I have come to a realization
That I will never be fully free
Someone will always be over me
No matter what I do
Or how hard a I try
I'm never completely in control
Not even my own mind
Or life
Or death
At first it hurt
Felt weird, like dirt
But I've accepted the fact
That nothing's abstract
There's no such thing
As being a king
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140,913 Literary Works • 673,731 Reviews
Hello Sammmwich! Incoming review!
These lines are very short in comparison to the rest of your poem. All the other lines are on the shorter end of medium length. It throws the rhythm off. You can try adding things to the lines like, "I can't control life/ I can't control death." So it's more like you are saying it out loud like you just came to the realization out of the blue.I see this is a great and simple poem, pleasing to read and brings be back to my old days of poetry! With that said let me get on to the review!
I'll start with critiques.
With this line I would suggest adding "over" to the line so it ties in with the previous line.
This will be my last critique. The thing I'll say here is the rhyming is clumsy. Your use of words like "dirt" and "king" don't fit with the tone of your poem and it feels like you shoehorned in some rhymes to keep it going. Personally, when I'm writing a poem in my head if I have rhymes that flow together, I will typically have that poem be rhyming. But if I have a poem that is just free verse in my mind I won't add rhymes so it fits the preconceived image of a poem. If you have something to say but it doesn't rhyme you don't need it to rhyme.
That's it for critiques, let me praise your work now! These opening lines are spectacular. They got me hooked and made me want to read more. And the whole poem reminds me of those dreaded existential crises I have every month that one day I'll die but yours is more about the loss of control. I don't have much else to say, the topic was great.
But that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of it useful! Oh and also a belated welcome to YWS I hope you have a wonderful time here! Keep writing my friend, you can only get better. Anyway byeeeeeeeee
Thank you for your input:)
I enjoyed this poem.I believe lots of people,myself included,have felt out of control with the world,as if we could never truly have our own say,no matter how hard we tried.My favorite parts in the poem were these lines:”There’s no such thing as being a King.” These lines let us,the readers,know that you can’t have everything you dreamed of.Lovely job and I hope you have a wonderful day/night.
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