Published April 9, 2008
This came from my PoWriMo thread, so don't fret if you've seen it before. ^_^
___
Where flames met the earth, you put your hands to the ground
and watched the flesh bubble and tear. I saw you next
when your hands were wrapped in salve and white, and I brought you
candles in jars to illuminate your fever-dreams.
I spread paint on your fingers and guided your scorched bones across paper,
to show you that blackened things still hold the privilege of color.
Jagged salt spikes ran down your face in rows and I swore something
unto the blaze that you would someday hear—
there isn’t a thing I wouldn’t do for you, darling, but keep you alive.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,266 Literary Works • 674,332 Reviews
HOOOOOOW??????
Very nice! I liked basically everything about it!
I really liked it-all except for the last line. It just didn't sound the same as the rest.
Nicly done and very creative! Great job.
Hello there, Sam. ^^
This is a gorgeous little poem, and you've only had two comments? (one being Saintifiction) Shocking! Not to be mistaken, I'm of no use. ^^
I adore this. Thoroughly and completely. You've created this feeling that just stuck with me as I read it, and I adore how you've dealt with the idea. You imagery is complete and beautiful, tactile and gritty.
One niggle that comes to me is in your last line;
"there isn't a thing I wouldn't do for you, darling, but keep you alive."
There's something about this that gets to me. I'm not sure.. but I think the length is a factor. It doesn't hit as well as an end line should, I feel. I think that the last line needed a hard impact, but this line lacked it.
All in all, though. I love this. Nice work. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Sam,
This was a wonderful poem. I loved the whole morale of it. Just brilliant and sweet at the same time. I especially loved the last line. Really good.
One thing that I think this could use is a little more rhythm. It's like a heartbeat of such - thump, thump, thump. See how you read that? You read (hopefully) each thump with the same pause between each. This poem doesn't really have anything like that. It's just basically a couple of well crafted setences stuck in a poem formation. Make it have meaning - have value.
Hope you didn't take this too harshly. If you did, I'm sorry! I really liked it.
:Sythe:
It's Phoenix*, love.
Not going to bore you with a highly unhelpful critique. Sorry! Just had to be a spelling Nazi.
(It's the town I live in. I'm a little protective of it, hah)
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate