On the deathbed

This was...alright. I didn't really like the flow of the whole thing and I you really need help on grammer and vocabulary and punctuation. It was bland mostly and I wasn't interested by any means. It seems like you were trying to stay on one subject but accidently (if it was an accident) went on to other subjects. It didn't help your poem at all and with some severe editing I think this could turn out alright. Try more description, this either was too narritive or not narritive by any means.

Keep trying and welcome to YWS!

Samar--


Unless this was intended as a joke, it failed.

The linebreaks appear to be arbitrary, and when read alound it has a lurching quality, unconnected to sonics or narrative. Striding and hustling aren't mutually supportive.

Content-wise, it is a simple and uninteresting linear narrative (see introductory comment). The last line with its groping, ersatz intensity is almost laughable.

My suggestion for this poem is to find a decent trash can and deposit existing printed copies forthwith. It's poorly conceived and weakly executed.


Take care,
Brad

It was kind of difficult to understand the first time but after I reread it, I understood colpletely. You did this one right because I felt the speaker's pain through the words.

The poem did its job.

hello again!
thi spoem sure has a lot of power and feeling and i enjoy this kind of poetry.

you really need to punctuate your work but apart from that i think, i flow, choice of words and theme is great!

Before I get into anything too messy, I'd like to say Welcome to YWS! I haven't seen you around here before!

First I would like to guide you to my article, Punctuation & Poetry. Read it, take it in, understand it, use it to your advantage.

Second, I want to point out the subject of your poem. When writing something that has to do with emotions, the author is often times selfish and thinks only of themselves and said feelings that they wish to write about, but it should be the other way. You always have to keep in mind your reader, always, always. Make your reader feel what you are feeling, don't just tell them. Give us a reason to care about you, and this other person, and your feelings and relationships. Otherwise, without care, why should we read it?

Sometimes you rhyme, sometimes you don't, its good to be random like this when you've had enough practice under your belt but for now its best to stick to patterns. Try creating a rhyme scheme rather than randomness, and perhaps create a syllable pattern?

I'm only assuming you are new to poetry, and if you aren't, forgive me. The best way to get better with poetry, is to read poetry! So read away, girl, and you'll get better in no time! I hope my advice helped!

I know I never gave a real "I liked it"/"I didn't like it" comment, but I'm working with it to make it better, with this piece, I really have no opinion right now