Feedback much appreciated!
Hide to learn
Fight to live
Deal with pain
Live with all
This is what you have to do
To survive this crazy world
Sing a song of slavery
Then yell a word of freedom
You have to do what you have to do
You got to fly to be the best
You got to fall to be noticed
Speak out if you want to be satisfied
Swim through hardships
Only to find another
Barge into the door
Then be knocked onto the floor
This is what you have to do
To survive this crazy world
Sing a song of freedom
Then fall back into slavery
Fight to survive
Walk to get ahead
Sing to be heard
Live with all
Be blamed for everything
But don't say a word
Take on the punishment
Even if you don't deserve it
If someone speaks up for you
Welcome it with kind eyes
Try something different
Be all you can be
Laugh at yourself if you fall
Be kind to your enemies
Be a wonderful friend
Never give up
This is what you have to do
To survive this crazy world
Sing a song of success
Then get broken down again
If you want to complain
Remember these words
In the time that you whine
You could be out there making progress
If you doubt
Or you're scared
Make believe you can do it
And the rest will come into place
Do what you love
Make fun out of hard
Life would be so much shinier
If you made it so
If you're piled up with work
You can't seem to finish
Relax and think
There will be a happy ending
Practice makes perfect
Dreams come true
Believe in your heart
Stand your ground
This is what you have to do
To survive this crazy world
Never give up
And the world won't give up on you.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sapphirejay,
This is a pretty good piece of poetry you have here! There are a lot of conflicts in this poem, which is a really good thing. I like a lot of the things that you listed (but that, in itself, is one of the problems with this poem).
Hide to learn
Fight to live
Deal with pain
Live with all
I don't think this is a very spectacular opening. Like prose, a poem has to stand out and grab you with the first few lines--or even words! You need something stronger than this to grab my attention and hold it to carry me throughout the entire poem.
John Donne's poem The Cannonization has a very strong opening line.
See how strong that takes a hold of you? It seems to grab you by the collar and throw you up against a wall. The narrator seems to be shouting in your face. It's incredible the way words can conjure up these feelings! Look back at the first stanza at your poem. "Hide to learn" barely makes sense in itself until you look at it for a little bit longer. And even then... hide? Really? Why do you have to hide to learn? When I saw that phrase, I couldn't understand why someone would need to hide. The other three lines make sense, but that first line, man. It's not workin' with me.
As I mentioned up there, you list a lot of things.
Those are just a few of the things that you listed. Some of them are interesting, but none of them are just AMAZING. You're telling me, in this poem, how to survive in today's world. Why do you be specific? You say "Fight to live". What exactly are we fighting against? Monsters? People? Ourselves? This poem could be so much better if you were specific.
I really enjoyed the line, "You have to sing to be heard." That was a really powerful line, and I wish that you would, instead of listing everything, expand it and dive into this poem. Make it more full. Right now, it seems pretty empty.
One of the best ways to get better at poetry is to read poetry. There is tons of poetry to read out in the world, so I recommend that you go to the library and pick up a poetry book. It will do wonders to your skills as a poet.
Best of luck with future poems or revisions. Feel free to PM me any time you want to chat, or just need a friend!
-Jared