Published December 16, 2011
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141,360 Literary Works • 674,381 Reviews
Well,It's my first time on young writer's society... And actually I'm a young writer...
Thank you to both of you for letting me know about my mistakes... I'll work over them...
And yeah Thank you for appreciating my work as well...
Hey there!
insanity here lol.
I'd like to start off by letting you know that because you chose such a common topic of poetry, it's very difficult to write something that sticks out. The key to having a piece that shines brighter than the rest of those stars is adding a bit of soul to it. Really pour your heart out and dig deep down to speak out what makes this such a painful experience. That's definitely something that'll be eye-catching to readers! Now, onto your poem...
"a way" and "away" are nearly the same thing. I suggest trying to either A. choose a different rhyme scheme or B. choose a different word to put in there. I also want to mention that those to first lines and short and to the point, which is a writing style that many people. The next line is longer and more flowery, with description and imagery thrown into it, which yes, it sounds lovely! But, doesn't quite flow in a poetic way since you have such blunt lines before it.
"memories become alive" is sort of awkwardly worded. Perhaps something along the lines of "memories blur with reality and force the past upon me at night". I have to say the next line is a bit too... lacking poetic description.
Perhaps "Your absence increases my anguish as time ticks by.." might work better. Try to get a better use of vocab in here!
The second line is sort of confusing and doesn't really make much sense to me..
You cannot, per say, "cry your breath out". Not only doesn't it sound strange, but it just makes it sound like your hyperventilating. you can 'cry your eyes out' or 'run dry of tears'.
"that's how each night goes by and starts another day" very awkwardly worded. It does not flow and sounds kind of forced.
Anyway, I also want to mention that you should consider removing all of the "..." at the ends of your lines, they serve no purpose and are a little bit irritating to the reader.
Keep writing!
Hello Sana! Dogs here with your review today! This is a good piece, strong imagery and strong emotion that you pour in to here so props to you on that! You did, however, face the challenge that everyone faces in trying to write a poem that rhymes, and that is rhythm and not trying to make the rhyming forced. Those are two difficult things to accomplish, especially in a rhyming poem. For example when you say:
"Memories become alive and torture me at night...
That’s when I miss you most because nothing can make me feel alright…"
Firstly I would take out the "..." because it makes this a little choppy. Secondly this line definitely sounds forced with trying to make alright rhyme with night. "can make me feel alright" there are so many better ways to say this line and still rhyme with night.
'I wonder why you came in my life when you had to leave one day...
But then I smile for a second because all the time was worth living anyway…"
Now this is a good line but you already did a rhyme with a word with "day" in it and "anyway". In a rhyming poem the key is to expand your rhyming capabilities so that you use a different rhyme ever time, every line. Furthermore a lot of your lines are very long, so when writing a poem with long lines and rhyming it really takes away from the smoothness of trying to rhyme which is not what you want to do.
Now for a more poetic point of view. This is a good piece with emotion and imagery as I said before, but the topic is overused. I read the same style of poem with the same style of words and same meaning every day time after time and I find myself writing this same thing time after time. Try to make your poem stand out from all the others. You can still use your topic but be sure to make your poem a little more unique from everything else! A few ways to do that is by:
1- Increasing your vocab. You use a lot of the same words that I see everyday and are rather boring. I suggest you broaden you vocabulary by looking up some of these boring words in a thesaurus .
2- Put even more emotion in here. This is the really big one, you do have good emotion but you need soooo much more! Your goal as an emotional writer is to make the reader feel what you are feeling, make the readers heart break for you. Do that and this poem will great!!!
Thats all I really have to say! Keep up the good work!!!
TuckEr EllsworTh