This is my take on the Decemberists' The Crane Wife/ Tsuru no ongaeshi, a kid's book I picked up in Shinjuku. I blended the versions and made it weird, as I am wont. I haven't written traditional fiction in awhile, though, and it feels kind of ucky. Help, please?
[Also, to pronounce the title: "chi-ma-mi-ray-no-ito"]
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Hokkaido 1947
It was Oshima’s seventeenth birthday.
Not that it mattered—his life was a ticking time-bomb, set in motion by the very same that had split the sky over Hiroshima. That day, he was in school, sitting on the grounds with a cigarette between his lips. He was thrown forward and his skin charred instantly—lips, face, arms, legs. The pattern of his school uniform stayed printed on his flesh, button-marks denoting where scar tissue held his organs in place.
They said he had cancer. Leukemia. It would kill him eventually—five years, maximum. He left the hospital an orphan with an expiration date, setting north on what was left of the rails for the ferry at the northernmost tip of Aoyama Prefecture. There, he set sail for Hokkaido. He had an uncle with land in the mountains near Furano; land logged for a profit. He would live there, somewhere.
His uncle had given him a cabin in the forest, with a stove and a well and a path down to a village. When there was food to buy, he covered his face with a scarf and bought meat and vegetables from the local people there. He spoke little and befriended no one. There was no use in getting attached to someone he would have to leave eventually—someone who would have to make his meals and mop his forehead when the fevers came.
Not to mention the scars laid thick—his skin was blotchy and wretched. He looked like a leper; something to fear, something to run away from.
But in the cabin, he kept his scarf limp around his neck. The tea kettle screamed in the corner and he pulled the pot off the burner and poured steaming water into a cup. He sank a tea bag into its depths—koucha, thick and strong. It diffused in thick whisps as he carried it with him outside. Snow was falling in lazy flurries, and the bulk of the flakes caught in between pine needles and in sparrows’ nests. He pulled a hat over his ears with one hand and sipped as he walked, the tea burning through his insides as his outsides began to stiffen with cold.
The ground had only a thin dusting of snow to cover it. Fallen needles still crunched under his boots, now worn and frozen. Over the sound, a kuu-kuu emanated from deep in the trees—soft, but urgent. The cries became increasingly louder as he walked north, toward the ledge he liked to dangle his legs over, just to feel gravity tugging at his shoes, threatening to pull him a hundred meters to his death.
He came to a clearing. There on the far side, a white shape lay huddled—a white crane, its beautiful white feathers dribbled with blood. Its beak was parted, and it bleated out shriller and shriller cries as the sun pulled itself higher in the sky.
It looked at him warily. He set his cup on the ground and stepped toward it, palms turned up in surrender. “Shh, toriko,” he whispered, kneeling at its side. “Not gonna hurt you.”
Its jaw trembled and folded into a single curved line. Its breathing was fast and its stomach puffed up and down, pained. There was an arrow shoved deep in its wing, its bloody iron tip thrust out toward the snow, dripping.
His stomach began to churn. Who would shoot an arrow at such a thing?
Oshima’s hands shook as he pressed his palms against its wing, slowly wrapping his fingers around the shaft. He took a knife from his pocket and flicked it open, holding the arrow still as he began to saw it in half. Once it was broken, he tugged—as gently as possible—at the tip.
The bird screamed and flapped its other wing.
“Shh, shh,” he said, stroking its neck as it turned its big black eye to him, now wide with pain. “I have to do this.”
The arrow twisted out of its flesh with a sickening sound—he winced and dropped the scarf from his neck. He cut out a piece long enough to wrap around its wing and tied it when it spread its feathers wide.
The two sections of the arrow, red and slick, fell against the snow.
The bird stood on its thin legs, wings bared. Oshima stepped backward. It tested two flaps, waiting to see how it would feel against its tourniquet, and crouched to take off.
He stood with his bare neck craned to the sky, watching as it soared with a green yarn fringe streaming out behind it.
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toriko -- little bird.
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Wow. Your voice is simply....amazing. I really don’t have words for it.
*speechless*
I did notice one thing, however small it is.
“wisps” instead of “whisps”
Other than that, this was amazing. I really have no words to describe it.
