ANIME in our world WHAT!
I was training with my stick with my friends. We where all joking about ninja's ever being in our world. My friends where Zachariah, Icky, Brad, and my name well that would be Tamara. Sure we watched all those ninja anime shows we'd pick out the parts we like the best when we where training. We didn't have parents we were all adopted, my eyes where gold with a hint of blue in small bursts. If I where to pick out the boy I liked the most from Naruto it would be the one with the glasses Shino. In the good guys department and them in the Akatsuki it would have to be Kismae. Yeah I know the blue dude get over it. I was an excellent swimmer myself by the way. I had read all of the Stories of the Immortal Legacy. I was into the hunter's and huntress's war more than anyone in my group of friends. Which made my friends roll there eyes but do they say anything against the way we train under there style. Nope none of them.
We were gathered in an abandoned hotel the old ball room was cracked with age. The granite only had the shine because we worked our backs to bring it out. We'd stay nights here in the haunted hotel. It was built in the late 1800's when ball room dancing was still a life skill that everyone needed and they took pride in. the bank owned it now but as us friends said we'd go out into the world make money to put into the old hotel bringing it back to its former state. Brad's dad was the Bank manager who was planning on doing the same thing. We where a small town surrounded by large cities. All in walking distance of each other. So in a matter of speaking we were a small neighborhood in between the large cities. So the rich people lived here. There was only one difference between my friends and I. My friends all had families and I lived in this hotel as far back as I can remember my imaginary friend was a black dragon. With the name of Susi, he was kind to me and always called me Yuki. I never understood when my name was clearly Tamara.
We were all in our last year of highschool I turned around to sing as the other left. The floors still cold to the touch. I thought I was all alone as I fell asleep on the floor Susi appeared to me warning me that some unwelcome guests would appear out of then air. I heard a crash and thump as more than what my friends would make coming into the ball room. I curled up around my stuff protectively. I grabbed my knife aiming at the noise as it got closer stumbling. Until the being was standing over me I lashed out kicking the person in the stomach landing onto my feet with one quick motion. When my eyes had opened they glared with a gleam as they looked over the familiar people standing before me. I stood there stunned.
They where from Naruto. There was Naruto, Sakura, Kakashi, Yamato , Sai, Kiba, Shino, Hinita, Kurenai, Guy, Lee, Neji, Ten-ten, Ino, Choji, Shikamaru, and Asuma. I started to back away from the people staring at me I tossed my bag away as I went into defense stance. As if I could ever go against all the strong ninja. But I wasn't the kind of girl to not defend her territory,
“How did you tread into my domain?” I questioned aloud with authority.
“We have no clue how we all got here.” they had all said in unison.
I sighed a little as I relaxed a little.
“Why are you here?” I questioned now with deadly eyes.
The training stick was strongly being held in my fingers my knuckles turning white, as I was flipping out inside. What am I going to do I couldn't ever take on all of them. Maybe if it was just one even then there was only so much a huntress can be taught.
“Well it looked like you where dead in the center of the ball room.” Kakashi pointed out.
“Well what if the ball room floor is my bed and has been since I was six years old.” I snapped defensively of my child hood home and current home .
They all stepped to one side as I slid the training stick down knowing I could never take all them on but I didn't let go just incase one decided to attack me.
“May we stay here until we figure out where we are?” Kurenai asked politely.
I twitched as I thought it through.
“Alright as long as you don't mess with the bedrooms here, they all have mold. This building is abandoned if you haven't noticed. My friends and I had already decided to bring it back to its hay day. But with running water and electricity. Other wise its better if you sleep in here its the warmest in the winter and coldest in the summer. Okay other wise we could fix up some of the rooms. I can show you the ones that have been worked on and are more liveable than the others.” I motioned.
I found one master suit with five beds that had been moved into it. I checked the floors bouncing my weight on it as the girls where entering. The floors creaked and whined. I frowned, picking Dexter and felix off the rafters. They where my pet bats, the girls screamed at the bats hanging upside down in my hand. I raised a brow as I covered the bats ears. I moved them into a closet. The boys stared at me questioningly.
“You people just wish you had pet bats named Dexter and Felix.” I smiled.
They rolled there eyes. I pulled out the clean bed sheets, hand washed by the way. I pulled out five sets as I walked back into the room testing the beds real quick before they sat down on one. They where all stable. Thanks to Zachariah's amazing welding skills. The new bed frame's looked identical to the older ones. The older where rusted and made of iron. Heavy things they where, I opened a window wedging it with a loose brick.
“Okay ladies are you good in here?” I asked nicely.
“Its kind of dusty but that doesn't matter, the beds are the softest things we've ever sat on.” Sakura chirped.
She had plopped down on the Feather mattress.
