Young Writers Society

Hello Saphira. I do believe this is the first time we have met. I am Incognito, your critiquer today. I saw this and it peaked my attention. If I enjoy this, you might just see me reviewing your other chapters.

Let's begin, shall we?

I. NIT-PICKING

I was sitting in my office, stopping work for a rare moment to look outside my window to the bright day outside.

You started this off fairly good. It starts right in the middle of the scene, catching the reader's attention.

There is only one thing that I would change. I do not think 'rare' is the appropriate word at this moment. Maybe 'breif' would sound better. Taking a break while doing work is common no matter how small that break would be.

In the background, soft classical music played.

I believe you should clarify background. I was expecting you to ramble on about out side, but it seems you are describing an aspect in his office. I think you should state that the music was played by his computer? A radio? A phograph? It would make it a lot easier for the reader to understand.

The man I had just finished persecuting was on his way to jail,

'Persecuting' should indeed be 'Prosecuting'

Suddenly, my feeling of calm was disturbed by the view outside my window.

I think because of this sentence that you should have described the main characters emotions and clarity on the matter. Make the writing describe the state of calm he is in.

The man, Andreas, was running up the stairs to the front door.

In do not necessarily think you need 'The man' because you have not specified any other man yet the criminal he prosecuted.

My heart thudded in my throat, and the crash of my coffee mug against the marble floor seemed distant, miles away.

I really do like this line, but when I first read the line before, I thought this 'Andreas' fellow was a friend or business worker with the main character. I think you should include some of the main characters surprise and hostility before.

control, She

You do not need a capital on 'she'.

control, She dialed the small black phone:

This is awkwardly put. But otherwise, I believe you do not need a colon there. You could end the sentence and put a break with the dialogue. That us how it usually is.

“Hello? Police? There is an emergency at 534 Shore Drive, New York City. A man with a record of attempted murder is here.”

This decribes the tension. I personally would have no idea he was actually the murderer. I would have said something that gave him an obvious sign of murderous intention, maybe he could have been holding a gun. The way it seemed before was that he was coming back for his cell phone that he happened to forgot.

Also, that sentence does line up with the alarm. I would have personally added something about; 'I believe he is going to kill us.' or 'we just prosecuted him to life sentence, so he ain't happy.' You have to make sure the reader is knowledgable with everything that does happen or else they could get confused and give up.

I heard squawking on the other end of the phone, and Mrs. Donavan clicked it shut.

Actually, just to let you know, 9-1-1 would not actually want you to hang up that quickly. They would trace the call before so that they would not be fooled with wahat was going on.

'Squawking' doesn't seem like a good word at this point in time. It kind of makes it humorous.

Just then, a heavy weight fell on the door.

'Fell' isn't the correct term at this moment. I would have 'slammed' or another verb that described the force of impact more.

It burst open, and Andreas rushed in.

I would think, if they actually barcaded the door, he would not actually be able to get in as quickly.

Against my will, I screamed and fell backward.

I think you should go into more detail here. For why exactly is it against his will and why did he fall backward> Why did he scream, even though that one is quite obvious. Answer those questions, go into more detail and make the action gripping to the reader.

But I couldn’t get away, and I screamed again as his arm descended over and over.

I think the reason for this scream is pain. Why not tell about the excrutiating pain he felt. And with Andreas's brutal attack 'descended' is not the right word. That kind of makes me think a group of angels gently falling from heaven, singing. I think you should say something like 'and I screamed again as the iron pipe made connection with the back of my skull, a blistering pain arising. I fell over and he kept up this brutal attack.'

Mrs. Donavan’s yells faded into the background as I lost consciousness.

I like this. That was a great way to end the part like that. It makes the reader itching to read more.

Juliana POV

And now we are off to another character. Interesting.

I jerked upright, covered in sweat, and looked at my arm. It was intact.

I like this. Great way to start again.

I felt my head, to find that it was also intact.

Personally, I would check if my head was alright before my arm. This sentence just seemed to be an added addition to the train of thought that you couldn't seem to place it in there without being creative.

digital clock/radio

This here is one of my pet peeves. Please clarify which one it truly is. Just call it an alarm clock.

Taking a shuddering breath, I got up, knowing that after these dreams it took me hours to get back to bed.

I think you should easily add 'so it wasn't worth even trying'. It clarifies it a bit more. Most people would think after the second part of the sentence, that she would try to fall asleep again.

in prison

You should add 'a' in between those words. And also, with the rest of the sentence, he is not necessarily in a prison FAR away. I know, picky. He also would go through a series of courts too.

and that Andreas was safely in prison somewhere far away. Walking down the smooth spiral staircase

I believe you could have made another paragraph after the part about Andreas.

Then I sighed, thinking of Caitlin as I made the instant coffee that I kept stored in my cupboards. What was I going to do with her?

