This was...alright. I didn't really like the flow of the whole thing and I you really need help on grammer and vocabulary and punctuation. It was bland mostly and I wasn't interested by any means. It seems like you were trying to stay on one subject but accidently (if it was an accident) went on to other subjects. It didn't help your poem at all and with some severe editing I think this could turn out alright. Try more description, this either was too narritive or not narritive by any means.
Keep trying and welcome to YWS!
Points: 4890
Reviews: 516
Donate