The girl who wanders aimlessly within the confines of the barricaded flower gardens of Havelock Manor could have been great, someday.
Could have been great if it were not for Caroline of Bradenburg and her son (as the girl would hate to admit it, her brother) George.
Could have been great if it were not for a deserted gardener’s shed, Caroline of Bradenburg’s devious, extremely flirtatious sister, and a few too many glasses fine French champagne
But sometimes, when riches prevail over emotions, and sexuality triumphs over morality, legends are spun.
And legends are every bit as infamous as the great.
***
The boy awakes, his skinny little chest soaked in sweat. He is sore, achingly sore, but doesn’t feel it yet as an effect of the laudanum given him so he would not cry out.
Wonderful liquid that oozed slowly down his throat and made him feel warm…groggy…
He can’t remember who is he, what he is doing, and more importantly, where he is…but he does faintly recall the horrible sensation of falling ands striking something hard…
A graying, fair—haired man in an overly-starched coat appears at the door, behind him trailing a young woman, her arms laden with all manner of books, quills, and evil looking gadgets.
He slowly saunters over to the boy’s bedside and bids the woman to dump the stuff on the bed. The man, whom the boy decides to be the doctor, gently rolls up the boy’s shirt and peels the bandages off his thighs, making him feel horribly exposed…especially in front of a girl. He turns bright pink, and the young woman (mercifully) pretends not to notice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty interesting piece. It actually sounded like two separate pieces to me and I couldn't really sense any sort of connection between the pieces so that's something that you might want to think about, whether these should have more connection to each other or not. Besides that I think this does a wonderful job of showing some really interesting things.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay that's a pretty catchy start I think. Definitely a statement that makes you wonder and want to read more to find out what the whole thing is about and that's definitely a good thing to have right there.
And that's pretty interesting too.
Well that's quite a neat opening. This would actually make a great blurb for a story although some of the language is not the greatest for an actual opening of something like a short story or novel.
Hmm well that's sounding pretty dark there to start things off with and that's no great.
I do think you need to elaborate on the "evil looking" part or just omit that because that's just not a great way to be describing anything there.
And that's sounds like something totally different from what I thought it might be. At this point I'm wondering if these two stories are even connected because I honestly cannot see a connection but then I saw a ton of works with this name so maybe its my mistake and I should have gone and read the rest of this as well. But umm...yaa I only check those that have less than 2 reviews so I probably won't ever know.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall the two pieces when taken separately, both of them flowed nicely and the descriptions were good enough to let us know what's happening very clearly and overall it was a pretty good story to run into here. Not too sure if it was happy or sad but I suppose I just don't under the context because I haven't read the others.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Aye, Sam i'm readin'....but this was sooooooo good, I can't tell you how much I love this, its starting to kick off I can see. But like Mesh said, you can have both sections ehtier in a paragraph or spaced. Doesn't need the asteriks.
I'm glad there was more. I liked this too. It's short but worth reading. I envy you cause i can't write things in present tense along with a lot of other things as well. I can't wait to read more. Good job!
YAY! more
ok, let me see, the first section, you could just put it all together as one paragraph, or leave it spaced. either way. except the last line. I'd leave that as it is; seperate.
He is sore, achingly sore, but doesn’t feel it yet as an effect of the laudanum given him so he would not cry out.
Ack, wordy.
Other then that, short, but there's more to come, I hope!
wow, present tense.. nice.