Obviously, with the sentence before, she was 'being mindful of Caitlin' which does mean she was think of her. I think you should rephrase that to make it clear that Juliana was going into further thought about Caitlin.

Three weeks ago, I had received a clipped message from my mother, saying that Sally and her husband ran away and left their child, and my niece, behind. What could I do but take the girl in? She was fifteen, the rebellious age, and she refused to trust another adult. She had ignored all my attempts to close the gap between us, and now that she was starting summer vacation, she had to come with me to my office. Ah well, I decided. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

A bit info-dumpish but necessary. I thought this paragraph was pretty good.

I finished my steaming mug of coffee and went upstairs again, took a long shower, and got dressed for work. In front of the full-length mirror, I stared dispassionately at the person in the mirror. 5’7’’, she stared back, with her pale complexion and waist length red brown hair. Her piercing green eyes, straight nose, and long neck made her look more like a model then a lawyer. I grinned wryly at the image of me strutting down the catwalk decked out in all sorts of clothes. Yea, sure. Juliana Antoinette, super model. More like, attempt to strut, and fall flat on my face.

I like Juliana's character, but I will go into that later. I found this is unecessary detail for a prologue and was fairly info-dumpish again. The mild humour helped it, but otherwise, I have to agree with mikedb1492 with this one. Just read his comment about that section. I fully agree with it.

I turned my attention to the newspapers and saw that nanotechnology was once again in the headlines.

It seems here that you are adding in another aspect to this story otherwise you wouldn't have bothered to point it out. I am quite curious. I do not know what nanotechnology truly is but I will soon hopefully find out.

Every day, more people came to ask for life insurance and security from the lawyer a block down.

Wouldn't Juliana get customers coming to her firm? She is a lawyer after all. And I do believe she would not know how many customers walk through another firms doors.

some random and completely out of control.

Some of what is random and completely out of control? I am confused now.

Eight months ago, an unknown person in China had sent a bomb up into space, where it fell back towards earth before exploding and releasing nano particles into the atmosphere.

What is this supposed to mean? Was that how nanotechnology came to be? If so I believe that it would take longer for scientists to develop technological ideas off these particles. A single bomb, I would not think would realease that much. Did they send more bombs up into space?

Another question that occured to me that doesn't really matter; Why the hell would the Chinese man send the bomb up there in the first place, and how?

encouraged by this sign of willing

Encouraged is the start of a new sentence. It should start with a capital.

“Yea, I’m fine, just stressed.”

Why would Juliana be stressed when there she was reading a newspaper? Explain on that a bit more.

Caitlin looked at me, and then asked politely, ”Are you feeling well?” encouraged by this sign of willing conversation, I said, “Yea, I’m fine, just stressed.” Caitlin looked down at her feet, her black hair falling over her face. “Sorry. I am grateful for you bringing me in, it’s just that I had friends and a good lifestyle, and then my parents ruin it all by proving just what kind of scum they are!” She muttered. I nodded sympathetically, but I was happy she was finally talking. That was about thirty-five more words then she had willingly said in the last three weeks. I smiled at her, and then stiffened. Something was out of place today, but I couldn’t think what.

First of all, is the dialogue problem. I will tell you about that when I talk about your writing's format.

Then I felt a sudden pain, as though someone had stuck a needle through my heart.

I can barely think of any injury that would cause this unless it was a disease or a heart-attack.

The world darkened and I feel to my knees. The last thing I thought before surrendering to the darkness was, Damn it.

Great way to end the story even though the falling unconcious deal is starting to get repetitive.

II. WRITING FORMAT

You had one major issue with your actual writing format. When you write dilaogue you have to start a new paragraph describing how it was said, and what truly was said. And then you start a new paragraph.

This just helps your ideas flow more properly and makes it easier for the reader to comprehend what you are going for. There was some confusion at points. This is easy to fix. If you are confused about the lay-out, feel free to look at the way I have set up my own story with dialogue.

Your paragraphs were lengthy and I believe a lot of them could possible have been halved and the other half becoming a paragraph on its own.

Also, the second part of it seemed more over a chapter and not a prologue. It was very informative giving a lot of details. When you read a prologue you do not need all those details you included. The prologue is to give a sense to the reader into what they are about to go into.

III. EVALUATION OF THE WRITING

Your writing is very basic and clear which I like. The gramar and punctuation is phenominal compared to some that I have seen. It seems that you have re-read your writing. I even fall into the punctuation and grammar errors consistantly.

What I believe you could do is become more descriptive on its own. Use the five senses; sight, sound, taste. feel. and smell. If you use those, it makes the writing become more detailed and more expressive making it pleasant for the reader to read.

There are also points in the story where decription will help answer a lot of the questions that occured to me. If you get more decriptive in places that I believe your writing can become fantastic.

And here is another thing. You had a small problem with telling and not showing, especially at the mirror part. That was all just information on what she looked like. Get creative with it. Reveal the details as you go along with her actions and the decription that goes a long with it.

