take this lightning scar and twist it.
I found your handprint on the mirror—
the markings were unique, as promised,
but the curves fell in familiar locations
and the measurements remained absolute.
(If we see only what we desire,
are we all but dreamers?)
The angles that pierce your sides
never amounted to anything more
than a matter of degrees, and
where the end begins,
I found a series of portraitures:
all of them perfect,
yet torn like the
breath from your lungs.
say the magic words, and finish what we started—
clutching to imperfection in that everyman’sland
where life ceased to live and the world faded to black.
____
Many thanks/calories to Brad for making this not as vile as it once was.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Sampoop!
Okay. I'll be throatcutting honest with ya. I did not like this.
It's not that it's bad or anything, because, apparently, everyone else thinks it was terrific. On the other hand, I do not think it even comes close to some of your other poems.
You definitely had a bunch of nice phrases. The first sentence, obviously--"take this lightning scar and twist it"--wonderful imagery. The first stanza. The second stanza. The third stanza.
But then again, let's move back a little and take a look at stanza #1 :
"I found your handprint on the mirror—
the markings were unique, as promised,
but the curves fell in familiar locations
and the measurements remained absolute. "
I don't like how far away, distant it is from the reader. It's as if you had a secret handshake with your poem which the reader can't comprehend. "as promised" specifically distances itself from the reader. Promised what? When? And what do you mean when you say that the measurements remained absolute?
The next (line) is weird. Why does it just pop up like that in the middle of the poem? Same thing with first line. Not that it's stupid or not interesting. It's just superficial. I saw the same sort of thing in the Other Fiction story you wrote, the really good one, with all the different stories and whatnot. But it was okay there, since that was the entire premise. Here, it's not okay.
"The angles that pierce your sides
never amounted to anything more
than a matter of degrees, and
where the end begins,
I found a series of portraitures:
all of them perfect,
yet torn like the
breath from your lungs."
This here is good, I could somehow pin my finger on what you meant, but for the most part it was ambiguous. What are the angles that pierce your side? Are they the person's troubles, their fears, their words, or are they just mathematical figures? And it's not okay if someone says that this is up for interpertation. Because that seriously drives me maaaaad. Then the "where the end begins"--is that death? is that the moments before death? ARRRGHHH. It's like an Algebra problem that can't be solved, and that's not good, because this poem started like an Algebra problem and it has to end like one too. It's like you don't give us the first value so then we can't really do anything with the second value you gave us. Am I just rambling?
Anyway... so no, I don't think this really hit the jackpot for me. I felt like I've read it before. Like it could use some tidying up. Of course, it's definitely not terrible. But I expect something just a little better and more original and readable when I skim through Sam's portfolio.
PM me if you disagree with me and want to rip my guts out with your toenails.
I have to agree with tennisprincess, your words are great and intense, but I'm not sure the message behind them is strong enough. While its DEFINITELY important to have great word choice, you can't RELY on it. I can tell by reading this that you're a great and intelligent writer, but don't lose your meanings in your words.
Overall though, the intense mood of the poem was very good and consistent. I was almost clenching my teeth while I was reading!
all the best,
s
Overall...
this is very good.
However, I do feel that you focus so much on words here and being creative and impressing people with just fancy words that you forget completely about emotions.
I didn't really feel much emotion here..
Perhaps you could somehow incorporate some lines that have actual emotions in them. If you need suggestions; I am more than willing.
The line that I found (pardon my language) 'yuckiest' here was this:
"The angles that pierce your sides"
Uhm, it just made me think... what?
It took my awhile before I fully understood it.
I had to reread it,you know?
I don't really have any suggestions on that part.
I hate when people say "Oh he or she means this by what they wrote"
How the hell do people know what someone else means by their writing unless they've clearly toldyou themselves?
This was one of thosepoems where you had those thoughts going in your mind by who knows?
All people think differently.
Perhaps my thoughts on this were much different than yours.
Overall: Work on the issues I commented on but overall this piece had me imagining. Which is the ultimate goal. Good visualization words.
8.5/10
Wow! Honestly, that jsut gave me the wow factor. I was very surprised at how well you managed to capture the Harry Potter idea, and create a poem from it.
The punctuation was spot on, and I enjoyed the great imagery you had flowing. I can't offer more of a concrit than that.
Should the first letter by capitalized? Also, I love this ending, although like Suzanne, I am struggling to understand it.
-Mark
I like it but I think it lacks a much needed flow. Each stanza seems to stand so strongly on its own that they don't stand too well together, or at least, could stand together better. Does that make any sense? But such a thing could have been done on purpose or could not need to be changed at all, really. I just prefer flowy things. ^_^ It sort of breaks things up. For example, the second stanza. It's an interesting one, and maybe the idea of how everything goes together is being lost on me, but the sudden shift in thought and the randomly made statement seems to break it apart, and I just don't like it. Or, well, I can't say that. I like it, but I don't like how it breaks apart.
What I like most about this stanza are the line breaks. Especially in the first four lines, it's wonderful. But the last two, that line break throws me off. It doesn't distract my reading, I'm just not sure I like the split of article and noun. I think you could move words around, not only to keep the article and noun together, but to make it more powerful. I think if "Yet town" was its own line, it would say a lot more, standing on its own.I am not sure. I keep running over this, reading it out loud. Maybe it is, again, that I can't grasp the whole meaning of the poem that makes me not understand the final stanza, or that I can't figure out what the magic words are. I don't dislike it, I just can't figure out what it is saying, so I like it somewhat less. I do, abortively, love your mixture of perfection and imperfection, so I know there is something there. That certainly has something to do with the greater meaning, I just can't grab it exactly? We may have to discuss the meaning, and throw me out of me own darkness/stupidity. ^_^ Perhaps then I could appreciate this poem more? As it is, I certainly have others that are more to my liking, than this, by you.
Chow!
I don't think that straight reference to Harry Potter is really necessary. But other than that, I think you use words that are very suitable for this kind of poem. Nice job!
Didn't exactly get this, but it's wonderful imagery with exellent and intense langauge techniques. I can't comment on the subject since I can't quite understand it.
Overall: This earns a star, just for 'WOW!' factor.
Good luck
VSN
Wow. The descriptions in this work are exquisite . My favourite, favourite, favourite one was....
*Backs away in poetic reverence
Eimear