The Lie John Bowlane

You remain silent and unseen.
Nameless to my lips
but i cannot hide the scars you left.
However much so i wish i could.
These tears do not cry out for your approval.
They fall and crash on cold cement.
Where are you to lift up my sunken head?
Where were you to see these scars you left?
On cold winter nights i lead myself to believe you never were.
A ghost.
A dream.
A thought.
A foolish thought.
Yes.
To think you never were lets my mind rest easy.
Yes.
A foolish thought.

Comments & reviews · 4
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User avatar
Sanna
Comment

Thanks:)
the i things just a habit lol
I'll try to work on that

User avatar
Minniax
Review
Minniax wrote a review · Sun Dec 02, 2007 2:56 am

'Sunken' doesn't sound like quite the right word. It brings to mind images of heads with skin that's all saggy and, well, sunken. Not pretty.


Ditto on that =] I pictured something quite nasty :lol:

Other then that it's a pretty decent poem.

Like all poems, I couldn't interpret the meaning though. Hehe

User avatar
Wolf
Review
Wolf wrote a review · Sun Dec 02, 2007 2:43 am

I think you should capitalize your I's, so that it looks like this:

You remain silent and unseen.
Nameless to my lips
but I cannot hide the scars you left.
However much so I wish I could.
These tears do not cry out for your approval.
They fall and crash on cold cement.
Where are you to lift up my sunken head?
Where were you to see these scars you left?
On cold winter nights I lead myself to believe you never were.
A ghost.
A dream.
A thought.
A foolish thought.
Yes.
To think you never were lets my mind rest easy.
Yes.
A foolish thought.

But anyways, this was pretty good. I really liked the part about tears crashing on cold cement. ^.^

I only have one suggestion:

Where are you to lift up my sunken head?


'Sunken' doesn't sound like quite the right word. It brings to mind images of heads with skin that's all saggy and, well, sunken. Not pretty. :wink:

Keep writing!
Ayra :D



seeing this tag and going "oh what's this? :)" then getting slapped in the face with shady's good grammar is the worst thing that's ever happened to me
— SilverNight