Time

Hey-a Sam!

Well. This is a short work. And I can pretty much guarantee this review won't be very long, either. c: So without further ado, here are a few of my thoughts:

Random little note, but I thought it interesting that you posted this at this time of the year, considering those opening sentences. The year ain't over yet! At least not where I live.

I'm going to agree with Kays, and say it was too short. You haven't personalized it, and made it your own. And for opening with "Another year has come and gone", you really haven't told us much about the year. How is it different this time through? But yet, how has nothing changed? (that statement intrigued me) What specifically do you love to learn in school? "Everything!" you may say. Like... what?
You can say so much more about each of these sentences, but you summarized it all up into this short paragraph. I would like more.

I will admit, I thought this piece sounded almost poetic. (It was probably those last two sentences that gave me that thought). But I enjoyed the lightness of it all. It flowed together nicely, and while it does need quite a bit more expansion, I liked the overall thought.

My apologies that this review is so short. I hope you got something out of it!
Have a fantastic day, Sam, and keep up the writing!
cheers,
-rosette

Hi there Samk642! This is Kays here dropping in for a review on an early Wednesday morning. I saw this in the Green Room and thought 'Why not?' and now I'm here. Without making the intro any longer, let's jump right in.

I wanted more substance. That is the first comment that I can make here seeing as this is only seven sentences long or to be more specific, only four lines long. There's not a lot to talk about, actually. I believe that this may be better suited as a wallpost if this is going to be as brief as it is but that's a personal view. I can also see that this is in the 'Other' section and want elaboration. Go into further depth about time and your experiences with the progress of existence.

Let's get philosophical, you know? I'm talking a bit more directly here but this brings me up onto a similar second point I wanted to make--anyone can write this. Nobody can write your own experiences because nobody is the same person but this is vague enough that anyone can write this. I wanted more from this because there's not a lot to go off of and while from the audience's point of view we can see that the speaker loves to learn (I assume the speaker is you in this case because these are 'just my random jumble of thoughts' quoting from the description) and the speaker loves change.

That in itself tells a lot to the reader but at the same time, tells so little. I can write a four lined work on why change can make me uncomfortable or majorly toss me out of my comfort zone but the reader wouldn't ever know why I felt that way without me opening up with personal experiences. I can see this best becoming a memoir which is basically a collection of memories written from your own personal experiences and the theme can be time. This means that the writing can be more in-depth and a bit more lengthy even though length doesn't equal quality.

I will however make a couple of notes on the current draft starting off with that in the third sentence 'through' doesn't need to be there and neither do the two commas. There doesn't need to be a comma in the fourth sentence and that sentences four and five are better connected because 'but' is generally used to connect an independent clause to a dependent clause which means that five sentence as of now doesn't work on its own. In the sixth sentence 'and to grow' is better in flow than in 'and grow some more'.

Finally, in the seventh sentence a comma doesn't need to be after 'passed' and instead the seventh and last sentence should be connected with a comma. Overall I can see that there's potential here but that potential isn't quite unlocked yet! Keep working and playing around with this, Sam.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! Have any more review requests? Be sure to check out my Will Review For Food thread! I hope I helped and have a great day.