My Inner Child Likes Chocolate

i really love this poem, it very well may be the best piece of poetry I have ever read! It is sweet and fun. I read on your profile that "being a writer isn't practical", i think you're a great writer and should go for it!

I really liked this. I didn't see any problems in it.

But You don't need the italics because what is the point?

The poem had great imagery in it, and it wasn't vague at all. At least I think so.

Feel free to pm me with any questions.

GRL

I thought this poem was cute, and I loved it! you don't need to change anything to it!

Thanks for your reviews!

Snoink, that was actually one of my alternative endings! Those exact words! I sat for ages trying to word the last line so that it would fit the rhythm and say what I meant but ending up picking the one that I did because it got across the future aspect. I'm still thinking about it.

Hello!

This was such a nice poem. It was so cute! I also have an inner child, but I love to let her out sometimes. I really enjoyed reading this poem. My favorite part of the poem was this...

I do not approach her often,
wherever she may be.
Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.

Awww.... so cute!

Here is where the rhythm went a little weird:


She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

and


Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.

For the first one, you may consider adding an adjective to the second line, just to even things up. Right now, it's a little off-balance. For the second one... the last rhythm is off, so I would suggest you saying, "she doesn't know she's me" at the end. I realize that this slightly changes the poem and makes the relationship more symbiotic than not, but I think that might be an interesting way to take the poem.

In any case, it's really cute. Well done! ^_^

I like it. The only thing that would make it better is rework the rhythm a bit so that every stanza is the same, and to give it a consistantly bouncy feel. I find poems like this one are very successful when they have that.

DC622 wrote:So cute. I really like how you wrote that, it flowed very nicely and it was very creative. I have one question...is it a true story? lol.

So cute. I really like how you wrote that, it flowed very nicely and it was very creative. I have one question...is it a true story? lol.

I'm really grateful for these reviews. I'm going go away and work on it and try to iron out these issues.

smorgishborg, I think I will try it in free verse and see what happens. BlondeTwiggy, chocoholic and Demeter, you picked out my favourite sections of the poem as well. I'll work on the points that were raised about the meter.

It's interesting when you're writing and you feel you haven't quite got there with certain stanzas or lines - I think I've a tendency to wonder what I can get away with so it's good to know nothing will be missed here!

Thanks again everyone.

Okay, here I am!

I got very interested as soon as I saw the title. It was funny. But it made me think this poem would be more about chocolate and less about everything else. The chocolate part is just a little bit in the beginning and then it just vanishes. So maybe the title "My Inner Child" or something would suit better, though I know it's not as funny.

The stanzas three and five didn't really flow too well, I think it's because the word choices. Maybe you could to say some lines in different words? Also "in an attempt" in the fifth stanza doesn't quite fit, because "attempt" is such a long word. Maybe edit it a little so it sounds smoother but the reader still gets the idea?

For me, the eighth stanza was the best. The whole poem was sweet, and by editing it just a little, you'll get a great one. Thanks and keep up!

All the best
Demeter xx

Cute. I really liked this. I'm afraid I'm not a good critiquer of poetry, but I'll try my hardest.

Her gran may not know what they are

I see her every now and then –
though less as time goes on –
on holiday or in the park,
but soon enough, she’s gone.

I do not approach her often,
wherever she may be.
Although I know my inner child,
she doesn't know she'll become me.

I like this. Cute and at the end, thought-provoking. Also not cliche like smorgishborg said.

She reads A. A. Milne upside down,
dad’s glasses on her nose,
then will recite it word-perfect
as though it’s Cervantes’ prose.

She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

She loves sports, she’s energetic,
she’s always raring to go.

She asks questions to get answers
her mum doesn’t always know.

No need to be harsh, you've got a good deal to work with here.

in general I appreciated your subject matter and tone. The idea wasn't very clichéd, and you did well to put it in a new way. I actually think the rhyming injures the poem (that isn't advice I give very often) because I think it constrains your word choices, and it isn't giving you anything new here... I'd rewrite it in free verse and try to add an extra dash of poetry to it.

[spoiler]

but she's her biggest fan

She loves sports, she’s energetic,
she’s always raring to go.
She asks questions to get answers
her mum doesn’t always know.

She's learned all of her times tables
(to twelve times twelve, at least).
She begs her parents for a pet
and befriends any beast.

...(it’s so very far away!),
for her, it is light years from now; ...