“Thats because there Feather mattresses, made in the old days so if it goes flat your supposed to fluff it up but it stirs dust more so just tell me and I'll take it outside to fluff.” I added as I left.
“Thank you,” the girls chirped.
Okay I popped my knuckles as I thinking while counting the heads of boys and then thinking of the rooms most fit for ruff housing teens. I picked out the quite types first.
“Okay room 18, 14, and 12 it is.” I nodded.
“The rowdiest should take room 12, the quite silent teens should take room 14, and then the adults should take room 18.” I nodded.
I led Naruto, Kiba, Choji, Lee, To room 12 where it was obvious this room had been worked on the most the work dust was piled in the corners. The adults laughed when the boys piled up on one bed that was a mix between old and jigged up. Then I left the door open there noise filling the old hotel. It was 2 in the morning the time I usually start working. I found room 14 after jiggling the handle until the click of it unlocking was heard. I opened the door showing still worked on but slightly less than the other. The piles in the corner where a different color since the wood in each room seemed a bit different than the other. Or at least it seemed like that to me. I heaved the two wooden windows open letting the fresh air clean the stale air. The sunlight of the rising sun was starting to show through the tree branches. I glared at the bugs crawling over Shino's hand. I pointed to his bugs.
“Don't bring cockroaches and well be fine. I just don't like bugs being here because they've already destroyed so much of this old hotel. So sir, please keep your bug collection away from the hotel please.”
I motioned to the rotten boards showing a wood cockroach eating away at the rotting board as I picked it up. Reframing from killing the wood cockroach. It was a prime example, I turned on my heels as I told the adults to stay put until I returned. I had tossed the rotten wood into the compost heap. Returning in only a few minutes time I pushed onward to the least worked on room there was only the total of eighteen rooms. Which was sad in one way but the rooms had decent size to make up for it. Eighteen usable rooms. There was more upstairs but even I didn't dare go up there. The sport beams where almost all rotted away, you could take one step and fall thru. I'm surprised that the floors where able. I walked away from the stairs jumping to the door. I pulled out the silver key, this was the only door with a working lock on it. I unlocked the door with ease I had oiled the gears and nob the last time I had worked on it.
“If it makes you happy this room is the only one with a working lock, and a matching key. That I have yet to find. Theres over 36 keys in the lobby and all different metals, of gold, copper, silver, iron, bronze. Each representing for what class it was. Like with the silver and gold it was higher class so you would know it would be higher Quality back in its hay day. The only disadvantage here is there is no running water or electricity. So we work by candle light and sun light. There's a near by stream that is used for drinking/ bathing water. But mostly the water for here is from a pump well in the kitchen. Your more than welcome to have some water.” I went into history teacher mode.
“Should we be paying you to stay here?” Yamato wondered aloud.
I raised a brow, “No, because I don't really own the building I own it with my friends. All four of us will restore the building. But at the moment its barely livable anyways that is. So why would I make you pay to be in a room that may have mold and dust floating around.” I inquired.
“Oh, so is there mold?” he questioned again.
I shrugged my shoulders, “Beets me, even though I lived here for so long its so dry here that the rainy season comes it pours and then it just sets for awhile before the sun dries it up. Now if you excuse me I'm going to go work on the roof.” I nodded.
“Do you need any help?” the four questioned.
“Maybe later.” I smiled
I ran out of the old entrance the broken glass had grazed my skin I hadn't even noticed that it had cut me until the sweat was pouring into it. I was nearly finished with the roof. I was walking like a pro on the slanted surfaces. There was a giant sky light over the ball room with shadersliers. I washed the glass gently as I re-sealed the around the corners of the glass panels. I smiled as I stood on the edge of the panels as I whipped my sweat off my face I had forgot that was where my cut was and I cursed as I looked at the red wound. I sighed as I jumped off with the trees helping me loose speed as I fell with style. I landed softly on the ground walking towards the stream. The water was crystal clean it had came from an underground chasm, that came out for a mile and then went back underground. The water was rather peaceful unless you where near the entrance of the chasm which was deadly. I stuck my arm into the rapids as the water beat against my cut cleaning the wound out. A faint pink color filled the water as I pulled my arm out. The cut was at least an 1/2 inch deep four inches long. I cursed again as I ripped part of my pants to wrap around my new wound. I stood back up picking up some things to make a herbal cream to put on it. I entered the kitchen when Susi appeared behind me pulling off the strip of fabric on my arm.
“Dear you need to stop being so reckless” he huffed.
“I try my best not to be it just happens alright Susi.”
