Mixed emotions
I hate you
the way you dress,
the way you talk
what you stand for.
I love you
the way you understand,
the way you smile,
just the way you are.
I love you
because sometimes you’re different
and you show you care.
I hate you
Because you remind me of myself
and all the things that I hate in me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
I couldn't connect with the speaker at all myself. I felt that it was so personal that I shouldn't even be reading it. If the reader can't care about the speaker then the rest of the poet's efforts are in vain- are you going to listen to someone's inner thoughts and care about them if they continue to say:
I would be better of you used your strong emotions to invoke sympathy from the reader, even by simply saying 'I hate him' or 'I really love him/her' If you get my drift. The balance is to remain just far enough away from the reader so that they can hear you whisper your message. They will be intrigued and talk a few steps closer. Show us your emotions.
Best wishes,
Eimear
I am not entirely sure, of what i think about this poem. Every fibre of my being, says no...but some obscure nymph; lurking in the depths of my mind says "yes".
Personally. What did not work about this poem, was largely it's lack of substance. It did not go anywhere meaningful. It seemed to go, on a tangent.
It also lacked any kind of interesting structure. This site, is full of well read people. So, simple format is not going to impress many people here.
You clearly have something to say, deep inside you. I think that, this is what i liked about it. That, there was a kind of honesty.
Stick with it, and try hard. Take on everything that is advised & I'm sure you will be wonderful.
Good luck!
~kris~
Conceptually the poem was good. I can feel a certain amount of emotion, but not much when I put it in retrospect, so build on all of that.
Like pieman said, it lacked imagery. Without imagery thrown here and there your poem disconnects from your audience. It becomes very... how should I put this, selfish? You obviously weren't thinking about a personal connection to your reader. You were writing for you, and not thinking at all about the person at the computer screen.
Another problem I had was the way you organized the poem. You had it going: hate, love, love, hate. I think you would increase the impact of the poem by starting with the loves, going on to hates, and bringing love and hate together somehow.
My last qualm was the lack of punctuation. Putting a pause or two in your poem can be very good. It helps with the impact, which is ultimately what your poem lacked.
Hope this helps!
Um, where do I begin. I really just don't like it at all. There is no real idea behind it, imagery is no where to be found, and I don't understand what is going on. I understand this must have been a means to vent, but you still need to make it a good poem.
1.) Imagery. You need your feeling to represent something. If you're made at someone use something to show the reader that. Events in school, compare the hate or love to something, anything.
2.) Explain yourself better. You hate him and love him for very plain reasons. Expand on them. Adding imagery will help that too.
3.) Grammar. Your spelling is fine, but you need to add more punctuation so the poem flows better. Adding comas and breaks is part of being a poet. just reread it and add punctuation where you believe they should be.
That's it. Good Luck!