Dreams and Aspirations

by Samsal
  • September 16, 2009
  • Poetry
  • Other

Dedication shows,
Perspiration leading to success.
A spark of Inspiration
like a light in the dark,
bright colours in shades of grey,
Making you hope for a change

Reaching out,
Faith giving us hopes to succeed.
Dreams and Aspirations
like a toy to a child,
food for the hungry,
The prospect of a better tomorrow.

Falling down,
Tears changing nothing
that was once gained.
Setbacks and Distractions
like tests of life,
a thorn in a rose,
Teaching us lessons along the way

Rising again,
A spark of Inspiration
Dreams and Aspirations
Setbacks and Distractions
With some Faith and Perspiration
Hoping for success
We get up and continue on….

Comments & reviews · 5
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sazza_1996 Comment
sazza_1996 commented · Fri Sep 18, 2009 12:41 pm

Well, this is really well written but don't forget to capitalise the first letter in every sentence apart from that it was really good! :)

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Samsal
Comment
Samsal commented · Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:33 pm

Dedication shows,
Perspiration leading to success. << We have to sweat to do well? I don’t like this. I understand you're trying to link in hard work, but I think it could be done in a better way.
A spark of Inspiration << not very original
like a light in the dark, << a spark signals light to me. exactly
bright colours in shades of grey, << Okay, I get what you’re trying to do, but you don’t really use this image again. I think it needs delving into if you’re going to use it.
Making you hope for a change

Reaching out,
Faith giving us hopes to succeed. << What else do you hope for? It feels like you’ve wasted this idea.
Dreams and Aspirations
like a toy to a child, << that’s what children want, so it doesn’t work as a simile....exactly our dreams and aspirations are what we want
food for the hungry, << same problem as before
The prospect of a better tomorrow. << Why? What happened today? When i say tomorrow i mean't like in the future..we work hard hoping that somewhere in the future our hopes and dreams will come true

Falling down, << because of what? Were you pushed? What did it feel like? road blocks
Tears changing nothing << expand, tears can help us let our emotions out. yes they can but if you sit and cry about it doesnt change the fact that the road to success is hard.
that was once gained. << I don’t really understand this line. this is the ending of the above line
Setbacks and Distractions << why capitalised?
like tests of life, << are the tests of life.
a thorn in a rose, << you don’t get thorns in roses, around them, make it seem like a cage that you have to fight through or something. yeah i fought with this line too...i didnt think it fit so well either
Teaching us lessons along the way << the way to where? What lessons? What does this have to do with hopes and dreams? these things tests us..make us question what we want

Rising again,
A spark of Inspiration
Dreams and Aspirations
Setbacks and Distractions
With some Faith and Perspiration
Hoping for success
We get up and continue on…. << I would lose the on here, it breaks it up, it flows better without. i struggled with this line too something was wrong with it

Thanks for going through my poem and telling me what you thought of every line i really appreciate it. You dont know how much, but i thought if i told you where i was going with the whole idea you'd understand better where i was coming from. Thanks again for all the help=D

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Samsal
Comment
Samsal commented · Thu Sep 17, 2009 10:12 pm

Thank you to all those who commented. It really helped and I really appreciate it =)

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roon
Review
roon wrote a review · Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:28 pm

Hello there! Roon here! This was great, really caught my eye, on with the nitpicks!

Dedication shows,
Perspiration leading to success. << We have to sweat to do well? I don’t like this. I understand you're trying to link in hard work, but I think it could be done in a better way.
A spark of Inspiration << not very original
like a light in the dark, << a spark signals light to me.
bright colours in shades of grey, << Okay, I get what you’re trying to do, but you don’t really use this image again. I think it needs delving into if you’re going to use it.
Making you hope for a change

Reaching out,
Faith giving us hopes to succeed. << What else do you hope for? It feels like you’ve wasted this idea.
Dreams and Aspirations
like a toy to a child, << that’s what children want, so it doesn’t work as a simile
food for the hungry, << same problem as before
The prospect of a better tomorrow. << Why? What happened today?

Falling down, << because of what? Were you pushed? What did it feel like?
Tears changing nothing << expand, tears can help us let our emotions out.
that was once gained. << I don’t really understand this line.
Setbacks and Distractions << why capitalised?
like tests of life, << are the tests of life.
a thorn in a rose, << you don’t get thorns in roses, around them, make it seem like a cage that you have to fight through or something.
Teaching us lessons along the way << the way to where? What lessons? What does this have to do with hopes and dreams?

Rising again,
A spark of Inspiration
Dreams and Aspirations
Setbacks and Distractions
With some Faith and Perspiration
Hoping for success
We get up and continue on…. << I would lose the on here, it breaks it up, it flows better without.

Okay, so I like the end where you repeat the ideas, I just think the ideas could be better. Also, you’re uneven with your capitals. Don’t capitalise every line, it breaks the flow. Punctuate as you would a normal sentence. Or don’t punctuate.

I don’t think you really explore your imagery as well as I would like to see, as it is a wonderful poem, and you have a lot of stunning ideas in it. But you need to let them grow. Make us feel something with the poem. Your similes aren’t actually similes, they’re just what different people hope for, put it as that, it’s distracting.

You also stray off topic a little. You need to link your ideas better. Try to put a personal touch into this poem.

Other than that, it was wonderful. I know I seem to have picked a lot of faults, but I really enjoyed it. Everyone can relate, we’ve all been knocked down, we’ve all got up again. Well done, it was a very enjoyable read. Let me know if you post more and want another review. If you have a question about, or a problem with, anything I’ve said, PM me, thank you for your time, and thanks for posting!

~ Roon

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MissMiaFacinelli
Review
MissMiaFacinelli wrote a review · Thu Sep 17, 2009 12:51 pm

Wow.
This was a really awesome poem. Your choice of language really made me think, and I don't think the fact you didn't have a rhyme scheme affected your poem at all.
Just make sure you're careful with the capitals! Capitalise the first word of each line, don't forget!

Apart from that, it was great.

Keep writing!
Pgsgirl x



I wondered why we put villains in our stories when we have plenty of them in real life; then I realized that maybe we wanted stories where the good guy wins.
— nogutsnoglory