IV. CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

I cannot really tell you much about the characters because this is only a prologue but I will tell you what I think of them and what I think you should do to improve them.

First of all, I would put somewhere in the first paragraph what the one dude's name was because you see, now I have to call him 'the one dude'. I think you should have gone into more detail of his thoughts so that you could get a better taste of that man's personality. For everyone is different in their own way. When I read this, I barely got a sense of who he really was even though it was in first person. I personally thought of him as a confident person who believes everything happens for a reason. I expect that he is happy in his life.

With his secretary, I believe you gave more characteristics about her than 'the one dude'. I like her character, loving and motherish. I can automatically get accustumed to her quickly.

I really like Juliana's character. I loved her mild humour and how she thought of things sarcastically and geniunely. I really do like her and you put in a lot of insight to her persona.

V. OVERALL

This piece overall does make me intrigued to read the next chapters. I love reading about vengence and murder. I can kind of see where you are going with this. You can do much with this story and I insight you gave into the story. Even though you have a couple things to work on but if you do, than I can asure you that you will become an accomplished writer.

If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

~Incognito

The man I had just finished persecuting was on his way to jail, and the little girl he attacked was healing.

You mean prosecuting, not persecuting. Also, I'd change "the little girl he attacked was healing" to "the little girl he'd attacked was in recovery." It sounds a bit better and signifies some sort of medical treatment. Sorry, I'm such a nitpick.

She dialed the small black phone:

This was said weirdly. You can't dial a phone. I'd simply say "she dialed 911 on the small black phone."

There is an emergency at 534 Shore Drive, New York City.

Since they're in New Yark City, the people they call will already know they're in New York since NYPD only gets calls from New York. Also, since I'm assuming this is a business they're at, maybe you should name the business.

I heard squawking on the other end of the phone,

Don't say "squawking". I literally thought someone was squawking.

But I couldn’t get away, and I screamed again as his arm descended over and over.

When you say "as his arm descended" I forget about the pipe and only think about his arm. This would work better as something like "But I couldn't get away. I screamed as the pipe descended upon me over and over."

Mrs. Donavan’s yells faded into the background as I lost consciousness.

Wait... Mrs. Donavan? The way you had the last one phrased made it sound like the main character was getting beat to a pulp... Try to clarify that a bit better.

Its blinking red numbers informed me that it was 5:40am.

Sorry... Remember, I'm a nitpick. Anyway, "informed me" just sounds a little weird, like the clock is more than simply an object. Try "Its blinking red numbers read 5:40 am."

Walking down the smooth spiral staircase of my spacious house, I drifted into the old kitchen, with its high ceilings and beautiful décor.

My rule of thumb, you don't shouldn't say something has beautiful decor, or anything similar to that form of description, without going into detail about it. At this point of your story, it would be a drag to go into detail, so you want to just say "I drifted into my old kitchen."

Sally and her husband ran away and left their child, and my niece, behind.

Are the child and her niece the same person? Because the way this is worded makes it sound like two different people even though you used the right of commas. Here's another good example of what this could be. "Sally and her husband ran away and left their child, my niece, behind."

In front of the full-length mirror, I stared dispassionately at the person in the mirror. 5’7’’, she stared back, with her pale complexion and waist length red brown hair. Her piercing green eyes, straight nose, and long neck made her look more like a model then a lawyer. I grinned wryly at the image of me strutting down the catwalk decked out in all sorts of clothes. Yea, sure. Juliana Antoinette, super model. More like, attempt to strut, and fall flat on my face.

This is a really cliche way to describe your characters. I'd suggest to try and never use it. Since this is first person, you usually don't get a good description of the main character, so don't be disheartened by it. Maybe you could say something like, "I tied my red-brown hair up in a bun and inspected myself in the mirror. I shook my head, letting it down." Or do whatever. But what youc an't do is let the reader know that your giving this info just because you think you need to. Do it where it fits in well and doesn't disrupt the story.

Caitlin looked at me, and then asked politely, ”Are you feeling well?” encouraged by this sign of willing conversation, I said, “Yea, I’m fine, just stressed.” Caitlin looked down at her feet, her black hair falling over her face. “Sorry. I am grateful for you bringing me in, it’s just that I had friends and a good lifestyle, and then my parents ruin it all by proving just what kind of scum they are!”

First off, when someone new speaks, you need to start a new paragraph, and also capitalise the "e" in "encouraged". Also, is this really the rebellious, quiet girl you talked about before? She shouldn't just be opening up like this all of a sudden without any provacation whatsoever. It needs time.

Overall this was pretty good. I liked this a lot more than most of the other stuff I've read recently and you left it with a decent cliff hanger. I'm interested. There's just a few things here and there you need to take care of, and watch out to make sure you make it clear what's happening to who. Well, that's all I've got to say. Good luck with this! (And sorry again for being a nitpick, but it's for the best, right?)