The Kite
Deep breaths accompanied by the slap of bare feet on the cobblestone path was all the boy heard. He was followed by a heaving and sputtering friend, Thomas. Thomas sounded like the new automobiles of the day and followed like the ungracious tail of a kite. He made wide turns and wasn't nearly as graceful as "The Kite" before him. "The Kite" swooped and dove, avoiding the the trees, buildings, and squawking businesslike birds, expertly. He, unlike the chubby one behind him, breathed easily. Big gulps only made his flight quicker and sharper. Turns were done with the ease of an expert race car driver on training wheels. Much to the Thomas' dismay.
Upon arrival "The Kite" gentle swooped back and forth as a paper does when falling to the ground. The energy and adrenaline was slowly diminished through the constant pacing. The blond chubby one approached, pale and exhausted. He stared at his cousin and one of very few friends. The dark haired boy smiled at him then went about the task of straightening out a letter over his knee. He moved it back and forth like a shoe shiner.
"We are the greatest!" He exclaimed looking up from his knee. The exhausted Thomas could only nod. His brain was still warming up. The lack of oxygen had clouded it. "We are like the Great William H. Russell!"
"The Kite" continued to babble about such things as the Pony Express while the flaxen haired boy caught his breath. He could never understand his cousin's obsession with the Pony Express, or always wanting to run, or play around. It was hard to comprehend that they were actually related. Even now, as he spoke of the great mail system, "The Kite" started to take off circling his cousin and flying between the birds in suits. His never ending energy had earned him his nick name "The Kite". Then, as quickly as his ascent happened, he descended again and continued to iron his letter upon his knee.
"And when William B. Waddell..." "The Kite" kept going. The blond stopped listening again. They started walking to the entrance of the building they had stopped at. "Don't you think so,Thomas?" "The Kite" ended. Thomas nodded.
"I think so too, in fact.--" he was cut off by Thomas knocking on the door.
The butler that opened the door stared at the familiar young boys' face. Thomas' pale skin went paler in the presence of the adult. He stuck his hand out silently as he had done every time past. The dark haired boy appeared from behind and played spokesperson.
"For Madam Sinclair," the familiar words drifted but were not heard by shy blond, "from Mademoiselle Ducat." The butler nodded and placed cold coins in the hand of the comatose chubster. This always awoke the boy and the butler sighed, bored of the everydayness of it all.
"Call me Alexander Majors!" "The Kite" exclaimed, excited by the thrill of delivering mail. The round blond started to sputter as he started his engine. "The Kite" was already several feet in front of him. He swooped and swerved around the things before him. All he could hear was the slap of his feet against the cobblestone path.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
He ya, Samus! Wsiegirl22 here for Review Day.
Here, bare is spelled wrong. It's not "bear", it's "bare".
"slap of bear feet"
In the first paragraph, I'm kind of confused by this whole concept. Who is this boy? Why is "The Kite" capitalized? And why is "Tail" capitalized too?
Here, you misspelled babble.
"kite continued to babel"
And how is he the kite?
This was good, other than not explaining the whole "kite and tail" thing. I'm still confused about that. But whatever. Point is, Happy Review Day, and Team Plasma for the win!
Hey Samus!
I guess I should start off with a nice, warm welcome to YWS. I hope you enjoy yourself here.
Well, in short, I kind of liked your short story. Though, I did find a tad too short, even for a short story.
What puzzled me most about it, was the fact that during my initial readthrough, I had troubles actually grasping the story. From your title and the way you open the story, I initially figured that it was a story about two kids who were out flying a kite. You know, an actual kite. Heck, at one point I considered the fact that they might even be messenger pidgeons.
Once I got to a certain point though, it was easy to simply start from the beginning again and get a full grasp on what happened as I read along. I guess the short length contributed to that.
With that said though, I actually really like the symbolic approach and imagery you used in this piece. I'd drop the nickname 'The Kite' a bit sooner though. Also, for some reason I quite like the historical reference this has to the Pony Express. A lot of that obviously comes from the dialogue between the two characters, and how weirdly enthusiastic they are (mainly the Kite) about what they are currently doing.
My main issue with this short, is the fact that I don't really see a point or narrative within it. These kids deliver a letter while they make references to the Pony Express, as well as the people associated with it. Outside of this small scene there is very little to take from the story. There are a couple of neat lines in it which could be hinting at some background story elements, but I don't think that was intentional.
Alright, I'll just do a quite overview;
Edit
Small grammatical error.
I thought this was a neat way to bring in the time period, eluding to the time when cars were just entering into the common market.
Edit
Another small one.
Suggestion
I'd link these two words together.
Edit
Quick typo.
Pretty nice outro, as it contrasts the beginning.
Alright, that's pretty much all I could comment on.
I did enjoy this short to an extent, but it could be a lot more interesting. Some of the things in it are hard to follow and confusingly written. It does have some good imagery in it though, and I liked the lack of names. In fact, I think you could have dropped the name of the chubby character and just leave it at that.
I'd be rather interesting in reading something else by you. You seem to be a decent writer and I'm sure you could cook up some cool, interesting ideas.
Until then, keep it up, Samus!
Cheers
Birkhoff
All right. Today I will be taking the role of the inconsiderate critic, and i will be teaching you some very simple rules to writing that will improve this story leaps and bounds. Please listen to my criticism, I'm not saying it to be mean, I am trying to help you. I had to read it three times to understand what was going on, and it is an adorable story.
Let's get started
1) Name the character first. I don't think you even name the main character, so I will use Thomas.The first sentence should be "Thomas was running down the cobblestone street; All he could her was the sounds of his deep breaths and his bare feet smacking the pavement."
2) Use an agressive voice, not a passive voice. Format every sentence as follows: "Character" does "Action" to "Subject." Let me give you an example.
Passive: "Thomas was crushed by a rock" or "Thomas was being chase by a bear." (I know, I'm picking on thomas.)
Agressive: "The rock crushed Thomas" "The bear chased Thomas."
I think that's enough to get you started. Go through your story and make sure every sentence is agressive. Alos, you should google "HOw to use a semicolon" There are several times when you should have. Or just look up an entire video on punctuation (It helps with the writing. A LOT).
Toodles.
Bechtel.