Rain Is Laughing at Me

This is Kaos here for a review, as promised!

So the first thing that I noticed about this poem is that it lacks neatness. The structure is something that you didn't really focus on with this poem and it's something that I wanted to see more of. I suggest breaking this up into stanzas, and if you don't know how to do that, you can either put all of your lines together and press 'shift+enter' or if that's too vague, you can also just use a "~" or some other form of line break between stanzas.

The onomatopoeia is one of the first things that I noticed about this poem and it's something that interests me but I didn't really find it to be done well because of just being repeated three times. If you're going to use it, I suggest being more subtle and focusing on the sensory details about that type of thing, honing in on what it actually sounds like and then incorporating that into your lines.

The next thing that I wanted to touch on was the fact that all of your lines tend to be the same length in this poem and that's a mold that I wanted to see broken due to it getting stale pretty easily and it restricts your imagery and other things of that sort. The rhyme is something that I found not really needed to be in the poem and if you want to take this at a more lax pace or with a more lax tone, I think you could keep it, but it took away from the poem for me.

Something else that I wanted to touch on is that 'rain is laughing at me' is an awkward line to have and 'the' in front of it is something that would be beneficial to make it stand up stronger. As for imagery in this poem, it was lacking and wasn't really here. I wanted it to be more consistent and I wanted you to expand on it. I suggest using sensory details, which are exactly what they sound like: details of the senses. What does it sound like, smell like, feel like, look like, /taste/ like, even?

All of these are things that would help immerse the reader into the atmosphere of the poem better. The metaphor of the speaker growing old and that being incorporated into the poem is something that I wanted to see expanded on because you didn't really touch on it as much as it could have been, and it's one of the stronger parts of the piece. Give us an experience with this.

The repetition is the final thing that I wanted to talk about. The line that you decide to repeat isn't particularly strong and some things to keep in mind are, why you're using repetition and how often you use repetition. Is it to add emphasis onto a line, or is it to add more detail onto it? How often are you using it? The start of every stanza? Three times in a row? The beginning and end of the poem? All of these things are good to keep in mind while using it. The poem is good at telling a story and does well at hinting signs of strong imagery, but I want more of this and I want to feel immersed.

I hope I helped and have a great day!

Sapphireluna on yet another poetry review.
First off- I love love love the development of your character!
I can really tell that this person is growing older, and weaker, and living their life, and I feel like its a really strong piece. I also feel like you really feel this person as your reading, what they're going through, and how human they really are. (Does that make sense?!)
I'm personally more of a short story writer than a poet, but that doesn't mean I don't completly have appreciation for poetry, and the only constructive critisim I would get is you can go a little quicker at the start just because I feel like it started out weaker/slower than it ended, which isn't exactly what we want. No hate though- this was by far the best piece I have read for a while! Even though I don't know you or this character, I feel like I do through this work, which is a very special feeling.
Congrats though -this is truly brilliant and I truly feel like your going somewhere.

This is ZeldaIsShiek back for another review on some exceptional poetry! I'll waste no time getting to the review. Let's begin.

Let's start with praise. I really loved this poem, and I thought that it really showed what you were feeling inside while writing this. It is hard to write poems like this without some experience in life with the emotions you plan to portray, and I really love the way you portrayed clear depression in this poetic wonder. However, you did not portray it as a crippling emotional depression, but the depression that blooms when rain cuts deep into rock- or in this case, soul.

As for the bad, I am afraid to say there is... nothing wrong! I'm sure there is something you could have done better, as there is with any poem. However, I was unable to find any error within your writing! Congratulations to you, for this, is the first time a poem I reviewed had no grammatical errors.

TLDR: GG no errors #GoodWritingM89

This poem has so many beautiful moments. I get a lot of glimpses into the emotion behind it- I see the impatience that comes with being a child, the weariness of being an adult, and the relief and bittersweetness that comes with retirement and death. The biggest issue that keeps these emotions from being more potent is, as amelie was saying, a significant sense of being forced. Poems don't like being forced to rhyme, and the audience doesn't like being forced to watch a poem being forced to rhyme. It's inhumane and uncomfortable. My advice to you would be to very carefully comb through the words you have, eliminate the ones that either don't contribute to the story our hinder the emotions (read: anything you just stuck in there to fill space or complete a rhyme), and flesh out your main idea. Throw away the cliches. Be very, very, VERY careful using onamatopoeia here- I noticed you using it to rhyme, which smells vaguely like *forcing rhymes where they don't want to happen*.

This is a beautiful idea. I have personally never considered how my view and interpretation of rain had changed as I got older, and it was a bit of an "ah-ha" moment to read this. Just consider trimming back the fluff and refining the structure so that your poem is built on the ideas and not the rhyme.

Hey! Welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here and continue to post things. I found this poem interesting. I didn't love it but I totally did not hate it, either. I found it relied on repetition a little too heavily and after awhile got a bit boring. This poem seems to have been written before. Try writing about rain in a different way than the usual "pitter-patter". The whole rain is laughing at me is really interesting as one usually sees rain as tears instead of joy. But the "at me" part makes me think of the rain mocking you. Anyway, an interesting poem like I said. I recommend adding stanzas, and writing and reading more poetry.

marmalade

hello! welcome to YWS!! a quick introduction to how this works: you review to get points to post to get reviews. also, take advantage of different clubs and forums; they're extremely helpful. alright, now that's out of the way, i'll start off the review.
the main thing that sticks out to me is the forced rhyming. i saw a couple instances of this, like "as i age beyond my years/my face, and my tears." and "as it falls down on earth/giving new meaning to rebirth". watch out for forced rhymes like this, because what i want you to understand -and im sure you already know this- but poetry does NOT have to rhyme. so maybe play around with free verse a bit to get a feel for what you really want to say in this.
i came because i liked the title, but a real reason for the title is a little hard for me to find, so maybe try and give a better explanation for that and take advantage of using some good imagery.
going along with imagery, i keep seeing the start of a great opportunity for imagery, and then it goes off to another thing. imagery is very important in poetry for the reader to really get a true feeling for the piece. i personally feel like that's what really makes a poem a poem, and i do see some interesting images in here, but i would LOVE to see more.
so give a little more relation with title to poem.
-amelie.