cold breath on their skin they screamed and ran
- With a single clap he put them both in the air
- And said: «my identity is not something I share»
- «But if knowing who I’m is your last wish, than it’s totally fair»
- «Once upon a time I used to be Edward Mordrake, England’s heir»
- «And now I’m death which came to you out of nowhere»
- «And tomorrow I shall be your kids’ scariest nightmare»
- As Steve struggle he said: « you are a coward, you’re not even real»
- «You don’t have any senses, you can’t even feel»
- With another clap, the ghost set Steve on fire
- As he screamed: «quiet human! Are you calling me a fake or a liar? »
- Steve didn’t live or die, he just felt endless pain
- And Diane screamed: «leave us alone» but it was all in vain
- The ghost said: «you humans are weaker than you believe»
- And shortly after he finished talking, he released Steve
- «You have no reason or strength»
- «And for disturbing me I’ll show you the face of death»
- Unexpectedly, the old housekeeper came in after breaking the door
- He looked terrified, yet so hard core
- With a bunch of charms and a shotgun, he looked like a soldier going to a war
- He aimed to the portrait with the shotgun
- And after shooting it twice he screamed: «get the kids and run»
- After this shot, the ghost’s changed his shape
- And he started to get a little weak giving the family time to escape
- They immediately rushed out of that cursed place
- And they didn’t look back, not even to check if they were chased
- After they reached safety, they thanked the old housekeeper for saving their lives
- He said in an angry tone: «oh! It was pure luck that helped you to survive»
- In the next day, they left England and went back home
- The first night they spent their, started a furious storm
- Everything that night was extremely cold and went
- And in the morning the parents were found dead in mysterious events
- The children survived but they always feared the rainy weather
- And the memory of Edward Mordrake stayed with them forever
- So, we shouldn’t believe only what we see with our eyes
- Because what appears to be a bless, can be a curse in disguise
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,012 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
What I love most about this piece is that it's brave. It reminds me of an epic poem, the ancient greek version of a story, yet you've thrown in a gothic element as well. It's difficult to break free of conventional structures, so I applaud that in itself.
The rhyming wasn't quite perfect. At some points, it worked really well and flowed perfectly, like here:
" - «Enough with this nonsense!» Shouted Steve
- «We are not some idiots you can fool or deceive»
- «We’ve heard enough, and now I’ll have to ask you to leave»
- The housekeeper replied: «very well! I’ll go on my way»
- «But be careful in the game you’re about to play»"
It sounds like a nursery rhyme and it works really well. But there are also points where it doesn't work so well:
" - Steve loudly said: «I’ll keep watch all night long»
- « I will prove this is a set-up and all what he has said is wrong»
- Later at night, Diane and Steve locked their kids in a room
- And the paranormal events started at 3:00 am as they assumed"
As you can see, the flow drops a little and it's hard to say it all out loud and maintain the rhythm. I'd suggest you go through and read the whole thing out loud to make sure it all flows, as going from good rhyming to bad rhyming seems a shame. If all of it flowed as well as it does in the good bit- which is fairness is most of the time- this piece would be fantastic.
So, yes, it needs a little work, but overall the piece is sound and worth the effort. It's ambitious, partly because of the format but mostly because of the length for which you sustain this, so it was inevitable you'd need to do another draft or two to make it perfect.
Overall: A good effort here, I'd like to see more of your writing style, as risk takers always produce the most interesting ideas. Keep writing
On a side note, as it's your first day I'd like to welcome you to YWS. Anything you need, simply ask me in the chat bar and I'll either answer you or send you to someone who can. Be sure to get reviewing and reading what others are posting, and enjoy your time here
This was a very interesting story. first off, i couldn't figure out whether this would be a great poem, movie script or, short story(yes it's a complement). second, I really do like how the painting has two faces, makes it creepier. But this might be just me, but i kind of want more details on how/why Edward Mordrake became a ghost/spirit/creepy thing. Over all, it would be awesome if this story was turned into a movie. not like, a 2 hr movie, that would kill the whole story in my opinion, but like, a short movie, sort of like, a 30 min film you would watch on Halloween.
NOTE: This is a review, but i dont understand the button that says, "Review?" yeah.......
I've put some details in the end of the story in the draft but I didn't copy them here, actually Edward existed . I did a short introduction on that but I just didn't include it.
Hi there!
I wanted to start off by saying that this is a very interesting format for a short story. It reminds me of a poem. But hey, everyone has a different style right? I think it's actually pretty cool! It's like each line is a brand new thought.
Here's my review of this wonderful story:
*a side note, I'm going to call these lines instead of sentences because sometimes a sentence could last two or three lines. Just a head's up.
*this being the first thing I see when reading, it must be interesting and draw me in. I can't say that it pulled me in and made me want to read more, but it definitely grabbed my interest just by the way it's written. One thing I have to point out is that the second part of the first line is in a different tense than the first half. You should make sure that your tenses are kept consistent throughout. The line should read something like 'When the rain poured and the winds blew'.
*I'm trying to figure out the rhyme scheme of this. There doesn't seem to be a set rhyme scheme, but there do seem to be places where you keep rhymes constant. Like three consecutive lines rhyme and next two consecutive lines rhyme. I'm not a big fan or expert of rhyming, but I would suggest that if you are going to rhyme, keep it consistent. Either rhyme three lines in a row or two lines in a row for the whole piece.
*nitpick: should be 'clothes' not 'cloths'
*I think this might flow better if you word it like this: 'Their father got a promotion and then became their star'. Or something along the lines of that. The word 'thus' in there is bothering me...
*I absolutely love this line! Very cool
*again, watch your tenses. This should be 'was' not 'is'.
Whoa, the ending was pretty creepy. Actually, the whole part with the guy from the painting was creepy. Congratulations, you've now scared the living daylights out of me.
Overall this is a good story. There are some parts that you can change to make it flow a little better, but I think it's good. Your rhymes worked well and didn't seem fake or forced. I would have liked to know more about these character and the setting, but since the main focus is on this man haunting the family, I don't think it's that big of a deal.
Keep writing!
**Noelle**
Thank you much! That was actually so helpful