(delete)
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,839 Reviews
I deleted it because it was uber-scary *shudder* I wrote it when I was like...10...
What happened? Where did this go?
I like critiquing things! You took it away from me! NOW YOU MUST DIE, FREDERICK THE EVIL BUTTER STICK!
Erm...where did it go....? I want to read even if you think its bad, Sam....
*blechhh* I know it's pretty bad...that's OK, I still got revisions to do. (sorry being chatty!)
The first sentence here is great. The second not so much so, mostly the fragment after the second comma. I don’t like “freakish”, I think a better word is needed here in such a serious paragraph.
I ran out of critique after this sorry, was too involved in the story!
It’s great. I really enjoyed it.
A few nitpicks:
- Again with the upper case words. I don’t like it. I think it takes away some of the seriousness.
- I think you could add more description to the scenes. This chapter goes a bit fast for my liking. Slow it down. Slow the dialogue down. Allow for more character relations. What do the boys think of each other? Wouldn’t they be a bit more terrified or shocked? I think they could turn this into anger or something.
Overall, good. I’d like to see the second part
*Yes, you have a bit too much dialogue! This is no bad thing. Just slow it down a bit more, and describe the speakers a bit.