Close enough to kiss.
Close enough to touch.
Yet they stood barely moving…
Slowly the tempo rise,
And their bodies with it.
They move like parts of each other.
Looking at them you begin to feel alone,
Longing to feel what they do,
To be a part of them,
To become the magic,
The magic of the dance.
Fingers caressing every curve,
He holds her and she holds him,
Like a loved one, a soul mate,
And just like that.
You are captivated.
Your entire body falls into it,
The trap that is the dance,
All you are able to do is wait.
Watch and wait in awe,
Until the music releases you,
And when it does instantly you regret it.
Its memory stains your soul,
Emptiness fills you,
Until the day the dance catches you again.
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hi Samsal,
This might have been a cute piece had there not been imagery speedbumps hastily plunged in to arbitrary spaces, jolting the reader out of immersion into the poem. Read lines like these to yourself, aloud:
These above lines are barren of any kind of relation to the reader's senses. What exactly is one supposed to think of when you say "And just like that"? There's literally nothing in that line to anchor into the reader's mind. No sight, smell, touch, taste, etc. All human emotions and thoughts are based in physical feelings at the fundamental level; never forget that. Saying things like "you instantly regret it" is, as they say, showing and not telling. This is generally to be avoided in any work that wishes to convey an equivalent amount of thinking and feeling, as poetry does.
You have an idea here that can be worked with, but the presentation was a failure. Put this poem away and start with an image - for example, the two lovers pressed nose to nose, breath from one disappearing in a haze against the other's lips. Expand around that image, subtly hinting at the storyline and the meaning of the poem. Use an image as your seed from which to plant a lush jungle of life within the words you create.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
Ah Sageleaf I was trying to explain what it feels like when you see someone dancing and you feel like you could join them, I cant look away from the dancing. You find yourself watching in awe and you feel when you look at it all the emotions. Luckystar if I added anything about the person being dumped or anything. It would take away from the dance how the person felt watching the dancers. This was supposed to be about something catching someone's interest in a way that they wish that they could become a part of it but at the same time it catches them so that they cant even move to do anything about they feel, nor do they want too. Thanks for the reviews, I really appreciated you guys taking the time to do that.=)
Hey! I like your idea; to me it seems very soft and sweet! Is this poem describing something that happened to you? I belive that if you added a little more description of your veiw of the situation (was it your frinds dancing, or just anybody; what was your role- watching from the sidelines, ect.?) Also, I don't quite understand what you were trying to say in the last section
Are you trying to say that you started dancing? Or that you can't look away from the dancing?
Other than that, I like it!
Sageleaf
Hiya Samsal! My name is Star, and I'll be your reviewer for today! I was thinking a few things here. The first one was that you probably threw this together in about ten minutes, yes? Not that that hampers the way it's written, but often time it does. Like here, all your talking about is dancing. Don't get me wrong, I love to dance, especially like nobody's watching, but is this all the reader wants to hear about? How the dance is? And to be honest, it doesn't make mush sense, either. Look:
The tempo rise? Whaaat? The tempo *rises.
Now, I get where you're coming from:
"Oh, it's so sweet, the dance, the couple, the way they move!"
But if you ask me, it could be a little more original. How about the person watching just got dumped and is thinking of their lover? That would put a twist to it, and grab the interest of the reader a little more.
Of course, these are suggestions. I did like it, though! I look forward to reading mor works from you!
~Star