OK...I'm going to do the Incandescence sort of meditative no-capitals thing...
you know, I used to think that
the whole sixth-grade-supposed-love thing
was overrated but
can I dream?
you're beautiful, I know everyone
thinks that but
still
can one more girl after you hurt?
like you know that
sometimes the things you do have
deeper meanings like
a compliment or a
phone call
or just a hint as to what
the answer to number twelve is.
*woah that felt good*
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,004 Literary Works • 672,792 Reviews
*snickers* I couldn't figure out whether to not read this age old thing out of respect or to poke at it for kicks and giggles.
as well as the fact that anything I say probably doesn't matter because you won't even touch this--or poetry--ever again?
It's so flow of consciousness. I like the very last part, though. Even though this is old as dirt, that last line is so you. It's like talking politics in closets in stead of doing dirty things. I'd love to see you write poetry now, it would be interesting to see what beautiful animal falls out of your mouth.
I feel slightly weird critiquing this because I know you'll see me critiquing it and freak out because I critiqued it.
You should write a poem about love and anti-consumerist scriptwriters and politics in closets. That would make me happy.
AH-HA! a poem I haven't reviewed. At last!
Anyway, I liked this poem. It was interesting but there is some points I'd like to bring up...DUN DUN DUN daaa...
I really like that whole part right there, nice line break bee tween the last and second to last lines.
This part is good, but as Firestarter said the last line I needed to read twice to understand.
...you should move the "have" to the next line, because right now the line can have a double meaning. Actually more like a half meaning because it doesn't connect to the rest of the poem. But either way it just reads better.
The ending is so perfect, it adds that little bit of childish (whimsy?) that you were kind of hinting at in the poem. OVERALL It was shortish and sweet, a perfect capture of the sixth grade "supposed romance"
its good in its own way but it needs a title
stop...being...chatty...gah! That's what i'm trying to do, trying to find my own style...I'm just not as into it as I used to be...
I somehow feel a sense of gratification in knowing that I've spawned some kind of mimicking. Probably not a good thing, though, for you. You have to find what expresses you best, and while this did it well, I was not thoroughly convinced this is your best work. "Well, nothing will ever be perfect"--someone who says this obviously hasn't written anything beautiful or meaningful to them. This was not your perfection on display. I commend you, because you did a fairly decent job of mocking my poetry style. The ending was nice, not powerful, but I don't think you were trying to get that, either. The way the poem mellifluously grazed from one topic to the next led me to believe this is supposed to be for sheer entertainment and not purposeful. It's a definite improvement from your other work, but please don't contribute it to somehow thinking it's because you used my style of writing. You have your own voice, and that's what I want to see.
well, I'm just imitating for now...trying to get back into the poetic rut.
good in a kid sort of way...you need a title
Hm. Whatever.
All I can say is,
Your effort to imitate is distinctively visible.
thanks guys! It's on my to do list...
I agree with Firestarter about those two points. Nice question, but the second 'like' has to go. Also, its a good poem, but it kind of....just....stops. Dead. Like, nowhere to go. You had a nice flow going there but now its still leaking after you're apparently finished. It needs something to stop it up (sorry to use a metaphor but you know what I mean). Did you get interrupted mid-thought? Thats what it sounds like. I'd say rewrite or add on to the ending to make it stop gracefully (we have a head-on collision at the end right now). Other than that its quite good, could maybe use some jazzing up, a bit more passion in my opinion, but its up to you.
Haha. Poetry seems to look cooler without capitals.
Ooh I love that last question. Seems so innocent...and I dunno. Just nice.
This sounded awkward. I had to read it again to understand it the first time. Perhaps that's just me though.
I'd remove the "like" I think it detracts from the flow and feel of the poem, and it's not actually needed.
Anyway, rather good, I liked it.