I commented as I was grinding the herbs in the small mixing bowl. The thick paste had formed I stuck a finger into the sweetly smelling herb mix. It burned as it came into the wound. I bit my lip as I made sure it was and even coat of herb mixture. I found some gaze wrapping the wound up. I looked at the clock. 12:00 in after noon. I sighed as I set down the bowl washing it out with some water. I dried the bowl setting it back onto the shelf. I looked as the others all had migrated back into the ball room. I pulled out cleaning supplies. They had not been so kind to the flooring tracking mud onto the marble surface. Whether it was there fault or not. The cleanest surface was always the marble flooring. I splashed clorox from one corner and started scrubbing from one corner to the other. They kind of figured that I was working on the dried mud clumps on the soft granite that they where not allowed to where shoes in the ball room.
They left returning with just socks on. I nodded as I was wincing as my arm began to ache. I bit my lip as I stood back up my back popping in every joint. Relieving serious tension in my spine. Brad had entered the Ball room dropping the bag he was carrying holding up the little group of followers. I sighed as I slid over in my socks.
“Happen to notice the morning surprise I woke up to.” I pointed back at the ninja.
“Why didn't you flash the light signal when your in trouble!” he exclaimed pointing out the fact of having a flash light and he being the nearest living friend who's bedroom window over looked the ball room glass front.
“Well you wake up to seventeen people staring at you in the middle of the Ball room floor with only a stick as a possible tool to protect thy self with.” I snapped back as we where walking back into the center of the Ball room. Icky shook there hands welcoming them to the Grand Pr hotel for the time being. And had said that if they ever needed anything food based to tell me to call her.
I rolled my eyes, I hooked up the small stereo system to Brad's Mp3 player. 'I'm not your boyfriend' by Gorillas On Drums started up. I smiled as my friends started to warm up. Another visitor appeared her familiar voice made me turn around faster than a bullet.
“Seems like you just can't keep out of trouble can you?” Nisan mused
“Sis!” I exclaimed
Nisan aka Nantaya, my sister not by blood. She was my guardian for as far back as I could remember. She was getting her Dr.'s degree in college she had been gone for over eight years. I know that a doctors degree takes longer but she was able to achieve so much greater over a time span of eight years she was a brain child. Who could run on little sleep, and grades always A+'s every time.
“Will you cook for us Nisan!” the four of us coursed
Nantaya down at us with a slight frown, before picking up her bag.
“Suske, you should come in we might be late to the cosplay convention.” she sighed.
“YES!” the four of us chirped.
All of us going different directions spreading out to gather things so she could cook them. Susi and I left the old hotel I rod on his back as we took off into the evening sky. We arrived into a forest where I gathered some veggies and Susi killed some deers. We arrived back at the old hotel in under ten minutes. I hauled the two dead deer into the kitchen which was a separate building off the Ball room. I cleaned the deer and returned to the ball room. Suske had just locked his old ford mustang. The seats had been worn with age. It was a passed down to him by his father or at least thats what he told me. I shrugged as we sat down on the cold marble when Suske entered Naruto jumped up to tackle Suske with a fire passion. Suske was skilled enough to dodge all the latching attacks.
“SASuke!” he yelled.
“No, I'm Suske, But I've been told there is a resembles lots of times.” he conformed with a brisk nod peeling out of the grip of the orange ninja.
Naruto looked even more depressed now as he let go but still was unsure wither what Suske said the truth. And last time I checked his eyes where really sky blue, he was wearing contacts that make them look onyx.
“See I thought that would happen Suske, thats why you shouldn't dress up as the same person every cosplay convention you go to with Nisan.” I said matter-of-factly.
“I see you must of gotten in some trouble for those blokes to randomly appear like that. What have you gotten into Voodoo?” he joked.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Funny details. Sympathetic protagonist. The storyline's speedy progress.
pros:
I would note a few points that play to the benefit of the story:
1) the protagonist talks and thinks, as a teenager, and that's good;
2) the protagonist’s pets are bats and it is a great idea, it is generating us interest in the protagonist;
3) also the bugs crawling over Shino's hand is a great gimmick;
cons:
1) the appearance of unwelcom guests is rather abruptly, the scene was not set for it;
2) for a long time it is not clear what is the main conflict of the story;
Nice story! I have no issues with it. It's rather creative but also quite funny. Please continue!
This is a good start, storyline-wise. It seems to me that you've already planned out everything from the plot to the characters, and all the problems are really your grammar, punctuation, and word choices. Some sentences are missing periods, there needs to be a semicolon in some places, some spelling errors, etc. Other than that, I like this, because I am an avid anime-lover myself and would love to write pieces like this. So correct what's needed to be done, and please let me know when there's more to come.
Defiantly more to come. The only problem with me, is I don't tend to see where I screw up, at with the grammar and my friends have other things to do since school has started but i will try to get them to look at it.