Tell me if this belongs in a different section...
Something weird I thought up earlier.
***
At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat-groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons.
All except for Hans, who groaned, groped for his polished Little League bat from under the bedclothes, and took a wild swing at the bleeping sound coming from the beside table.
The poor clock didn’t stand a chance.
It was reduced to a pile of pieces of pulverized Mickey Mouse limbs and slivers of broken glass.
Satisfied, Hans sighed with pleasure and closed his eyes, savoring the precious few minutes he had until his mother came in and barked at him for ‘disrupting the morning routine. And stop that snickering, Betsy.’
***
Yesh, this is pretty short, but I'm also working on Hourglass at the moment so I'm a bit preoccupied.
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,011 Literary Works • 672,841 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Ok, this is an interesting one. Its a very short sort of scene rather than really anything of a short story so I'm going to try and look at it mostly in that fashion...and well on first impression its a fun scene. There's a decent bit of humor put in there and it works out well enough I think and for the sort of pacing you go with, it doesn't disrupt too much.
The setup there is decent enough, given that its maybe a little bit faster than it should be and is shorter than would be advised and then the way you get it all towards that big moment there works well and the moment itself is hit pretty well I think. You don't fully see it coming, which works in its favor quite a bit. The ending there is a nice little addition too and I think in that sense it wraps itself up pretty well as much as a scene can.
On the whole I think you've got yourself a pretty nice piece here. There's certainly enough here that you can sense this is maybe part of a larger pretty well developed universe and it makes for a nice read.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
haha Nice start.
Great Sam, very funny.
but I think in the first paragraph you should have it like this:
"The poor clock didn't stand a chance"
"At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat, groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons."
Insted of:
"At seven o’clock sharp, all six members of the Hannover family-excluding Sparky the dog and Chipmunk the cat-groggily propped themselves up on blue pillows with a gold ‘H’ stitched in a italic script on the side, yawned, and pressed perfectly manicured fingers on perfectly smooth ‘Off’ buttons."
I think its just a little easier to read this way. But great job
I think I've read something by him...have to check.
Well, there's a Canadian author this kid kind of reminds me of, who I already mentioned, Gordon Korman. The first book be published was written when he was only twelve. I'm personally not too fond of his stuff, but middle-grade kids love him.
Haha, that's awesome, Sam! I love your writing; it's great...it makes me sick that you're only 11...
But just from the first four paragraphs I can tell that it definitely has the potential to be great...I like the slightly sarcastic humour.
Not critical. Just confused. I wouldn't have minded as much if it had been indicated that this was just an opening rather than an entire piece. Since there wasn't, I didn't know what to make of it.
This is awesome, Sam. Kinda reminds me of British humor, and of Adams' style. Its hilarious plus the description is great that I could actually imagine the scene. Nice. Very nice.
Why is the title called that, though...?
Because she can. Maybe she just wants to know if it sounds like a good idea or not. The first few paragraphs can make or break a story. Don't be so critical on how much she posted.
Sam, I think it sounds pretty interesting so far. I really like the humorous tone! That's something I can rarely pull off. Can't wait to read more!
Why would you post only four paragraphs?
People: Note, this is the FIRST FOUR PARAGRAPHS of a book.
I'm confused. What was the point of this? Do we have a future Gordon Korman in our midsts?
Huh?
But very interesting. I like it.
nice