Winter Bloom
Why are you here?
I ask you,
What is the purpose
Of living in constant death?
You are beautiful,
But cold,
And all around you
You see life
Come to waste.
Your cousins bloom when the ice thaws,
Your sisters bloom when the rain falls,
But you,
Why do you open up
So early?
When the world is covered in white
And the birds so rarely sing?
What is the point?
I say,
Of living alone in a world of snow,
Frozen and motionless,
Waiting for your family to come back
To you.
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140,867 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I loved it... Its so simple but each word holds the weight of the other, Its a beautiful poem. I love the way everyone here is so good at writing.
Hey BlueRaspberry. ^_^ I like this poem a lot! It feels brutal, yet beautiful. I think it flows very well, except for perhaps the word "you" being used a bit too often. It becomes especially apparent here:
Though in my opinion, if it was used less earlier in the poem, the segment I quoted probably wouldn't sound repetitive at all.
One other thing, I guess this isn't something that's supposed to be considered much in feedback, but I was honestly very surprised when I noticed that you're eleven years old. Your writing is absolutely fantastic, regardless of your age, but when you consider your age, it becomes almost mind-blowing.
Keep up the great work! I look forward to seeing more submissions from you.
Your poetry is simple yet not boring but I didn't like the use of 'You' in almost each and every line. Sounds repetitive.
I like the general idea but you were trying to be more deep. Don't try just move with the flow.
Use of simple words makes it good, atleast for me.
Hello blueraspberry,
It's very straightforward, but I liked the simplicity of it too. It fits the subject, the title, it doesn't try to be anything else. Just a winter bloom. These are interesting thoughts voiced by the speaker, so when I usually dislike asking questions in poems, I'm not too upset about the usage here, because you've brought up interesting questions. I know it's meant to be left as open-ended, as a thought provoking question that is engaging to the reader, but I have a challenge for you: could you answer these questions? Could you answer it with image? Experiment, I'd love to see what you can come up with.
I actually enjoyed this piece
Now for the more technical things, I'm not sure if your line spacing was intentional or not - (YWS likes to act up sometimes), but I would try to remove the linespacing, just because when reading poetry - everything matters. Even the form of the poem is a part of its poetry and the heavy line space (as opposed to single-space), I feel, inhibits flow.
Let's get more creative here, 'cold' is a weak description. I'm letting "beautiful" pass, so come up with something better than 'cold'
Sensory description is important in a poem because it allows for a reader to directly experience it. Not to promote myself, but I had a similar poem where I compared "coldness" to heartbreak using the singular image of someone "shivering".
The point is, to play around with images. Metaphor, similes, personification; literary devices can enhance and add depth to a poem and can make something "good" really great.
I would remove the first "you", just to avoid the double 'you-you' and by doing so you wouldn't be losing anything.
Overall, an excellent poem in and of itself. I enjoyed reading it, which is the most important thing. Now, I'm sure with minor corrections you could leave it as is. But this is also the potential to become something more. Think about images and think about expanding this, and this'll go far. Great job!
~ As Always Audy