You have a wonderful voice and it should be heard!
Continue to write!
There are some things in this world I cannot resist. (1) The World War Two era (2) Japan during and after World War Two (3) Anything written by Sam. Therefore I was forced to obey the inexorable exhortations of my soul and read this immediately.
Suz and Clo mentioned that the piece was rushed, especially the beginning. The thing about reading a story in pieces is that you've got to take parts of a story and make them stand up on their own. I liked this, I really did, but I do agree that the beginning was somewhat rushed. So it's his birthday. What happens on his birthday? Does anyone from home call? Think about describing a trip to the market with his scarf wrapped around his mangled face. Just stretch everything leading up to the crane a little further - but don't just throw things in for the sake of extending - and this will be a much stronger beginning.
A suggestion: You are writing this for readers who speak english. Therefore a title in Japanese - no matter how cool it may look - means nothing to us.
I read an account of a young woman standing on her porch ten miles from Hiroshima when the bomb hit and having the lacy print of her dress tattooed to her flesh. I was delighted to see something similar here. This is a wonderful insight.
"Kuu-kuu" should be italisized.
Anyway, I look forward to any further additions.
-Kylan
Ohmahgoodness! Decemberists! What a wonderful song too, so much story to work with - I drew a picture based off this song once. It's like impossible to not try to crack into all the creativity there. @_@
Er, review, yes.
The first comma isn't necessary.
I agree with Suzanne about the beginning. It whizzes by so quickly - the details are too abrupt, and it's strange because the story is already short, so you can afford to add a lot more. And right now Oshima really isn't that interesting. He's a character to pity, but you need more than pity to make a character. This requires a lot more info at the beginning, helping us get a clear image of who he is.
Since there are many children's books based off this story, and it's very old and popular, you need to try to make this story a little more unique, or else it's not going to stand on its own.
It's still a nice start though, a foundation... you just need to build up off it. Which you can do, being the amazing writer that you are.
Two Sam stories in one week - a good week. ^_^
I couldn't help myself, even if I should be doing Hausaufgauben. It's you, cranes, and The Decemberists.
This is uber telling.Woah, okay, you're going to cut the first two paragraphs and do that all over. It's too fast, and it makes me feel overloaded. Sure, you have pretty imagery and all that, but you need to spread it out. You're telling me too many things at once, and I can't figure out what to feel. Spread it out. That's significant to Oshima; it should be slower, with more detail, actually happening. You're doing too much telling, even past the first two paragraphs. I don't want to be told a story - I want to be shown it. Slow down and work it out more.
I think calling her, the crane, "a thing" makes it too unfeeling. It would be more apt and a better way to show his compassion for the bird if he said, "Who would shoot an arrow through her?"
You know I'm the metaphor whore; "sickening sound" is a great place to add a metaphor, and make me cringe with just how sickening of a sound it is.
That sounds strange. You don't drop things off your neck - you take them off.
I really don't understand why he would do this.
I personally don't think you need a translation for toriko. It's not big enough to warrant an exact definition, and where it is we can guess for ourselves. But whatever. ^^
You'll have to forgive me if I seem nonsensical. I don't have my glasses on, and for some reason if I can't read/see properly, I can't always think properly either. (And I'm lazy.)
I really think you went way to fast. You zoomed over the beginning and then lept into the crane part - too suddenly. You zoomed over the important part; the part that makes this story yours, and not just any crane wife story. I think you need to focus more on that, give it it's time. If it isn't significant enough for you to spend more than that much time on it, why tell it to us at all? You are a write of character, so please, develop your character and make us feel they are real before you throw the plot at us. Either because you're writing around a plot you didn't make yourself, or because you haven't worked on traditional fiction in a while, like you say, this is in a need of a rewrite. I know you're an amazing writer - why not show everyone else? It makes me queasy just to see that you're practically not writing for yourself, since you have an age old plot that you're putting in your own words, but the parts that are uniquely you, it's as though you didn't like them enough to give them enough energy.
Don't just write a crane wife story, write your own. Give Oshima as much character development and life as you would Roun or Lionel or anyone else. You're an amazing writer - but I think you're being a little lazy.
Jetzt geh' ich Hausaufgauben machen. -_-