Young Writers Society

quietloud798 wrote:The three verse stanzas are a bit odd like the others said.

hahahah, wow.

Just, just great.

Beyond me laughing at just being caught off guard by half of it, it is very well put together, its one of those poems that basically embodies the 'No, dont" feeling we all get every once and a while.

I liked it, and as for improvements, well they've all been pointed out so all I can say is good job regardless.

This is so so true.
But at some parts it's kind of hard to read.
The three verse stanzas are a bit odd like the others said.
Also, I couldn't really get a rythmn going either.
Your lines are short, then long, then short, and doesn't carry throughout the whole piece, and consistency makes it much easier to read.
Other then that though, it was very good.

thank u both...

Samsal wrote:I wish you wouldn’t look at me that way,
With lust in your eyes,
As you slowly examine me.

I wish you wouldn’t lick your lips,
As you look at the swell of my breast,
Though small, and stare at my [s]lips[/s]. "Lips" twice..not...

Wish you wouldn’t make advances at me
And tell me how pretty I look,
while trying to brush up against me. Why is "and" with caps? Next verse is still the same sentence but it was spelled normally...

I wish you didn’t try to feel
the roundness of my hips
And the contours of my body.

Wish you wouldn’t regard me
as something to feed a hunger, how can you feed a hunger? ...your idea of contrast is good but not the work that you did with it...
like some piece of meat.

Did you ever wonder my name?
My goals? My dreams?
I am a human being!
I will not allow myself to be used.

I pity you!
For this is how you live your life,
feeding off of others!

I will not let you bring me down.
You are beneath
and I am better. [s]than you ever will ever know
And ever will be.[/s]

Hello! I really did love this poem. However, I believe some nitpicks will be necessary, no?

Samsal wrote:I wish you wouldn’t look at me that way Delete the "that way". It works fine without that, and it shortens the line so it flows better.
With lust in your eyes,
As you slowly examine me.

Wish you wouldn’t lick your lips,
As you look at the swell of my breast Yeah, I know how feel here. xD
Though small and stare at my lips. Comma after small to seperate the thoughts.

Wish you wouldn’t make advances at me
And tell me how pretty I look, You don't need this comma.
while trying to brush up against me

I wish you didn’t try to feel, Again, you don't need this comma.
the roundness of my hips
And the contours of my body

Wish you wouldn’t regard me
as something to feed a hunger,
like some piece of meat.

Did you ever wonder my name?
My goals? My dreams?
I am a human being!
I will not allow myself to be used. There're some wonderful lines in this stanza; however, the four-line doesn't fit with the three-line stanzas that dominate this poem.

I pity you.
For this is how you live your life,
feeding off of others

I will not let you bring me down.
You are beneath
I am better than you ever will ever know
And ever will be. Again, this four-line stanza doesn't fit.